...finding my way forward

Mood: Contemplative

I have been saying to myself that, I am finding my way back.
Now, as I have started that journey I am trying to narrow down what it is I want to go back to.
How far back plays a role as well.
What 'moment of me' am I trying to bring back into the now?

I am realizing that it's not going back to the 'way things were' that I want. I have grown too much through the challenges that God has allowed in my life these last 3 years (could go to past 10 years), to just want what I used to have.
I am sure hitting my 40's has also played a role in being so contemplative.

Can we be disappointed but still grateful?
That is how I feel about the last 3 years. I am disappointed that in so many ways I feel like I lost the last 3 years.
That they were not my own. My physical body took over, and took me down a path that I was not ready for.
But yet, spiritually, I am so grateful for how God used every aspect of it to help me to grow in Him and draw me closer to His presence.  I am hungry to return to ministry. I am hungry to sing again. It's a step of faith.
My voice has changed as my thyroid conditioned showed up.  I don't like the thought in the back of my head that is saying my voice will never be like it was. Or when I wake up feeling like a mac truck hit me and my mind say's, 'Could you imagine if you were scheduled to sing today?'
I got sooooo used to keeping my schedule clear because so many of the times I made plans, I would break them due to what was happening with me physically.
My God is bigger than those thoughts. How long will I allow those thoughts to determine my path?
I think they will determine my path as long as I keep trying to, ...find my way back.
I have decided to love the me of the now.
She is stronger, wiser, closer to God.
Why would I want to go back?
I am finding my way forward.