A Double-edged Sword

Mis-communication, frustration, and anger. A progressive cycle that all too many military families suffer from during deployment; an unhealthy cycle that can kill any relationship.

Many times during my husband’s deployment things were crisscrossed, not said, or told too late. Now, I’m not saying this happened just between my husband and myself alone. This was a common occurrence within the unit. Several times, soldiers were told after their families about changes going on, it led to a lot of confusion and anger. Or worse, spouses were making changes back home and not telling their soldiers what they were doing. I could only imagine the fights that erupted afterwards.

Before my husband left for Iraq we set down ground rules. I did what I could and moved on. I let him know only the things that were pertinent to him, leave everything else out of it. No changes, what-so-ever were to be made without his knowledge unless told beforehand. (ie.. I repainted our living room while he was gone, but I told him I planned to do it and that I wasn’t changing the color, just refreshing the paint. No problem.) Taxes would be taken care of by him—which I was grateful he did, because the W-2’s were not correct and I didn’t know it. If I couldn’t fix it, the base where he worked for would help me to their best of ability. (I had a furnace fan go out during the middle of a blizzard on one of the coldest days in Feb, ’07. Base guys couldn’t help, but the plumbing/heating people I’ve used before were out there in an hour, replaced it, and had me going again.)

I advocate communication between soldiers and their families. I also push for parents to realize that if their son or daughter is married, that the spouse should get first crack at the solider. And if they have an issue with this, DO NOT pull the guilt trip card. Talk with your son or daughter first, get a feel for what they want, don’t assume because you bore the child they fully belong to you. Recall that verse in Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Emphasis mine.) Now, I might be a little bias being a spouse, but I’ve been there done that. I was fortunate enough to have very understanding in-laws who knew that my husband had certain requirements of his family even though he was gone, and they stayed out of it unless I asked them in. This makes for a good relationship between you and the family. We all deal with deployment in different ways and have different fears. Use this time to unite, not to play head games and cause more stress in an already stressful situation.

This biggest, most destructive form of miscommunication; gossip, rumors, scuttlebutt, call it what you like, it’s still lies and they hurt. Remember that old saying: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? Obviously the creator of this ridicules saying never felt the lash of the tongue. Several times God told us the kind of damage the tongue could do to other humans if not kept in check.

Psalms 12:2 Everyone lies to his neighbor; their flattering lips speak with deception. James 1: 26 If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. 3:6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. 3:8 but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. I could go on and on, but these verses make my point.

I have seen women cut other women down as a sport. I know women who left their Family Readiness groups because they were targets of malicious gossip—these same groups were formed to help us cope during deployment, but some are used to spread lies and ruin peoples’ lives. God forbids this! As Christians we are to refrain from doing it at all costs. We are the light, His beacon to non-believers and when we act like these gossipmongers we blacken God’s eye. If you’re going to complain, complain to God. He has this way of setting us straight and no one is hurt in the process.

Granted, we can’t change everyone we meet. But if our correct communication impresses just one person, then it might spread a little.