Like a Seed Planted

“What do I call you?”

“Whatever you’re most comfortable with, dear.”

“I can’t call you ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’.  Guess I’ll figure it out.”

Joey, who just turned twelve years old, walked out to the car and got in the back seat while Steve and Bev finished their goodbyes.  Their social worker quickly reminded them that love is like a seed planted—it takes time to grow.  But if that seed is nurtured and fed and carefully pruned, it will grow deep roots that will never die.

“Goodbye, Steve … Bev.  I’ll be by next Monday to check on your family.”

The new parents turned and walked out the door toward the car where Joey waited to be taken to his new home.  No more group homes.  No more orphanages.  No more foster homes.  Joey had a real permanent home, a real family.

“Hey, Joey, you hungry?”  Bev could always count on Steve to stir up conversation in awkward circumstances.

“Sure, whatever.”

“Let’s stop at…well, where do you want to eat, son?”

“I don’t care.”

Bev recognized a potentially frustrating moment on the horizon.  She quickly made a suggestion:  “Let’s stop at that new pizza buffet on Main Street.  I hear they have any kind of pizza you could possibly think of!”

Joey remained silent and unimpressed with his new family’s enthusiasm about pizza.  He’d had it so many times while living with the other families…it was no longer a treat but rather it brought back some difficult memories he thought he’d suppressed.  Quickly, Joey changed the subject to avoid the pain and disillusionment.

“Did ya get the room painted?”

“Well, son, we thought about doing it before we brought you home, but decided it would be a good project for us to work on together.  We’ll get started in the morning.  I’ve got the day off and your—Bev will show you some ideas for making your room look just the way you want it.”

“Ok.”

“Tonight, you can sleep on the mattress on the floor…you know, rough it a little bit until we can work on it together tomorrow.  By tomorrow night, you’ll have your own room custom-made just for you.”

Bev was always excited about decorating.  It had been a difficult task to stay uninvolved in the matter of Joey’s room but she was wise … she knew it would mean so much more to him if he had a say in everything about his room especially since he’d never had his own room before.

“Here we are!  You ready?”

Steve got out of the car and walked over to open the door for Bev while Joey watched with curiosity.

“Hey, what’s with that?  Is the car door broke?”

Bev caught her husband’s eye for a moment as he winked at her.  “No, son.  It’s a tradition we began years ago when we first met.  I always open her door out of love and respect.  It’s my way of honoring my wife for who she is and what she means to me.  True love isn’t afraid to show respect.”

Quickly seated at a table not too far from the buffet, Steve and Bev could sense Joey loosening up just a little.  He didn’t let on that he had grown tired of pizza and ate his share of pizza and pasta.  There were plenty of things to talk about in the restaurant that kept those awkward moments of silence from being problematic.  When they were done, Steve took the bill to the cashier while Bev and Joey waited by the door glancing at the ads on the bulletin board. 

Steve tucked the receipt into his wallet while reaching for the door.

“Wait, I got it!”

Joey stepped in front of Steve, grabbed the door handle, and held open the door for them.

“Thanks, son … let’s go home.”

* * * * * *

And, so was the beginning of this new family.  Joey reached out to show he was willing to work on the relationship  without saying a word.  It was a first step toward becoming a family.

The beginning of an adoptive relationship can be awkward at best … downright horrifying at its worst.  Adopting the older child who comes with a history of rejection and pain, who often has vivid memories of a mom and/or a dad who mistreated or neglected him, is a challenge like no other.  There are no words to describe the mountains and valleys the parents traverse together when opening their home to an older child.

Older children need assurance that they’re not going to be traded in for a better model.  They will often test the parental authority of the new relationship. 

But, let me tell you … the rewards are so great.  If a couple/family can hold fast to each other during the tumultuous times of testing, the relationship solidifies and grows.  The roots of love grow deep and give the child a foundation on which to advance into adulthood with confidence and security, able to both show and receive love.

In the story above, Joey’s situation is quite typical of older children who are desperate for love.  They’ve constructed a fortress around their hearts that seems virtually impenetrable.  At times it seems progress is being made only to find the door slammed in the parents’ face when they least expect it.  They’ve been hurt so badly in their past that they protect their own vulnerability, unwilling to face another rejection or to endure more pain.

In some cases, the child will purposely rebel to purposely cause what they feel is the inevitable to happen before they allow themselves to experience the love of a family.  In other words, they test and push the limits; they provide the new parents every opportunity to reject them from the very beginning.  The parents must enter into the relationship with a determination that no matter what happens, they’re committed to that child … the relationship must be grounded in absolutely commitment.

In the United States, a child over two years old finds it very difficult to find a permanent family.  They usually end up living their lives in the foster care system.  By the time a child turns five, the chances of finding a permanent adoptive home is even more difficult. If a child is still in the system by the time he or she turns 8, 10 or 12, it's almost impossible. Very often the older children have siblings in the system as well, making it even more difficult to find a loving family who would be willing to take in more than one older child to keep the siblings together.  As a rule, adoptive parents usually won’t even consider adopting an older child because the children often have deep psychological wounds that need healing.

When we opened our hearts and home to older children, we faced challenges that stretched our commitment to the limit, especially since we had three younger children who deserved our equal attention and love.  But the rewards for us as a family, and for us as parents, have been incredible. 

I challenge you to ask the Lord if there is a child out there who could become a part of your family. Can you open your heart to expand the borders of your family to include an unloved, unwanted child who desperately needs to know they matter to someone, who needs to know true acceptance and committed love?

Take some time to meditate on your own adoption, how God reached out to embrace you and make you one of His own.  He took you in with all your imperfections … all your baggage.  But He loved you enough to open His heart to make an eternal commitment to you and provide for you a home, give you a name and an identity, and offer you security that can never be taken away.  You’ve been adopted by a Heavenly Father … there’s no greater precedent for considering adoption!

My prayer is for someone’s heart to be stirred to check into the possibility of adopting an older child—one the system deems “unadoptable.”  I pray that someone who reads this be stirred to lavish love and acceptance on one of society’s castaways in the same way God has lavished His love and acceptance on us all.

There are many agencies available to help answer your questions about adopting older children.  Call your local social services department or search online for help to identify the need in your area.