Getting to Joy - Pt. 1

"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward". Psalm 127:3

As mothers, we totally believe this. I don't know of any mother who looks upon her children as less than a blessing. After we give birth, we talk about weights and lengths and APGAR scores like they qualify as Ivy League admission. As they grow, we mark each milestone, compare and contrast their skills with our friends' children, nurture their talents and expect great things for them.

So, what happens when the child we prayed for turns out to be very different from what we expected? When the child is "different" or disabled or delayed? How do we reconcile our feelings with our faith? Because, let's be honest, all of us had at least a moment of feeling disappointed or angry or hurt or dismayed. I'm not saying we don't love our children fiercely. I'm saying that, because we're human, it's natural and understandable to feel negative emotions at the realization that our child isn't the way we expected. It's a natural, normal response and one that we have to work through to get where God wants us.

Back when my youngest son, Henry, was born, we were not aware of his Down Syndrome. In fact, he was two weeks old before we got the diagnosis. To say it was a shock would be like saying the Grand Canyon is a hole in the ground. Soon after, I wrote about it. I never wanted to forget it, so I wrote it down. Let me share it with you:

What a shock. It was so devastating to hear that he would never be "normal". Two weeks of complete ignorance - just thinking he was little & needed to eat - completely unaware of what was hiding around the corner.
I remember standing alone in that doctor's office as the doctor was finally able to examine him after the jaundice had cleared up. I watched him turn, lift, pull, move, poke, prod Henry all over & then just out of the blue said, "Has it crossed you mind that Henry has Down Syndrome?" Before it even registered, I said, "That's funny you should say that because I thought that in passing when I was looking at him one day, but that's all it was...just passing."
That's all I remember. A dull roar started filling my ears & all of my insides started roiling. It slowly, very slowly, started creeping into my consciousness and everything around me started crumbling. I don't remember anything else that was said, just the voice inside trying to keep the tears at bay because I didn't want the doctor to think I was a bad mother for being sad about it.
Then I had to go out & tell my mom who was with Steven in the waiting room. The noise she made will never leave me. It was raw & guttural - animal-like. A wounded moan. The weight of this was more than I could comprehend. It would be weeks before I understood. Weeks of testing, reading, researching, doctor's appointments and crushed dreams. Accepting that the dreams you've had for your child will never come true is gut-wrenching. Henry will never be president. Henry won't be a doctor. Henry may not go to college. Henry may never live on his own. Henry won't have children. Henry won't do a lot of things. That's hard to accept. The fact that he'll most likely need us to care for him for the rest of his life - that's hard. But I'm thankful. Thankful that he's with us. As hard as it's going to be, I wouldn't give him back. But it's going to be a rough road. Your existence has redefined true north for us. I guess it's our journey to find it again. With you as our compass.

Did you notice, right in the middle, the part where I said I was afraid to cry? Because I didn't want the doctor to think I was a bad mother because I was sad? As Christian women & mothers, we deal with that feeling a lot. Like, because we have faith, that means we shouldn't ever feel disappointment, dismay, anger, frustration or flat out rage. I'm here to say that's simply untrue. We shouldn't STAY in those feelings, because in Christ we have hope. But having them is part of how God made us. To ignore them, push them down and pretend is to deny the very humanness that God has given us. Yes, we MUST work through them and come through the other side. We mustn't wallow in self-pity or reject our child because he or she isn't what we prayed for. But we must allow ourselves to feel the feelings we have - and then let them go.

For me, it was very important to get those feelings out in writing. For others, it might be venting to a close, close friend or family member. However you do it, I encourage you to do it. Putting a voice to those feelings doesn't make you less of a mom or less of a Christian. Yes, Psalm 127:3 is 100% correct. ALL children - no matter what - are a gift. A reward. A blessing. But, like anything else in life, sometimes we have to trudge through the desert in order to reach the sparkling refreshment of the oasis. And God's waiting for us when we get there. 

Comments

[Peggy]

So well put, Christy! It's so important to realize that God expects us to feel the feelings he has given us to feel, just as long as we get through them! Much love!

[RosalieG]

Thank you for sharing your journalled thoughts with us.

[Lori]

Christy, thank you SO much for providing this forum for us!!! As a mother of a developmentally delayed child, I often feel "trapped" in my feelings and emotions, mainly because most people that we fellowship with don't have children with special needs, so they don't understand it, and they certainly don't have time to talk about it. And it often makes me self-conscious about it FOR my child...how many times have I been in a group setting and felt myself over-explain my son's behaviors, simply trying to validate him as a kid who's a good kid and just has trouble sometimes expressing himself in appropriate ways. Thanks for giving us a venue to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and discuss with honesty what we often feel but are too embarassed to say or compelled to keep quiet. God made each and every child on this earth special and important, and they are all beautiful in His eyes!

[Venus]

Thank you so much for reminding me that my kids are blessings even if they are not always what we pray for them to be and that our human feelings are God given. Sometimes I feel ashamed for "comparing my kids" as in "Why can't they be like ___'s kids.." if they dont excel in school or behave as well as others or fail to meet any other expectation I, not God, have put on them. Blessings to you and Henry!