Fill 'er Up - Emotional Needs, Part 2

Last time we met we learned the emotional needs of the sanguine and choleric personalities. Today we are going to focus on the needs of melancholy and phlegmatic people.

In Part one we likened our emotional needs to a vehicles gas tank; cars and people tend to perform best when they aren't running on empty. It could be said that being full makes us fabulous, so sit back as we learn how to fill up the emotional tanks of the melancholy and phlegmatic people in your life.

Proper/Perfect Melancholy: The melancholy personality has the following emotional needs:

• Sensitivity to feelings
• Support when down
• Space to be alone
• Silence

Sensitivity to feelings: Melancholy people are the most sensitive of all The Personalities. The emotional ups and downs in their lives often reflect extreme peaks and valleys unlike the other personalities whose emotional stages aren't as dramatic. Melancholies respond best when people are sensitive to their moods. Romans 12:15 is particularly applicable to this personality: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." In most cases, when a melancholy is feeling blue they don't appreciate a bright-eyed, cheerleading sanguine's attempts to cheer them up; they'd rather have someone sit next to them and offer comfort.

Support when down: A melancholy going through a gloomy season generally needs more support than the other three personalities. Sanguine personalities tend to be so positive that they don't stay blue for long. Choleric people are so goal oriented they will snap themselves out of the doldrums because they have things to do and places to go. A phlegmatic person doesn't really like to deal with emotional issues, so when feelings start getting complicated they just tune them out. However, none of these strategies work for a melancholy; they are like bridge that needs pillars of support when spanning troubled waters. Let the melancholy in your life know that you care and are there for them when they need you.

Space to be alone: Melancholy personalities cherish their privacy. This tends to be true no matter their age. Unlike the sanguine that thrives on social activity, a melancholy is quickly drained by people and too much activity; they thrive when they have their own space. If you have a melancholy in your family it's important that they have a sanctuary where they  can escape. It should be a place where interruptions are limited and family members know to respect the solitude they need. Melancholy is my college-aged son's secondary personality. One of the most difficult adjustments he's had to make in college is having a roommate. Brian misses the seclusion his room at home provided when he needed to escape the world. Recently his tank was so empty that he went to Wal-Mart seeking solitude. He said he was in such a foul mood that, judging from the looks he was getting, he must've looked like the devil. His final observation said it all, "Mom, life would be perfect if I  had a private room." Yes, melancholy people truly appreciate their space.

Silence: The need for silence is closely tied to a melancholy's need for space. Loud music or the constant drone of a radio or television quickly drains a melancholy's emotional tank. It's not necessary or realistic to provide this personality with 24 hours of silence, but remember that quiet is a real need in their life and should be respected. If you are one who thrives on music or background noise, a good strategy is to invest in headphones and turn the TV off when your aren't watching it. The silence will speak volumes to any melancholy in your life.

One thing I've observed in melancholy individuals is that they are drawn to quiet music and don't like to fall asleep with the TV or radio on. As a friend of mine says, "They like to play the silence."

Peaceful Phlegmatic: Phlegmatic people are energized by the following:

• Peace and quiet
• Lack of stress
• Respect
• Feelings of worth

Peace and Quiet: A phlegmatic person is most at ease in low-keyed surroundings. As a phlegmatic I'm a  great example of that trait. I like people, but my idea of recreation is laying on a quiet beach or diving into a candle-lit bubble bath on a Friday night. I'm not much of a socialite and usually prefer a quiet evening at home over a festive social gathering. My husband understands this about me and it fills my tank when he acknowledges and acccommodates my reluctance to attend work parties or dinners.

Lack of stress: When life starts spinning out of control, a phlegmatic will check out. When I get stressed, I'd rather not have to think too hard or make any decisions...and I usually don't. Phlegmatics tend to retreat from the world by soaking in a bubble bath, curling up in bed with a good book, or cozying up to the TV. We aren't particular as long as we can make the world go away for awhile.

Respect: Phlegmatic people live in the middle of the road. They usually aren't the best in any  one area, but they certainly aren't the least. However, the "best" tend to get recognition and the "least" receive extra help and encouragement; phlegmatics just go unnoticed. In college I worked at a video/music/book store. One day the boss uncharacteristically sat down behind the counter to just hang out. We employees went about our usual duties as Mr. Rowley sat and watched. At the end of my shift he casually commented, "I didn't think you did much around here, but after watching you today, you're a pretty good little worker." Because phlegmatics tend to have a low-keyed presence, they don't stand out and are often overlooked. They need to feel respected for what they do, but unfortunately they often fall through the cracks. Make an effort to recognize and respect the phlegmatic in your life. They may not pull out all the bells and whistles, but they tend to the be most reliable and consistant of The Personalities.

Feelings of Worth: Unlike the other personalities who have very distinct characteristics, a phlegmatic person tends to blend nicely into the background. They usually aren't as bright and lively as a sanguine, as "take charge" as a choleric, or as organized and "perfect" as a melancholy; phlegmatics are just, well, phlegmatic. A spouse who spends some unsolicited time doing something with their phlegmatic husband or wife will score big with their partner. This personality isn't going to demand your attention, but you will fill their tank to overflowing when you show that you value them.

Understanding the emotional needs of each personality is a wonderful tool when dealing with others. Not only does it help us fill the emotional tanks of others, it helps us understand our own needs. It's wonderful when others attempt to fill us up, but when that support isn't there, we can develop some strategies of our own; kind of like "self-serve." Until we meet again, try filling the emotional tanks of those around you and see if there are any changes as you fill 'em up.

Join me in two weeks when we will explore personality blends.

(c)2008 Shona Neff