The Empty Chair

 

The month of November brings with it the start of the holiday season. This is a time when families typically come together to celebrate the special meaning of each holiday, to enjoy each other's company and to participate in family traditions. But perhaps this year the holidays are overshadowed by a deep feeling of loss for you. There will be an empty chair at the table this Thanksgiving and the celebration will be bittersweet. How will you get through it? Actually, there are no right or wrong answers to that question. But perhaps a few suggestions would help.

The Scriptures invite us to remember the past as a way of moving to the future. Joshua 4 describes God's instruction to Joshua to gather twelve stones and stack them up as a memorial to the things He had done for Israel. It was a way of remembering God's faithfulness. Healthy grieving involves embracing memories of our loved ones and recognizing that they are treasures. This Thanksgiving, why not provide an opportunity for everyone to share their favorite memories of the one who sat in the chair that is now empty. Doing so will generate a spirit of gratitude and thankfulness for the life of the one who is no longer with you. This experience can be very comforting and heart warming. You may be surprised at how close you feel to your family and friends as you hear their stories.

This is a good opportunity to note that perhaps you feel you simply cannot be around a crowd on this holiday because the pain would be too great. Or, perhaps you would like to be alone part of the day and spend a short time with friends and family. As long as you are not isolating yourself, avoid additional stress and do what is best for you. People are uniquely made and their coping techniques will be equally as unique. There is, however, a constant for each person no matter what they choose to do on Thanksgiving Day - God will never leave you.

    ... God assured us, "I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you," ...   Hebrews 13:5

Thanksgiving is full of family traditions. But this year, things will be different and it will be important to acknowledge that change. You may be someone who takes comfort in honoring traditions. Or, maybe you will need put tradition aside for a year or two. Some people take a trip during the holidays in order to avoid familiar sights and sounds. Either of these scenarios are healthy and reasonable responses. There is one important principle to remember here: do what is comfortable for you. Only you can decide.

David Kessler, an author on the topic of grief recovery, says to be sure to give yourself permission to have pleasure.This can sometimes be more difficult than it sounds. Enjoying yourself at Thanksgiving may bring feelings of guilt when you are in the middle of grieving.  But remember that having a good time will honor the one you lost because they would not want you to be sad. Kessler also suggests having a Plan A and a Plan B for the holiday. Plan A can be having dinner with friends and family as usual. Plan B can be to stay home and watch a favorite movie or take a walk if everything seems too overwhelming. Most people make it through Thanksgiving dinner if they know they have a plan B to fall back on. The important point to remember is to simply have a plan.

One last note about Thanksgiving, remember to thank the Lord for the family members you still have. Praise Him simply because He is God. Reach out to your family and friends and realize that you are not alone. Others have gone through what you are going through right now and would be willing to give you a listening ear. Keep in touch with your church family and enlist their help. However you envision Thanksgiving this year, keep you focus of our Heavenly Father who sent His only Son to die for you. Start each new day with a prayer of thanksgiving even if the day seems especially dark for you. This is how you take control of a situation that seems out of control. Decide to move forward in your grieving.

Journaling Ideas

1. What have been some of your favorite memories of Thanksgiving?
2. How do you feel about Thanksgiving this year and the empty chair at your table?
3. What can you do to remember your loved one on Thanksgiving Day?
4. Describe your Plan A and Plan B for Thanksgiving.
5. Create a page in your journal titled: My Thanksgiving List. Add to this list every day.
6. What has been the best thing that has happened to you this week?
7. What has been the worst thing that has happened to you this week?

Your Grieving Toolbox

By now your toolbox is getting full of wonderful tools to aid you in the journey of grief. Today's new tool is relevant to the Thanksgiving season and it is MAKING NEW MEMORIES. We have already discussed the fact that the holidays will never be the same. Therefore, it is an excellent time to purposely develop a new tradition in your family. For example, if you have recently lost your mother and she loved roses, why not start a tradition of having roses on the Thanksgiving dinner table every year in her honor. Just like the stones in the book of Joshua, a memorial such as this gives you the opportunity to share your stories with the younger generation. It is a way of testifying to God's faithfulness. After my dear friend Gail died, I started a tradition of brewing tea in a beautiful teapot and serving it in lovely teacups because this is what she did whenever I visited her house. I cried the first time I did it but there was unexplainable warmth in my heart as I did so. Now, it's a tradition that brings a smile to my face along with wonderful memories.

My dear friend, I pray that during the Thanksgiving holiday, you will dwell on the things that are honorable, true, pure, lovely, and excellent. May you pour your heart out the the Lord, trust Him and lean on Him as your refuge. (based on Phil. 4:8 and Psalm 62:8)

I invite you to join us in the group Grieving Forward, Your Toolbox for Grieving at www.ChristianWomenTakeRoot.com  and share some of your Thanksgiving memories and your Plan A and Plan B for this year.