Focusing Forward
I have a simple question to start off this month's column. Can you walk a straight line forward if you turn your head to look behind you? Of course not; you'll end up veering toward the right if you're looking over your right shoulder and veering toward your left if you're looking over your left shoulder. However, if you look forward and focus on a point directly in front of you then you'll be able to walk a straight line forward.
This is exactly what we are going to do with this column this year, focus forward.Let's spend this new year searching for ways that we can focus forward on a closer relationship with our Heavenly Father, husband, and children. Let's dig for ways that we can focus forward on what God has planned for our marriages, families, and ourselves rather than looking back at our past year(s) and the doom and gloom that can so easily attach itself to a Marriage from a Distance (MFAD). Let's focus forward on hope, joy, love, and plain ol' fun!
As we spend this next year focusing forward in our marriages and lives, we must also be cautious as the tiger is on the prowl waiting to tear us apart. I have three cautionary areas that I suggest we protect. I've learned about each of these through my own personal experience.
Death by Pride
This can be a very tricky topic to touch on, but very necessary. First, let me point out that there is more than one kind of pride. Basically, there is good pride and bad pride.
Good pride is having pride in being a child of God's, being proud of your husband and his work ethics, as well as being proud of your children and their big and little accomplishments. Good pride, I believe, tends to have a humbled side to it as well. It encourages and builds with a bonding glue called love.
Bad pride, however, can tear us apart without being noticed by the victims until the damage is done. It eats away at our hearts, marriages, and relationships. This ruthless pride is very destructive. Let's look a little closer at it.
As a MFAD mom we end up solely taking care of the kids, household,management, and what ever else pops up. We manage to: keep track of where the kids need to be when, keep them equipped with whatever supplies they need often as a moments notice, feed them, bathe them, cloth them, tackle the laundry, whip up meals and clean up afterward, clean the house and make sure the kids do their chores, make appointments, grocery shop, etc. You get the picture; you're living it right along with me. We MFAD mamas do a lot to keep the household running smoothly and the kids happy and healthy. In fact, we can do most of this in our sleep, all the while our husbands are away working. That's something to be prideful about...or is it?
Here's where the bad pride sneaks in. Hubby comes home and wants to help. He forgets that each child has a special color cup, or if he hasn't forgotten he forgets which color belongs to which child. So he pours little Suzie some milk in a yellow cup. Oh no! The yellow cups belong to Johnny and th pink cups belong to Suzie! He's gotten it all wrong. What's wrong with him? Wait, our husband may need friendly little reminders of things such as who drinks from what cup. Stick a Post It note inside the cup cabinet door with each child's name and the color cup they are to drink out of. We can't expect him to remember every little detail of how we run the house, so we need to be sure to displace our pride here and give him a break. At least he is helping out.
You run to the grocery store for a couple of hours leaving Suzie and Johnny home in hubby's care. In your mind you're thinking that he'll feed them lunch, clean up the lunch mess, work on some project around the house, and see to it that he kids do not watch too much TV. You arrive home only to find that no one has had lunch, no projects have been attempted, and the kids are plopped in front of the TV on either side of their daddy. Wait, Dad has just spent some time sitting with and talking to the kids. If they were hungry they surely would have made sure their daddy knew. And don't forget, while you were shopping the kids remained safe and had some much needed "Daddy Time".
In the two above examples do you see how we can allow the pride of our job steal the joy of having our husbands home? If we tend to spend more time nit-picking the ways they do help out, then our pride begins to overshadow our marriage relationship. We become frustrated and upset because we have mastered multi tasking at home yet our husbands have not. However, our husbands may be very proficient as multi-tasking at the jobs which they perform almost daily. We can not expect our husbands to do our job as well as we do. We can expect him to help out when he's home, but give him a break if he accomplishes a task differently than you would have. Set your pride aside before it becomes the death of your marriage relationship.
I have a challenge for you on this prideful topic. Honestly, I expect many of you to read this and say, "Oh, I don't have a pride problem" and you'll dismiss parts or all fo this article. I know, I've been there, done that. The next time that you're husband is home from work take note of when you get frustrated or upset with him and what it is over. Maybe you could even keep a little journal. Later, go back and review your journal. Did you really have a right to be upset or did your pride get in the way. Be honest, even when it hurts.
Listening Friends
Be careful with whom you choose to share your frustrations and venting when it comes to your husband and marriage. Be sure you are sharing with someone you trust with your confident conversations and be sure that they will be an encourager, especially during the tough times. We all need a friend or friends that we can share our heart with and find hope in.
Listen to the Truth
When the tiger is on the prowl he can come from many angles. Another angle he likes to attack from is feeding us lies...and having us believe them. In our MFAD marriages Satan would like nothing better than to drive you and your husband apart, ruin your marriage, and cause you to go your separate ways destroying your family. On those hard days, weeks, months don't listen to the lies that the devil tells you. Be sure the keep your nose buried in the Truth, God's Word, and to keep the lines of communication wide open with your Father.
When you hear the lies that your marriage isn't going to be able to make it through the distance, that you're husband doesn't want to be home., that you are single, etc., plug your ears to the deceit. Remember that you must "be brave...you were made for this!" You are not alone; God will help you and see you through any tough times. God does care for you and your family. Draw close to Him and listen to His Truth.
I hope that you are ready to focus forward in 2009...one step at a time. Drop into our Marriage from a Distance discussion and share ways you hope to work on focusing forward or ways you'd like to read here about forward in 2009.
To end this column this month I'd like to leave you with a song by The Katinas. "Your are God" allows us to the opportunity to praise God for helping us to Focus Forward. It enables us to praise our Father in Heaven with hearts filled with joy and thankfulness. As we Focus Forward this year let's try to keep this attitude of praise towards our Awesome Father.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for some one to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers through out the world are under going the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:6-9 (NIV)
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