It's Not Worth the Price

Ghandi once said, "There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever."  Well, I've had occasion to be ashamed in this regard.  I am determined to change -- to learn to trust instead of toss and turn.    

Back in November, a few days after getting back from a missions trip to Africa, I began to have a terrible pain in my upper left side.  At first I was convinced it had something to do with the trip.  My doctor suspected malaria and I was tested several times.  The test came back negative and I was subsequently tested for all kinds of things, none of which solved the problem.  For over seven months, I dealt with pain that often woke me in the middle of the night.  Finally a few weeks ago it was finally diagnosed -- an ulcer.  The doctor says it's not a result of what I eat or don't eat, nor do I have an infection that causes it -- it's just good 'ol stomach acid mainly caused by stress. Can you relate?  

I think most ministry wives can, unfortunately.  The stress that women in ministry go through is indescribable to others. Someone once said, "The ministry defies explanation to those outside of it."  Until one has walked in your shoes they just do not understand the overwhelming expectations, and the unique pressures. Living in Tampa Bay as I do, I'd love to produce a reality show called, "The Real Pastor's Wives of Tampa Bay."  Quite frankly, I think it would be a lot more shocking than the Real Housewives of New Jersey, Orange County, or anywhere else for that matter. People have NO CLUE.  I've often had ministry friends say that if the general population did have a clue what we go through they might think twice about ever coming to church so we probably shouldn't tell them.  Another project I'd love to do is a book entitled, "Why Does a Pastor's Wife Have to Go Through Hell to Get to Heaven?"  

 For me, the years 2007 and 2008 had difficult circumstances attached to them. There is no need for me to share all the details, but I'll just say I was thankful to leave 2007 behind thinking better days were ahead. My husband and I rang in the new year with a great big kiss and said to each other, "It's over!  Yay!" but alas, another tough year was ahead in 2008. During that time I stressed privately, and could often feel myself becoming overwhelmed with anxiety. The fear was unbelievable at times. My greatest concern was, "what if this never gets better?"  There are times in our lives that we just can't see ourselves on the other side of something.  I had a lot of days like that.  One night a friend, another pastor's wife,  called a prayer meeting on my behalf out of concern for me., Depression set in and it took me months to get beyond it. During this whole time I technically knew I shouldn't worry, after all it was what I had been taught all my life -- to cast my cares upon Him, for He cares for me..." yet I honestly couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Friends would also say, "this too shall pass..." but I  wasn't so sure as it all seemed to be a bunch of empty cliches. 

January 2009 came and this year it wasn't with a big kiss and the fanfare of the previous year.  My husband and I were too nervous to make such a declaration.  As the ball dropped in Times Square and we watched it on TV in our living room with with a group of friends, we were cautiously optimistic. I remember standing at my kitchen sink loading the dishwasher as the countdown was going on and everybody in the room was screaming, just silently thinking to myself how afraid I was of the future. 

Thankfully some huge changes came about at the beginning of this 2009 year. Had I known what was to come I wouldn't have been loading the dishwasher and brooding, I would have been doing the happy dance around the living room.  The changes that occurred in the past six months not only turned my circumstances around but made my world better than I could have ever imagined.  Why did I worry so?  Why was I such a doubter?  Why did I not trust?  These are all questions I have asked myself over and over, and at times regret but am refusing to be swallowed up over.  However, although life is different now,  I am paying a price.  

Although situations have changed and amazing things are happening, I am now left with the consequences in my body of what I did to myself during those two years.  Due to my worry, I am now walking the journey of healing from this ulcer.  Over and over during the past month I have encouraged friends who are in difficult situations to hold on and trust instead of worry and fear, so that they will not pay the price in their bodies later on for their lack of trust in the hand of God to move in their situation.  Keep in mind that even when we don't see a way that God can make in the situation he has the ability to create things out of nothing, and bring things out of nowhere!     

Matthew 6:30-34 in the Message Bible puts it like this:  "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."   

Worry is simply not worth the price.  Michele, a good friend of mine, tells me that "worry is like a rocking chair -- it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere!" Indeed I have found that to be true.   Worry is not productive, and our troubles are just like people -- they grow bigger when you nurse them!  

Don't nurse them, don't rehearse them, simply put them in God's hands and trust Him. I say this not as a glib answer or a cliche but as a person who went through some serious and scary times, having come to the conclusion that even if the worst would have happened, God would have sustained me.  He will do the same for you.