Breaking the Abuse Cycle - Part 1

I went to a fast food restaurant after church with my family where a young girl took our order. I could not help but notice that she had a fat lip with stitches. I felt compelled to ask her if she was alright and to find out how this happen. With compassion, I gently asked her. She softly spoke, "My boyfriend did this." I told her I was so sorry, and I took the time to look deep into her eyes with empathy. I totally knew how she felt. When I was close to her age I had a fat lip too from being beaten. She needed protection, a clean break, and a determination to not allow herself to be in an abusive relationship again.

Survivors of abuse are the only people that can break this cycle. Statistics are clear. Victims of abuse are more likely to be abusive to their own family. Most people parent as they were raised. Abuse follows a generational cycle that is not only taught through experience, but that has a strong spiritual generational curse that must be broken. Just as important, neurological pathways are developed throughout childhood, and unless they are rewired, abuse is a 'naturally programmed' response.

How does a person break the cycle of abuse? What does God say in His Word? Breaking the cycle of abuse is not easy, but here are the three great steps in the right direction:

1. Repentance
   
2. Forgiveness
3. Surrender
   

I will begin with Repentance in this article and follow with Forgiveness and Surrender in the next articles. It is important to cover each of these in enough detail so that someone who has suffered through violent, painful abuse can know that in God's Word there are truths that can break the cycle of abuse. Just because you have been abused, even if it was for eighteen years, you do not have to follow in the footsteps of your abusers. You can raise up a godly generation, beginning with your children ensuring that they will learn to love Lord with all their heart, soul, and mind; and to be children that love others as they love themselves. The curse of abuse that is naturally passed down to the next generation can be stopped!

Repentance used in the New Testament comes from the Greek word, metapempo, which means "to think differently, to reconsider, and a reversal of thinking". A change in mental direction is needed to break the cycle of abuse. The survivor is going to have to choose to reconsider all that they have experience and therefore 'learned'. They must be certain that their beliefs are biblical, and not just habit or instinct from their abusive or traumatic childhood.

In Acts 8:22, Peter explained to a man whose heart and ways were not right in the sight of God, that he needed to "Repent therefore of this your wickedness, and pray God if perhaps the thought of your heart may be forgiven you. For I see that you are poisoned by bitterness and bound by iniquity" (NKJV). You must come to a point of repentance in life realizing that are not living for God and according to His ways. What is so hard for people who have been abused is that it is difficult to view their own personal sin as wicked because you are so more caring, sensitive, and thoughtful than those who sinned against you. In light of the horrendous things done to an abused child, they are appear as good as gold.

But the problem is we are not measured against others. Our standard is Jesus. And we all fall very short of His example. The Bible says, "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23 NKJV). A good question a pastor asked me once was, "Lindy, who sinned more: you against your heavenly Father or your earthly father against you?" I know what the "churchy" answer was - 'me against my heavenly Father'. However, in my heart of hearts I didn't feel like it could be true. How could I be a greater sinner than my father who had done so many horribly things to me and my family throughout my childhood?

So I went home to my little one bedroom apartment and would daily kneel by my sofa and pray, "God show me my sin. Show me how I could possibly be a greater sinner than my dad?" And day after day, God answer my request. He would allow me to see sin I had committed since my childhood until I was in my twenties. By the third or fourth day, I cried out to God to stop showing me my sin. I was overcome with godly sorrow, knowing how much I had done to disobey and hurt My Heavenly Father. I was so ashamed, and couldn't bear to see anymore of my wickedness through God's eyes.

I finally came to full repentance knowing without a doubt that I had and would continue to sin much more against God than any one person could ever sin against me. My sin committed against God was even greater than all the horrible things my father did against me. I learned that the people who abused me where not my measure of goodness. My standard was Jesus! And in repentance I was determined to live my life according to God's Word. I no longer wanted to be just better than my parents. I wanted to be godly, like Jesus, and anything short of that was sin that I needed to confess and ask God for forgiveness. In two weeks, I will explain how forgiveness and surrender are necessary to break the cycle of abuse.