A Sex-Stained Past? How to Help Your Friend!

 
 
Midnight. A teen girl has sex with a guy she knows from school. It feels good. Not the sex -- not really -- but his attention. She loves to hear him say, "I love you," though she figures it's a lie. 

3 a.m. A 40-something woman stares at her bedroom ceiling, her husband at her side. She feels guilty about her growing attachment to a guy at work. Should she say anything?

6 a.m. Headed to work, a mother of two remembers that on this day fifteen years ago, she walked into an abortion clinic. They said it was just tissue. In her heart, she knew different.

9 a.m. She can't get the images out of her head. Images of naked men and women on her computer screen the night before. She zombie-walks to the fridge, grabs the half-full pizza box and eats. She knows she'll purge in 30 minutes.

These women (all of whom are composites of Christian women I've counseled) have sex-stained pasts and need a friend like you to come alongside and show them grace and share wisdom, given to all who ask our Almighty God. Here at Counselors' Coach, you discover how to help your hurting Christian friends and offer hope. Real hope.

When you encounter a problem you cannot handle, please mention my name to your friend. As a trained biblical counselor I have counseled women in person and over the phone. Many of the women I counsel take medication (such as antidepressants) prescribed by their doctors.

Among the greatest benefits of biblical counseling: It is highly effective because it employs God's Word for deep healing. To know more, click my website's Counseling tab.

Sexual stain is common among Christian women. Sometimes women and girls who have sex before marriage, commit adultery, who become addicted to pornography or who abhor sexual intercourse even with their husbands were molested or raped as a child or teen.

Sometimes the culture's message that sex is for pleasure anytime, anywhere and with anybody entices women to willingly share their bodies.

But there is a cost.

A sex-stained Christian woman may feel guilt or confusing emotions even when in an otherwise healthy marriage. She has memories that interfere with a pleasurable sharing as God intended. Sex is a gift from God for a husband and wife.

When your hurting friend insinuates that her sex life is a mess, gently ask, "Do you know why?" She may. Allow her to do most of the talking while you listen. Occasionally, reflect back what she said. This way you know you understand her and she knows you're listening. As needed ask a question for clarification.

As she brings her pain into the light, she receives healing. "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light" (Ephesians 5:8, NIV).

As long as she keeps her secret of molestation, rape or promiscuity, the awful feeling of guilt, anger, disgust, and sadness will keep its hold on her and intrude in her marriage and her sex life with her husband. She may show outward signs of inner pain. Examples include anorexia, bulimia, and cutting.

So what does your hurting friend do with her pain? Encourage her to agree with God that she made an ugly choice, which the Bible calls sin, and determine to accept God's forgiveness.

The Bible says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all righteousness" (1 John 1:9, NIV).

Encourage your hurting friend to believe God wants her to experience freedom from her sex-stained past.

The four women mentioned at the beginning? What happened to them?

The first is enjoying a "second virginity" as she waits on God to introduce her to her future husband. The second told her husband and left her workplace. The third has made peace with God and no longer suffers depression. And the fourth? She no longer views pornography and is free from her food disorder.

What about you? What about your hurting friend?