Married But Oh-So Lonely

Does your friend feel alone in her marriage? Does she ache for care, communication, and caresses from her husband? Has she wondered, "God, why? Why am I in a lonely marriage in which thoughts and feelings of worthlessness bombard me?"

What about you? Are you willing to help your hurting friend in a lonely marriage? I hope so. God commands us to help "one another."

At Counselors' Coach, I coach you to counsel Christian women in a crazy world of relational difficulties, wacky emotions (including anxiety), sadness and anger, and even addictions. If you like what you read here,I encourage you to subscribe to my blogs, Real Hurts, Real Hope and The Sisterhood of Beautiful Warriors.

Here are two true stories. Names and some details have been changed to protect privacy, and both the husbands and wives are Christians.

A Stinky Story

Jessica's husband stinks. Though in his 50s, he has bad breath that could slay a monster. He not only stinks but also is a mess; a highly educated mess:

He leaves out dishes. He misses the toilet and fails to wipe the tinkle.

What's worse, he flirts with pretty ladies right in front of her.

Jessica has had numerous sit-downs with her husband about other women, personal hygiene, and sloppiness. He deflects her comments, saying that she can clean his dishes and urine since it bothers her, not him, and that she can leave the conversation when he flirts.

A #1 Son Story

Susanna's husband has a best friend and it's not her. The best friend is their 30-something, college-educated son who lives at home. She thinks their son should move out. Her husband says he should stay and that she should: do the son's laundry and make his lunches that he totes to work.

The son doesn't pay rent, contribute to the bills, or help around the house or yard.

Susanna deeply loves her son and wants the best for him, and she knows his leeching is not only wrong, but also damaging to him.

What's Your Take?

In each story, what do you think are the underlying problems? In addition to listening to the women's stories of loneliness, what would you say?

At the core of each women's plight is failure of the husband to heed biblical commands to love his wife.

"'For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Eph. 5:31-33, NIV).

Also,

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up her, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves himself loves his wife" (Eph. 5:25-28).

You may wonder, What about verses that say wives should submit to their husbands? Those are valid too, of course. Read my take on God's command to submit.

Without a doubt Jessica's and Susanna's husbands are not demonstrating love as God commands. I'm certain both men, and the grown son, have many fine qualities; otherwise, the women would not have married them. However, sin now entangles them.

These wives have erred too; generally, women in problem marriages sin (or make an ugly choice contrary to God's commands) when they fail to speak the truth in love. Some speak words that cut, nag, and belittle. Others remain silent; the growing resentment becomes deafening.

Back to the stories.

What is Jessica's husband's major sin? Selfishness. His flirting borders on adultery. To her, his behavior says, "I do not value you."

Susanna's husband has misplaced affections. He chooses the grown son over his wife. In addition, he devalues Susanna when he demands that she do work that the son is perfectly capable to handle. (He also devalues the adult son; another column for another time.)

How might you help a friend in a lonely marriage?

First, after listening well, a good friend might reassure her that God sees her plight and grieves with her. Remind her of God's character: good, sovereign, patient, compassionate, just, and so on.

Second, you want to ask her about her health, including emotional difficulties like depression, fear, anger. Suggest that she see her doctor.

Third, you need to ask gentle questions to discover her part of the problem (such as nagging, disrespectful comments or actions, or an emotional affair with another man) and if this is occurring, remind her that our gracious God wants her change her ways. Through seeking forgiveness she can deepen her relationship with God.

Lastly, you must encourage her to pray continually and look to Christ as her husband (for he will not fail her) and to speak the truth to her husband in love. God commands her to respect him unconditionally. This is tough. God has given her his grace to accomplish this super-human feat.