Disappearing Days

My therapist tells me that 'disappearing days' can occur when part of my soul is shutting me down. An alternative part, an alter within my soul, is afraid of being hurt, doesn't want to feel, is frightened of being forced to remember or experiences situations too horrible for words to describe takes over, and therefore, it shuts me down. So, a person can experience times of appearing to go away.

She wants to check out of life, since she is unable to handle the strong feeling. Amazingly, an alter, a part of one's soul that evolved through trauma, is able to take over the adult self, dragging her awareness to a lower level of consciousness. It is when this happens that a person can no longer will herself to do as she chooses. She is no longer the one willing. She is experiencing a disappearing day.

If you have ever suffered from depression, even mild postpartum depression, you know what it is like to not feel yourself. You know your emotionally unstable, but you can't seem to will yourself to do anything about it. Our free will is not as powerful as we imagine.While we use our free will daily, often many of our actions are habit. 

When we get physically ill, like with the flu, it is harder to will your body or mind to do as you wish. It takes much more energy to will your aching body to go to the kitchen, open the pantry, reach for a can of chicken noodle soup, walk to the stove, open a cabinet, find a medium size pot, grab a can opener, cut the lid off the can, pour the soup in the pot, place the pot on the stove, and turn on  the burner. Each step becomes a conscious choice. Usually we function quite robotic-ally doing our normal behaviors or routines.

These once simple habits can be difficult to perform during a time of mental instability. Being depressed, detached, grieving, disassociating or any other emotional distress can make you feel trapped behind glass. You look normal to others but inside you find it challenging, even impossible, to function appropriately and to remain connected to what is happening in the present time. It is like you are caught in a dream and can't wake up. You feel anywhere from several levels away from consciousness to right below the surface. The degree doesn't matter. You are out of touch and not thinking right. And, this is quite disturbing!

Sadly, days disappear. For me this is the hardest part of struggling with mental illness. Without warning, I check out of the life, and away from those I love. I become needy, child-like, drained. These episodes deeply affect my regular responsibilities, close relationships, and level of reliability. Since I never know when I am going to fade away, it is impossible to plan for it.

Life goes on for your family without you being able to participate. Children still need to accomplish lessons, have clean clothes and meals to eat. Everyone learns to fend for themselves. Since activities planned can not always be put on hold, you will inevitably miss out on special times and sadly, your children learn you won't always be available, or worse, that you can be embarrassing for them.

Living like this is very disheartening to everyone involved. I can not say who hurts most, the one suffering from mental illness or the people who have to watch someone they love change into a distant, weary shell of the person they once were.

Sleep is very common. A lot of sleep! During 'disappearing days' a person can sleep almost 24 hours. I am not sure if it is a way for the body to stabilize, to reset chemical levels or to process thoughts,that are too overwhelming to be handled in a conscious state, through dreaming .

Even in the darkest, loneliest, most distant days, we must never forget God. When we withdraw inside due to trauma triggers or confrontations, we are free inside to call on God and to cling to Him. He will help us silently resist accusations, or reasoning against our Biblical beliefs.

As Christians we are not empty, we are filled with God Who is greater and deeper than any pain we have suffered. We can reach out and pray to God without speaking a word! Welling up from our spiritual reservoir, through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can grasp the fullness of God, the perseverance of the saints and the inner joy to get through a time of bodily imprisonment. 

Be certain, we must be prepared. We must study God's Word and learned to be steadied by His principles, so that when the enemy forges his greatest attacks against us we are equipped. When we  come back to our adult self, we must plunge deeper into our personal relationship with Father God. Staying intimate with Him is not a nice Christian thing to do, it is necessary for survival.

And in some ways because we have such enormous needs, we are driven to plant ourselves more wholly surrendered into to his Word to survive the most wicked storms. In days that you disappear, don't loose hope! God is always there. He is ready to scoop you up and be everything you need Him to be. He poured himself out so that we can be filled with the Holy Spirit.

Comments

[Barb]

Losing days--my sister used to lose days through sleep. She was diagnosed over 20 years ago with borderline personality disorder, depression, and anxiety disorder. She had a very hard 20 years, over a year that she lived in the state hospital and they even tried shock treatments that didn't work. She has also had years of outpatient therapy. But for the last year she has been doing much better. For years she believed God couldn't love her, and couldn't even think much about Him. But He's always thought about her, and now at 57 she is out of therapy (at least for now) and off all but one medicine. She now knows God does love her, and she is back participating in life.

I've wondered what has happened, and she and I have talked some. Part of it is she has now learned how to deal with life better than before, and I also read somewhere that people with this type of disorder can mellow as they get older. She loves God, and her family has received the healing Judy and includes her where she couldn't include herself before. She knew and loved God before this season and does again. God kept he more r when she was trying to kill herself and has given herthan before she went through this season.

I guess I'm trying to say that with God there is always good reason for hope. I'm so thankful He loves us.