I Am So Sorry

As I pray to God for guidance in writing this article, I overwhelmingly hear these words, "I am so sorry. I am so sorry you went through that horror. I am so sorry your innocence was stolen. I am so sorry you are hurting. I am so sorry life is hard for you. I am so sorry it is difficult to heal. I am so sorry..."  I write from the heart. My heart is guided by the Holy Spirit who lives in me. When I properly yield my will to His, I aim to write from the heart of God.

Abuse is sin. Sin brings death. "For the wages of sin is death..." (Romans 6:23, NIV). Death occurs on a physical, spiritual and soul level. Healing from abuse is so complicated because the wounds inflicted are wide, deep and generational. No person can be lightly touched by abuse. No matter if you were abused once or every day of your life - the abuse crumbles the foundational beliefs of being human. 

God creates humans in His image. In God's image sin does not exist. We have an innate sense that we are special. No one has to teach a child that he is different from a dog, butterfly, horse or monkey. It is only hardened adults that struggle with this concept. Every child longs to be loved, and this is essential because God is love.

No matter how young a child is abused, the child instinctively knows it is wrong. The mind often takes control to protect the life of the child by suppressing memories or disassociating from abusive experiences. Children are not taught how to do this, but it happens naturally because God created humans with a will to live. A baby born into this world needs to be nurtured. A baby cries for needs to be met.

Imagine yourself as a baby - a newborn. You are coming into a world quite different than the last nine months. You learn and respond to interactions with people. All babies should be born into homes of loving caring parents, but real life doesn't allow this.

The truth is many babies are born into broken families. The newly decorated nursery with all the cozy blankets, soft lights, quiet rocker and soothing music is not a reality for most. We see it a lot on TV, in the magazines, and baby books. I wish every child born into this world had this fairytale beginning, but it is not reality.

As an adult survivor of child abuse, I struggle when I go into a perfect nursery. Instinctively I long to be in this security and comfort, but a deep sadness comes over my heart. I often want to cry, sometimes I do as I touch all the pretty new things. My eyes take in all the preparations. . .the painted walls, beautiful bed, pictures, toys, clothes, and I feel so much numbness and pain. I know this baby is wanted with bubbling over anticipation. These parents hope to take special care of their baby. They long to cuddle their baby with love.

I feel sorrow. I wonder what it must be like to be born into a family that nurtures their children. I wonder how different would I be to have never suffered child abuse, to have never been hit, yelled at or violated. I will never know, and either will any other person who was abused as a child.

Child abuse was never God's will - NEVER! And I think this is what makes me cry, because I know God is crying. God is hurting for every little child that is abused. He so longs to hold them, gently rock them, whisper sweet words into their soul, and to stop the abuse. He cries out for every abused child to hear, "I am so sorry. I am, oh, so very sorry this happened to you."

These are the words every adult survivor of child abuse needs to hear. They need to know someone empathized with their pain. They need to know that someone really cares. They need to know that they are precious - a priceless treasure - a person that should have been totally taken care of and loved. They need to know what happen to them was wicked, unjustifiable, and absolutely wrong.

If you have been abused, take these words to heart soothing you deep within. Allow God to speak to your soul how much He adores you. If you have not been abused, remember the next time you come across someone who has to express your genuine empathy; "I am so very sorry that happen to you." "I am really sorry" are the first words I speak to knowingly embrace anyone that shares their story of abuse.

Empathy validates their experience. So often the abusers deny anything wrong was done. They accuse the person they abused of lying, making up stories, exaggerating, not letting go of the past, or even worse, of being crazy, evil or the one who caused the "problem."

Empathy is a necessary step to helping someone heal from child abuse. It lets them know that even though you may not be able to fully relate, you sincerely care about what happen to them and about how they are suffering as they try to make sense of their wounds and find healing and closure. Simple words, but when spoken in love, can be so life-giving. "I am sorry."

Comments

[Shannon Heiden]

Lindy,

About a month ago, the Lord had reminded me of this very subject. I knew it was not the right timing for me to write about it, beings that I just knew, lol but also knew He had much to say about the injustice of being abused, and mistreated. About 3 years ago, I was the Director of a Recovery ministry, and one of the things I had incorporated into the ministry was a class called "healing from the inside out." The main woman the ministry hosted had years of training and experience in abuse, and finding true healing. As a facilitator, and after having much experience myself with being mistreated, I knew that the Church should be the one place on earth, that people can run to, to find help, hope and healing. I remember sitting in the back of the sanctuary one evening listening to her speak before we broke up into our groups.

I remember looking at all the hurting people in the room and being so grateful that God had brought me to where I was, yet at the same time being reminded of my own sufferings, I admit I was a bit bothered at the suffering people have endured. I loved and received the message, yet knowing myself the way I do, I knew I wasn't satisfied with some of the answers I was hearing.

The woman then said something that bothered me even more, "the Lord weeps for you", "Jesus cried when that happened to you." It was a blanket statement I had heard many times, usually given to wounded people, but that statement for some reason, that night bothered me and brought such an emotion out in me, but not in the way that you described, or that I would've thought myself.

I remember becoming angry, and saying to the Lord, alot of good it does for you to cry for me, but being a God of power and might, I needed you to have done something, or to now make sense of it, and bring something out of it that somehow will justify the years I had lost like so many others.

God came through. It was a genuine, deep longing within me to know that my God didnt just feel bad for me but tthat He would do something about it, and show me something that would help me to reason and understand. I needed that one word from God that would set me free, and allow my mind to know that I wasn't just a victim of anothers shortcomings.

This is what the Lord reminded me of a month ago, and yet again as I read your article. I will share with you what he said to me and showed me. I definitely will be writing on it. It actually was so profound and I had never ever heard it before from anyone when dealing with the abuses and sufferings people deal with.

Isnt that just like God? No wonder He's called Counselor, comforter, and wonderful. Sometimes we need the loving, gentle hand of God, then, there are those times when we need to know that He is absolutely a heavyweight, he's mighty, nothing escapes his watchful eye, and He doesn't just weep for us, but He rides a white horse with a sword in his mouth and He will come and draw the line in the sand on behalf of his own.

The point Im trying to make is that you are so right and God has surely spoken. For many people no one has ever even acknowledged that any injustice and wound was ever inflicted, and for a woman, or man to hear someone acknowledge that it has, that is so powerful!!! The first step into a journey of healing, is acknowledgment that a wound exists.

Im so excited to have read this article, because I know that God speaks many things in a language we each need to hear. Some absolutely need to hear the "loving" voice of God, while others ,may need to hear; the "conqueror" voice from God.

This has blessed me so much, thank you, and Im so excited to see how the Lord has brought each of us together, and knits us to one another with different experiences and revelations so that we may show one more facet of the Lord that he wants revealed.

I hope this makes sense, but I just wanted to say thank you, it blessed me, and it was the piece I needed and was waiting on....

[Lindy Abbott]

Shannon,
Thank you so much for sharing. You know, as being a co-laborer of God and writer, that we write because we are compelled. It is what we must do. I know from reading your every article that you allow God to write through you, as I also try today. It is a blessing to know you are being used by God, and that intricately He has perfect timing and exact words that need to be said. We are two vessel - two of God's pitchers of grace - allow God to pour out through our pain, knowing, healing, and love relationship with Him. I am honored to be His servant, but also to be a co-laborer with you in this journey. Thank you for hugging me with this note ... God has used it to affirm what He is doing.

Lindy