Take Root and Write

A Rose Garden of Healing

And she lived happily ever after. . .Amen! And she drove off into the sunset. . .Amen! And she sent her final mortgage payment to the loan company. . .Amen! Alleluia!

We all dream of the end of a burden, but how many of us dream of being in the middle of a crisis in life. Our tomb stone will show the date we were born and the date we die, but our life is lived in all the days represented by the dash. We have our own perfect picture of how abundant life should look, but reality doesn't often match our desired outcome. Many years ago, when I first thought about writing a story of the abuse and healing in my life, I oddly pictured the scene of the final chapter being in a park setting. I would be in a "June Cleaver" dress lounging on a checkered blanket. 

Knowing I had arrived at the good side of life, I'd happily watch my little one crawl around as a refreshing breeze touched my face and tossed my dark chocolate hair. Under the ocean-tropic blue skies my husband would swing a Frisbee to our giggling child. I would reach into the wooden-weaved, picnic basket and pull out  some homemade delicacies calling everyone to lunch. As we gathered on the blanket, the theatrical music would start and the scene would fade with everyone knowing life-is-complete, and all-is-well.

Guess what? This has never happen, and it never will. Nevertheless, the most difficult parts of my healing journey are finished. While I know God is ever molding me, I have a sweet peace and deep relief that the horrendous days are over. I am not saying I never hurt anymore, or I have become a living saint that never experiences personal sin. I am saying I pressed-on walking obedient to God, until He gave me assurance that I had fulfilled the path He chose for me.

Building Friendships That Last

Everyone wants friends. Hurting people need friends. Unfortunately, people who have been abused have horrible relationship skills and frequently damage friendships. God can help you learn friendship building principles that will develop solid, mutual, supportive friendships.

God wants us to be the kind of friend we most need in the deepest sorrows we endured in the healing processes recovering from childhood trauma and abuse. When Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself," He understood persevering in friendship was not easy (Matthew 5:39, NKJV). We need to become a person who loves others if we were to ever build friendships that endures a crisis, disappointments, and misunderstandings. 

What is a friend according to God?  "A friend loves at all time...a man who has friends must himself be friendly. . .there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. . .faithful are the wounds of friends" (Proverbs 17:17, 18:24, 27:6).

Did you ever consider God didn't send anyone because He longs to establish your undivided friendship?

You had to experience falling on your own, and figuring out how by His provision to get up relying totally on Him. When He gave you the strength to never quit, to by His grace continue for one more day, you were learning He was your strong tower to run to in times of need.

God desires for us to learn to first press into Him. He wants to be our primary relationship. Jesus said, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind" (Matthew 5:37). Our relationship with God comes first.

It is Not Your Fault

"Am I lovable? Am I huggable?" is the heart cry of every child. Yesterday I gave a boy twice my size a hug. He was hanging out with youth before the church service started. He was in the crowded room but not really connected to anyone. I had cried for him the previous day, when I heard he'd being taken to juvenile court. He was going before a judge because he lost control and beat his sister. Why would I cry for a big kid who had just beat up his sister? He has fetal alcohol syndrome. When his mom was pregnant and he was in her womb, she drank and drugged.

This teen did not put one glass of liquor to his lips, but he will always be marked by effects of his mom drinking while pregnant. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is not a birth defect, but it creates irreversible damage to the baby. The symptoms vary but include: heart defects, joint deformities, sleep problems, learning disabilities, poor impulse control, extreme nervousness, high adrenaline strength, and sudden rage.

Many times these babies are neglected, abused and placed into foster care. While most who foster or adopt are loving adults, often they will struggle tremendously trying to help the child adjust. Many people who are born with illnesses or disease that cause abnormal or even destructive emotional behavior frequently live a painful life of never feeling like they can fit in.

Deep internal desires to control their thoughts or behaviors are sporadic causing guilt, anger and thoughts of suicide. Every child wants to be loved and to love others. When a person realizes that they hurt the people closest to them, the very people in life trying to help them, it is emotionally crushing. No easy solutions are available.

Can Death Bring Healing?

Her face tells it all. Thinking about her abuser causes passionate anger to boil within. Her body tenses when "good people" tell her she needs to forgive. She will often deny the raw feelings in her heart, knowing it is not socially acceptable to wish someone is dead. Denial is one coping method she uses to help her function "normal" but it will also keep her imprisoned in her wounded heart. 

"I wish he was dead. I hate him," echoes through her mind as guilt suppresses her thoughts. While it is not rare for a victim to wish her abuser harm or death, it is not always a first, or even a conscious thought. It can hide deep within. A child who has been abused by a parent or close relative has a difficult time dealing with a fact that someone who should have protected them has caused them so much pain. She feels unsafe, betrayed, and unlovable.

When a victim is safely away from her abuser, she can start dealing with the horrible events in her life. Forgiveness will not fully emerge until the brutal honesty and the consequences of the pain and abuse is allowed to surface. It is common during this process to uncover feelings of hatred toward the abuser. She may feel she can only be safe in the world if her abuser is dead, thereby making certain she will no longer be hurt.

Suicide Cries Out of Darkness

God created us with a will to live. Survival naturally flows from our innate instincts. No sweet innocent child wakes up one morning seeking for ways to die. Children burst with energy and curious quest for living life to its fullest. Suicide grows out of darkness that surrounds experience of assault, trauma and abuse. Suicide grows exponentially in our society since it teaches in a godless vacuum with no true hope.

Yes, "Hope" popularized as the new magically word to be the answer to all the problems, but a word is empty, meaningless and dangerous when the focus of the hope is a person, program, or political party. Young people despair when they reach out for the promised hope and it is nothing but hot air.

It didn't take me long as a youth to realize most adults and people in authority were clueless about how to really help someone that was suffering from the internal bleeding of daily child abuse. Wrapping me tightly with band aid solutions did little to rescue me from the hell-hole I lived in.

If you are going to help people who are in crisis being traumatized by the very people who are suppose to protect them, requires someone who is willing to get dirty. Healers get into the nasty mess of mind, heart, and spirit that is already in the process of dying a slow agonizing death. Platitudes wound as deeply as the abuse.

So, what effective measures can be taken to bind up the brokenhearted, to heal the sick and set the captives of Satan free? Apart from the power of God through the indwelling and fresh anointing of the Holy Spirit, all efforts vainly identify the symptom, but give hollow hope with no lasting results. God is clear that it takes someone who has suffered to minister to those who suffer. God can take a healer to deep levels of suffering, even to experience vicarious trauma, to work through the answers to bring someone on the edge of suicide to safety.

If you are sensitive to God moving in the lives of others, hurting people will pass in and out of your life that are suicidal. When we open our hearts to help hurting people because we have been blessed to know God's healing power, we make contact with suffering people.

I Am So Sorry

As I pray to God for guidance in writing this article, I overwhelmingly hear these words, "I am so sorry. I am so sorry you went through that horror. I am so sorry your innocence was stolen. I am so sorry you are hurting. I am so sorry life is hard for you. I am so sorry it is difficult to heal. I am so sorry..."  I write from the heart. My heart is guided by the Holy Spirit who lives in me. When I properly yield my will to His, I aim to write from the heart of God.

Abuse is sin. Sin brings death. "For the wages of sin is death..." (Romans 6:23, NIV). Death occurs on a physical, spiritual and soul level. Healing from abuse is so complicated because the wounds inflicted are wide, deep and generational. No person can be lightly touched by abuse. No matter if you were abused once or every day of your life - the abuse crumbles the foundational beliefs of being human. 

God creates humans in His image. In God's image sin does not exist. We have an innate sense that we are special. No one has to teach a child that he is different from a dog, butterfly, horse or monkey. It is only hardened adults that struggle with this concept. Every child longs to be loved, and this is essential because God is love.

No matter how young a child is abused, the child instinctively knows it is wrong. The mind often takes control to protect the life of the child by suppressing memories or disassociating from abusive experiences. Children are not taught how to do this, but it happens naturally because God created humans with a will to live. A baby born into this world needs to be nurtured. A baby cries for needs to be met.

Safety First

In the beginning years of healing, I was desperately seeking God's deliverance. I hoped for an instantaneous miracle, for a one time event to restore my body and soul as though I had never been through eighteen years of horrible abuse and trauma.

On one occasion I went to a church that had a deliverance ministry. As the class started, the free-spirited leader put on some music and wanted everyone to loosen-up twirling around the room to the music. It made me uncomfortable.

Then he directed probing questions to me, and everyone's focus was on "helping" me (the new gal). When they wouldn't let up, I ran away in tears until I got to my car. Scared and emotional wreck when I saw the leader heading toward my car, I rushed to get in my car and leave. 

This is a perfect example of a "ministry" not putting safety first. Child abuse is primarily about being and feeling unsafe. Recovery must begin with helping a survivor to feel safe. Healing progresses if therapy, small groups, and support networks provide emotional, physical and verbal safety. If you don't feel safe, you will not be able to open up areas of your soul that need healing. 

"Safety First" seems to be common sense statement to most people, but adult survivors of abuse struggle to identify safety. Alarmingly, it is not unusual for a person raised by an abusive parent to marry an abusive spouse. How can this happen?

Sexual Intimacy for Victims of Abuse

Sexual intimacy in marriage is significant problem if the wife is a child abuse survivor. The most important point to know about physical intimacy with someone who has been abused is that most often the person will emotionally disconnect from the act of lovemaking. Sex is very complicated to examine because it has an aspect that we don't truly even comprehend fully. 

God says in his Word, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24 NKJV).

The man is joined to his wife; therefore, the responsibility first falls on the husband to keep the union together. But what is more of a mystery to us is hearing that they will become one flesh, explaining the the union is indissoluble.

In marriages that a wife comes to her wedding night damaged by sexual abuse, love-making will be crippled. Some women shun sex, feeling disgusted  to be seen or touched. Others perform wild sex acts giving her body freely in anyway, because she feels dirty and unworthy. Either way her marriage will not have the beauty of physical marriage intimacy that God designed until the couples seeks godly counsel by an experienced professional sex therapist.

It s very common for a bride who has never been in the physical presence of a man to be shy or even nervous on her wedding night.  But think of the complications when the bride has had her physical innocence stolen through abuse and trauma. Can you even try to imagine the thoughts and feelings rushing though her body?

Ministry is Messy

Have you seen her? She doesn't wear the latest fashions. Her clothes hang limply masking her shape. She is not a ruffly kind of girl. Her hair isn't stylish. Frequently it looks like she forgot to wash it so she either pulls it back or rolls it on top of her head as a last minute thought. She has little if any makeup, no showy  colors or crisp eyeliner to draw attention to her eyes. Doesn't she know how to look her best?

Have you heard her? Sometimes she talks too much other times not at all. Her words are raw, truth sent forth with the tip of a sword. She doesn't know how to watch her words. She ignores common etiquette on what is socially acceptable to talk about in public. Her words are heavy, careless and can sting as is if she dipped her words in poison before letting them go. Doesn't she know people don't talk that way?

Have you felt her?  Her presence is insignificant, if it weren't for the lurking aura of inadequacy. You try to pretend you don't notice her as she holds back from the crowd. She looks around, uncomfortably, obviously wanting to fit in. Out of nowhere she springs into the center of a conversation. She over-reacts, is hyper-sensitive and pushes for affirmation. It is so awkward how her interactions sway between being non-existent to obnoxious. Doesn't she know people don't relate to her comments?

Disappearing Days

My therapist tells me that 'disappearing days' can occur when part of my soul is shutting me down. An alternative part, an alter within my soul, is afraid of being hurt, doesn't want to feel, is frightened of being forced to remember or experiences situations too horrible for words to describe takes over, and therefore, it shuts me down. So, a person can experience times of appearing to go away.

She wants to check out of life, since she is unable to handle the strong feeling. Amazingly, an alter, a part of one's soul that evolved through trauma, is able to take over the adult self, dragging her awareness to a lower level of consciousness. It is when this happens that a person can no longer will herself to do as she chooses. She is no longer the one willing. She is experiencing a disappearing day.

If you have ever suffered from depression, even mild postpartum depression, you know what it is like to not feel yourself. You know your emotionally unstable, but you can't seem to will yourself to do anything about it. Our free will is not as powerful as we imagine.While we use our free will daily, often many of our actions are habit. 

Snappy, Crabby, Bite Ya Head Off

I am so guilty! I am so ashamed. How can I ever repair relationships I tear down with my out of control rages? I don't deserve these relationships. I am so unworthy. When I repeatedly fail so miserably how can I ever hope for a healthy, loving family. I know that I am one of the major problems in my life, so it is hard to feel good about facing another day. Let's face it - if I get out of bed, chances are good that I am going to hurt someone.

Can you relate? Do you struggle or have a love one that struggles with bouts of rage? No one likes being easily triggered and snapped. It is hard to normally be a joyful person who loves people,God and life, but in an instant you can turn into some kind of wild, angry, yelling monster. After the ugly words roll off the tongue, deep regret follows. Why do we angrily destroying someone we love so much?

A chemical change takes place in the body. The adrenaline hormone is rushing high because a trauma trigger has been tripped. It is like an explosion - like someone stepped on a land-mind that you didn't plant, so you were not ready for the rapid change in your body. A trauma trigger is anything that unconsciously opens the emotions of a traumatic event, and therefore the intense fear (or emotion) starts the body releasing adrenaline, which is the fight, flight or freeze hormone in our body. The emotion of fear is usually not felt, but anger rages in its place.

What About the Abuser?

Two weeks ago I wrote about the perplexing question many people suffering from trauma eventually ask in their path to healing, "God, Did You Allow This to Happen to Me?"

The question that often follows is: "What About the Abuser?" People who have been horrifically abused want to know if she forgives her abuser(s) how will they be punished for what they did. Personally, I felt it was my responsibility to never forget the abuse done to everyone in my home so that my abusive father and passive-allowing mother would pay. I didn't want everyone to forget or pretend nothing happen and all the abuse brushed under the carpet in a state of pretend reality.

When questions come up about trying to understand God and abusive circumstances in our lives, freewill is often a good beginning place. In any conversation about "Why God?" a person must realize everyone in the world has been given the ability to decide and choose, but the answers to a hurting soul's questions does end with freewill. As you read in last week's article, the hurting people must move toward God's redemption that is available to all who sin. As hard as it is to swallow this truth, God's love, forgiveness, grace, and redemption is available to your abusers, just as it is for you.

God, Did You Allow This To Happen To Me?

How many times have you heard it said "If God is a God of love, why did He let this happen?" Just this week, we are seeing one of the greatest disaster in the history of the world. Tens of thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands, of Haitians are dead, buried in the ruble of cement buildings that crumbled in an earthquake. Sadly, the news coming out of Haiti is getting worse, not better.

During times like these, it is not unusual for people who never consider God to asked God-sized questions: "How could this happen?", "Why did this happen?", and "Who can help these suffering people?" When people come to the end of their rope, they turn to God. However, this turning does not always mean they are seeking to know the Creator. Horrific disasters illicit anger and hinder one's belief in an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-capable God.

The same holds true for people who have been abused by those they should have been able to trust. The very ones who were to love and protect them, inflicted unspeakable wounds. It is impossible to recover from abuse and trauma without asking this question, "God, did you allow this to happen?"

It may not be those exact words. Many variations have the same meaning: "God, why didn't you stop it?", "God, how could you weave me in my mother's womb knowing  what would happen to me?", "God, why did you give me those parents?", "God, why didn't you help me?", "God, how could you have watched?", or "God, where were You when I was being abused?" The questions are almost endless and difficult to hear.

Isn't this the big question that is so hard to answer?  I cannot tell you how many times I have asked this. Not in a complaining, whining, poor me way, but in a honest searching quest of wanting to better understand God and my life.

5 Steps to have a Happy Holiday in a Dysfunctional Family

One holiday down! Now we are smack-dab in the "Holiday Season."  Whatever happen on Thanksgiving, there is not one single thing you can do to change it now. But, if something did go really wrong, you can take time to talk about it, even if the only person that is willing to discuss it is God. Are there any people you need to ask for forgiveness? Were you selfish? Were you selfless? Both are sinful, simply two sides of the same sinful coin. 

Holidays are most people's favorite times of the year, but for dysfunctional families it can be the worst of times. It is during these festive of times that the abuse and dysfunction bubble to the surface. Not that abuse happens only during the holidays, but the fact is that the pain is more intense this time of year. And the more intense the pain, the more apt those hurting are to spew their sickness on to others. "Happy Holidays" takes on a whole different meaning for survivors of abuse or those drowning in dysfunction!

There is good news. God gives each of us freewill to choose, and we have a lot of choices to make. When you are God's child, you no longer need to fear what man can do to you, or live to please man. You are free to live for God, and to listen to His desires for your safety, peace, and joy. Out of your weaknesses, He can be strong. So, where does one begin? Here are five simple steps to apply to this season so you can approach holidays to make them happy for you and your own family.

Breaking the Cyle of Abuse - Part 3

Breaking the cycle of abuse is one of the most important responsibilities of a survivor. It is critical and godly work to stop the sinful cycle of family abuse that often exists in the spiritual realm as a generational curse. You may not find status, financial wealth, career bliss, or other worldly measure of success, but you can and must press into God with a tenacious heart that will not let go until God breaks the cycle of abuse.

Speaking from personal experience, sometimes it can feel like you are trying to turn the Titanic 180 degrees, in slow-motion style, away from the iceberg it is about to hit. It will not be an easy life and you will learn again and again to repent, die to self, and claim each victory for the Lord. But, it is through being so needy that you will also succeed and grow deeply with God.

If someone along the way promised you a life that would be 'happily ever after', they lied. Especially if it was promised by someone trying to convince you to become a Christian and have all your problems dissolve into blessing from above. Just like many Cinderella stories, it sounds nice and hopeful, but it just isn't reality. Chances are you will suffer; sometimes even more intensely in this world if you are living a life surrendered to God.

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse - Part 2

People who have been abused have one thing in common - they hate to be told they must forgive their abuser. "You don't know what you are talking about!" "Don't give me that religious crap!" "I will NEVER  forgive or forget what was done to me." "How dare you push forgiveness in my face!" "You don't understand, you could never understand; if you did you would never ask me to forgive." "It is impossible. I have tried over and over. How can I ever completely forgive?"

But in all this deep emotion, people who have been abused share something else in common, they all have the responsibility to break the cycle of abuse. Forgiveness is about God. It is not about you. Since God is able, He can change the course set by generations of evil living and ensure that you will be able to train up a godly generation; a generation that will be determined to never abuse their children.

For the abused, there is little shortage of experiencing great needs. Often, a person who has lived through the hell associated with an abusive home fervently seeks the answers to life. They are compelled by a deep-seated, inner emptiness knowing there must be more to living than suffering. The hunger to be set free from pain frequently leads a survivor of abuse to push through the shallowness of fake-living to seek a deeper meaning and a way to be healed. When a person genuinely seeks Truth, God makes sure that it can be found through Him.

Breaking the Abuse Cycle - Part 1

I went to a fast food restaurant after church with my family where a young girl took our order. I could not help but notice that she had a fat lip with stitches. I felt compelled to ask her if she was alright and to find out how this happen. With compassion, I gently asked her. She softly spoke, "My boyfriend did this." I told her I was so sorry, and I took the time to look deep into her eyes with empathy. I totally knew how she felt. When I was close to her age I had a fat lip too from being beaten. She needed protection, a clean break, and a determination to not allow herself to be in an abusive relationship again.

Survivors of abuse are the only people that can break this cycle. Statistics are clear. Victims of abuse are more likely to be abusive to their own family. Most people parent as they were raised. Abuse follows a generational cycle that is not only taught through experience, but that has a strong spiritual generational curse that must be broken. Just as important, neurological pathways are developed throughout childhood, and unless they are rewired, abuse is a 'naturally programmed' response.

How does a person break the cycle of abuse? What does God say in His Word? Breaking the cycle of abuse is not easy, but here are the three great steps in the right direction:

1. Repentance
   
2. Forgiveness
3. Surrender
   

Warning Signs of a Bad Therapist

Who can I trust? Not again! I hate having to tell my painful life history over and over. And even if I do, will the 'therapist' even know how to treat me? I certainly don't want to open myself up and find out that the counselor doesn't know 'how to put me back together again.' Why should I even disturb my life? It isn't great, but at least I am somewhat managing the important stuff."

These are the common thoughts of so many people hurting from being abused or traumatized. How can one find a good therapist?

Finding a good therapist is like trying to find the right church or best friend. Unfortunately, it often takes experiencing some bad therapist to helps us recognize a gem. The absolute given in looking for a therapist is to make sure she is a solid believer in Jesus as her Lord and Savior. All wisdom comes from God, so she needs to have a personal relationship with Him. Many people say they are Christian, but few allow God to be the central core of their life. You are looking for a therapist that is Spirit-led, and active in her fellowship with other believers. You want a therapist that prays with you and looks to God to lead your therapy session. She knows apart from God you will never be thoroughly and permanently healed, because He is the Healer!

Your therapist, with God's help, will be one of the most influential people of your healing process. I have been to at least a dozen different therapist. From experience, I can tell you the warning signs of a bad therapist. If your current therapist has several of these signs, I encourage to seriously consider your decision and maybe even seek another professional. A bad therapist can cause more trauma and serious emotional pain that can set your healing back a long time.

Five Ways to Better Sleep

The causes of sleeplessness are endless, requiring millions of people to take sleeping pills nightly. But, there is a good reason abused and traumatized individuals often struggle with sleep. During a good night's sleep, the brain processes facts and feelings exposed to during the day in the Random Eye Movement (REM) stage of sleep. Horrific events usually bypass the normal nighttime brain processing. Survivors of trauma frequently stay in the lighter stages of sleep, instead of deep sleep required for REM processing. Traumatic experiences are isolated to parts of the brain that hold the memories until the person is in a safe place to process what happened. These memories of trauma often surface during dreams causing fear, torment, and total frustration because the brain has not properly processed the event.

When I first started writing this article about sleeping better, I compiled a list of current sleep remedies from the latest talk-shows and popular women's magazines. Let's see . . . exercise, regular schedule, quieting down activity, reading, relaxing bath, cup of hot milk or chamomile tea, etc. While I could make the list quite spiritual sounding by including some Biblical principles, I had a nagging feeling that it was not what God has said about sleeping.

Sleeping better is not only an area where I have matured in since childhood, it is an area God is still dealing with me as I go through pre-menopause desires to stay up all hours of the night. As I dig into His Word, I am certain He will be showing me, again, how to correct my ways.

Help, I Can't Sleep! Part Two

At 11 p.m. I explained to my friend on the phone, "My husband says I need to go to bed, so I better go." "I have to go start the laundry," she replied. "At this time of the night! You need to go to sleep," I blurted. "When is she going to do the folding? At 2 a.m.?," chimed in my husband.

I handed the phone to him because he was in a humorous mood. "Didn't you hear the news report today that only 4 percent of the population can properly function on four hours of sleep? The rest of us need eight to ten hours", he informed her. She told him what she had told me, "I never sleep more than three or four hours. I don't have time to sleep. Too many things need to be done."

He handed me back the phone. "I don't have time to sleep!" she resolved. Our phone call ended. I went to bed. She stayed up half the night doing chores, that 'couldn't wait'.

Sleep is Necessary

Some people think sleep is as a waste of time. Especially those who try to squeeze more activities into each twenty-four hours. However, research has shown that sleeping less than eight hours a day is harmful. Doctors have also discovered going to sleep by 10:30 p.m. ensures optimal health. Getting too little sleep can cause weight gain, lower resistance to infection, heart disease, autoimmune disorders, diabetes, high cholesterol, and many emotional problems.

Help, I Can't Sleep! Part One

Why do so many people who have been abused and traumatized struggle with sleep? This is the last thought I had before I walked to bed. Little did I know, God would allow me to learn firsthand and so quickly. In the next few hours, I learned so much because I could not fall asleep.

"So this is what if feel like to toss and turn hour after hour...2:20, 2:44, 3:05, 3:16...boy, that clock is bright...4 o'clock, 5 o'clock...I must go to sleep. I will crash tomorrow. I will experience an emotional melt down," I thought as I flop around the bed.

My thoughts continue, "I don't have time for this. Our family is already stressed to the max ... taking care of my father-in-law, dealing with the identity theft, fighting about money, raising a house of teens, keeping up with the chores, running errands, calling friends in need, ministering to others...."

"Lisa just had a 4 oz baby, they need a meal. Susan is barely hanging on with lymphoma, she needs help cleaning her home so they can sell it to pay cancer bills. So many friends are jobless. So many people are really sick. Sheryl has been to three funerals in 2 weeks and is still pushing the candlelight taking care of two relatives in the hospital." (names changed for privacy)

"Is this why You want me to experience not being able to sleep? Do You want me to be able to know sleeplessness, before I write about it?," I ask God.

My mind is racing. I yawn deeply like a newborn taking in her first breathe of air as my body reflexively fills my lungs with oxygen. My thoughts are so jumbled like scrabble letters tossing in a bag. My muscles ache down to the bone. Finger tips tingle. "Why did I choose this topic to write about?" seeks my inner soul for understanding from God. "Or did the topic choose me?"

Can God Heal Me?

A frightened eight-year old boy lays in his bed terrified to go to sleep; afraid that if he closes his eyes he will wake up blind. Several weeks prior to his sleepless night he was informed of his fading eyesight. He visited every possible specialist, but the doctors were all stumped; x-rays, blood work, scans, and examinations all fell within the norms. Still, the cloudy, cotton-like fragments in the vitreous gel of his eye made it impossible for him to see out of his right eye, and now the left eye, too, was being affected. No one has any answers.

This precious child has been raised in a Christian home and was dedicated to the Lord as an infant. While hearing Vestal Goodman & Friends sing about Christ's second coming, "Big Homecoming", he told his mother he wanted to be up in the sky when Jesus came. That day, at age five, he prayed to accept Jesus. He was baptized a few years later after he learned how to swim and was brave enough to be dunked in the baptismal waters. At age eight, before his fading eyesight, he sat on the bottom bunk in his bedroom telling his mother that God was calling him to be a missionary.

A few months later this Christian babe was facing one of the biggest questions anyone can have in life. He loved the Lord, trusted Him fully, and believed with child-like faith in prayer. His mother took him to the pastor who anointed him with oil and prayed for healing. As the days passed, his eyes did not improve. He began to doubt God, and everything his mother had told him about faith. He had a nagging question, "Can God Heal Me? And if He can, if He is real, if He is Who He says He is, why doesn't He?" Tears streamed down his little face.

I hear voices, Am I crazy? (Part 3)

Most people don't go from living a happy life to wake up one morning hearing voices. People who hear voices often deal with a mental illness that developed over years of abuse. Hearing voices terrifies a person because it feels like you are drowning in a sea of conflicting messages and emotions.

This third and final part of the series "I Hear Voices, Am I Crazy?" clarifies the different voices of mental illness, conscience, and demonic influence. Part One explained the reasons why people hear voices; Part Two explored what God says about hearing voices.

Scientific research shows that people with high intelligence tend to develop alters (other selves) as a defense mechanism to survive during horrific childhood experiences. In the last 12 years, brain scientists have discovered capabilities, structures, and functions of the brain through ground-breaking research using magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) pictures of brain. Often when a person hears voices, the words of a child at different ages emerge. While hearing the voice, she also feels emotionally like the child speaking. The more brutal the abuse endured, increases the possibility that more stages of voices have formed within the hurting soul.

People whose brains improperly matured and developed, have different stages of inner child memories solidified into segments around horrific abuse. The various stages of segmented "inner child" selves develop depending on both the severity of abuse and the length of time a victim is abused. These selves, also called alters, have specific voices, thoughts, feelings, problems, experiences, and needs. The voices emerge when triggered, and are not caused by the adult suffering from the results of childhood violence.  Often the adult who hears voices will be diagnosed as bi-polar, dissociative identity disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, and several others similar disorders.

I Hear Voices, Am I Crazy? (Part 2)

A young mother of preschoolers flung her grocery bags into the trunk as she kept her eye on her three fussy children. Clicking the last car seat strap to secure her children into the car was like trying to round up cattle on the open range. With her children wailing in protest, she opened her car door and hustled into her seat. Fumbling to find her keys in the 'purse-diaper-anything-else you may need' bag, her  emotions began to snap.

Her two-year old cried out endlessly about the four year old taking his happy meal toy. In a split second, through all the chaos she heard a voice, "choke him, shut him up, choke him!" She spun toward the child with her hands moving swiftly toward the toddler's neck. "Stop! I can't take it anymore! Stop!" were the words that flew out her mouth, as she instantly released her hands as her soul shivered with disgust.

Then the voices became louder in her head, saying, "How could you do that? What kind of mother are you? You don't know what you are doing. You always mess up!" Self-loathing thoughts invaded her conscience from deep within her soul, "I can't believe I did that. I hate myself! I am a horrible mother. Why? Why do I always hear those voices telling me to hurt my child?" Tears streamed down her clenched face as groans of regret bellowed out her throat.

As her emotions stabilized she turn back to see her son's face. "I am so sorry. I mommy should never do that. I was wrong. I couldn't take all the noise. I don't understand. Why don't you listen to me and obey me? Please forgive me. I am so sorry," her voice trailing off into deep inner thought as she finally found the keys and started the car to drive home.

I hear voices, Am I crazy? Part 1

I am going to tackle this difficult topic. I will be writing it in three parts because there so much information to cover. The topic of "hearing voices" needs to be talked about, especially among the 'church ladies'.  Too many people are afraid they are the only one who deals with voices. I hesitate to continue because bringing this topic out in the open is like opening up a can of worms. You know how it is, it is like talking about speaking in tongues or predestination.  If you ever want to start a little fireworks in a Sunday school class bring up one of those topics and ask a few questions.

I am going to be as straightforward as I can, but I am by no means the final authority on this topic. Truly, God is the final authority on any topic, not a created person like me. So here I go, I will duck in submission to God and when I finish sharing, you will have direct access to Him. Please feel free to take this topic up with Him.

A few weeks ago a troubled teen from our neighborhood rang our doorbell. My boys went out on the porch to talk to him. He and his two friends were looking for yard work. I asked him how he had been doing and he freely shared everything that he'd been going through." You know I was sent away for a few months?," he started. We had heard through neighborhood children that he attempted suicide twice and was sent to a home to help troubled teens. He continued, "I am on meds now and doing much better. I was so depressed all the time and hearing voices."

I wanted him to feel at ease so I thank him for sharing and told him that I have been taking medication for about ten years. "I used to be close to you. I wanted you to know," he kindly explained to us. I understood what he was saying. Like him, I don't like to tell all the neighbors about my personal life, but I have a longing to help people not feel odd. I want them to know they belong. So I spoke a little deeper revealing to him that I have had times in my life that I have also heard voices. I wanted to assure him that he was not alone.

I need a Mommy!

There are times when God asks us to be vulnerable to help others see. For me, this is one of those times.

"I need a mommy!" mumbled the child through tears walking up and down the hallway. Over and over, it was all she could say, the only thought that seemed to answer the hurt inside her wounded heart. "I need a mommy! I need a mommy! I need a mommy!" she repeated as she sucked her finger for comfort.

She is about  three-years old. So confused and lost, but she knew what she was missing. A mommy to her would be someone to take care of her, someone to love her, someone to belong to...but where, where could Mommy be found?

Let me explain a little. Children raised in broken or abusive home lack security and attachment. A mother provides this as she embraces her child and gently pats her back or when she lovingly gazes in her baby's eyes. Tender times like these are vital to proper brain development. Without them the brain does not allows chemicals to be released that calms and eases stress. This explanation sounds technical, but people need to understand an abuse survivor does not simply regret not having a parent-child relationship. The brain actually develops improperly in children that are abused, neglected, or living in unstable homes, resulting in poor neuro-transmittion of chemicals in the brain.

Afraid of Being Diagnosised

Who wants to have mental illness? It is almost as bad as asking who want to have cancer! Tragically, many people suffer from mental illness after they have been abused or traumatized. An excessively volatile, unstable family life can cause your brain to not develop properly. Some mental illnesses are genetic, passed down from your parent's genetic code. Other mental illnesses result from an organic malfunction in your brain and body chemicals. Symptoms may not appear until many years after the abuse/trauma initially took place making it hard to connect the symptoms to the underlying cause.

It is not necessary for you to have a diagnoses in order to begin treatment. Many people seek help from their doctor because they are struggling with ongoing bouts of depression or anxiety. When their life starts to unravel as they try to cope with everyday life, a person will go talk to a counselor (or a pastor).  Fortunately pastors, counselors, and family doctors are usually trained to recognize symptoms of mental illness and will refer you to a psychiatric doctor. Prayer is one of the best gifts you can be given at this time, encourage others to pray for you.

Most people delay making an appointment, because they want to keep the hope that their symptoms are due to a medical illness, not a mental illness. It is never easy to hear someone tell you to seek help from a psychiatric doctor. You may resent the suggestion knowing your symptoms are real and not "only in your head'. But this is an old stereotypical view of mental health, when few medications, treatments and physiological research were available. Psychiatrists are medical doctors that go to medical school just like any other doctor. In addition, they take a specialization in psychiatric medicine. These doctors learn how to care for patients with mental disorders and are aware of the most current medications. Pray to your Heavenly Father and ask Him to guide you to find the doctors He want you to have.

I am afraid to go to a Doctor

Shots! Blood! Pain! Many people are afraid to go to a doctor's office. Fears! Emotions! Trauma! No one knows the secrets you hold inside, that is no one, but God.  "Pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly" (Matthew 6:6 NKJV).  God knows your secrets.  Still it can be frightening to reveal your abuse and trauma to another, even a doctor or therapist.

Usually when you go to a family physician you are physically ill. You wait bored-stiff and staring at stacks of old magazine and, if you are lucky, the waiting room has a television tucked nicely in the corner on a station you normally don't watch. As the minutes tick away you listen up when the inner office door swings open anticipating your name being called. When you hear your name you get ushered to the room you will be sitting in for the next thirty to forty minutes.

As you settled in a chair you give the symptoms pestering you to the nurse. You eagerly answer all the questions and throw in a few extra concerns. Why are we so forthcoming with our symptoms, even those we have yet to experience? Isn't it obvious, we want the doctor to be able to make a proper diagnosis. If we hope to get better, we need the doctor to figure out what illness we have so he can prescribe the best treatment.

Going to a doctor of mental health is totally different experience.You sit in the waiting room wondering what brought the other people in for a visit. "She looks normal." "He's so young. How could he have problems?" Nobody is twitching, rocking, or sitting catatonic in the corner, so you figure you must be in the right place...just a few average people with problems effecting their life.

Who Will Bear My Burden?

When the Bible tells us to share our burdens with others, in "Carry one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2 NET Bible), it uses the word burden that has two useful definitions in the original Greek word, baros. We can have our burden carried away as a wheelbarrow can haul away things we no longer need, or we can have our burden supported as a tomato stake helps the weight of the tomato plant from falling over. God needs you to walk through your tribulation in order to turn the ashes of your life to beauty.

When you need another to help bear your burden, be specific with your need. Let your dear sister-in-the-Lord know whether you need her to carry the load away to the cross or if you are seeking someone to stand with you through the time of need. This will allow her to be certain in the way she approaches prayer and assists you. Notice that I said, "sister-in-the-Lord". . . this is extremely important.

The only male assistance you can use is your spouse, sibling, or parent. It is very dangerous for a lady to place herself in the hands of a male friend, relative, or counselor when she is vulnerable. I recommend that you do not bear your heart, deeply or over a prolonged number of visits, with a male counselor or even a pastor. Many pastors are already sensitive to this and leave their door open or have a window in their office door. Satan is always seek a way he can destroy Christians, but particularly saints who are seeking healing or servants ministering to the oppressed and brokenhearted.

Finding Support When You Are Hurting

Would you buy a table with one leg or one broken leg? Could the broken leg hold up a table or support anything on its surface? Would the table be stable? Maybe you are the Charlie-Brown-type of personality always looking for the pitiful-one to select because no one else will see a purpose in its brokenness. Do you remember when Charlie Brown selected the wimpiest tree? Is that you?

So, would you really buy a table with one leg broken? And if you did, could you begin to use it right away to support anything? Think about it - even if you propped it up against a wall, it might fall over and hurt someone or it might break its single leg. I know you would not want that to happen.

Why is it so easy for us to understand that a table needs proper support, but we so often try to function in life and especially in difficult times with so little or no support? I know when you have been hurt deeply it is very hard to trust anyone. You also worry about being a burden, wasting someone's time, or not being good company. The truth is the more support you have the more stable you will be. When you are not always stable yourself, you suffer more if you try to isolate yourself and you often crush a dear friend (or spouse) if you attempt to get all the help you need from one person.

Potential people for support:

• counselor, doctor, professional therapist
• group therapy, Mom's group, internet social group (like Christian Women Take Root)
• pastor, Sunday school teacher, Bible study teacher, Community Bible Study, etc.
• friends, close neighbors, people who have gone through similar situations with healing
• family members, siblings, grandparents, parents, extended relatives
• clubs, card group, stamping/scrapbook group, exercise/yoga class, reading club
• babysitter, housekeeper, errand runner, carpools, mother's day out program, tutorials

How Can I Help?

Do you have a friend or family member that you are trying to help? Are you praying with or for a woman who has been terribly abused? Do you know a lady so depressed she is contemplating suicide, starving herself with anorexia or bulimia, or cutting herself? Are you trying to lead a friend to church on Sunday morning in hopes that she will hear a sermon that will touch her hurting soul?

Friends, family, church leaders and many well-intentioned people cross paths in life with women who have been through abuse, torment, abortion, rape, and many other horrible events that destroy the foundation of a soul. I have had my share of sincerely trying to help ladies who have a lot of problems. I am sure you have also.

About fifteen years ago I became connected to a dear lady because I prayed with her one night when she was distraught. I asked her if she wanted to have Jesus as her Lord and Savior. From that night on I became her "saintly sister" that saved her life and she felt forever indebted and bound to me by her salvation prayer. Of course, I always pointed her to Jesus, but I did come to her need and listened to her talk incessantly like a broken record about the miseries of her life.

One night at her home she took some prescription drugs while I was talking and praying with her. About thirty minutes later she was totally drugged and had fallen off the sofa onto the floor. Even though she was heavier than me, I picked her up and helped her stumble to her bed. Feeling a sense of responsibility and liability; I was unsure if I should leave her, call medics, or stay until she awoke. She clearly had an addiction problem with prescription medication and that night was the tip of the iceberg that unraveled months later.

Is Taking Medication A Sin?

An attractive twenty year old keeps cutting herself to stop the emotional pain she doesn't want to talk about.  A mom of two elementary school children runs on three hours of sleep driving her children to countless activities, keeping up with housework, and helping complete school assignments way after midnight to avoid nightmares of past abuse.  A  professional business women is neatly dressed sitting in her spotless office.  She repetitively follows her routine making sure everything is in its proper place, every lunch is at the same sandwich shop, and she continually washes her hands until they are raw and bleeding. A fifty year old mom is finally an empty nester.  Her muscles ache so much, she can't get out of bed;  she doesn't care about seeing her friends, she stops answering the phone, and is certain she is going to die of some horrible disease.

All four of these woman are very different in age, profession, circumstance, and crisis, but they all share a common thread.  They need to see a doctor to talk about getting professional medical help.

If the twenty year old had diabetes, the mom had hyperthyroidism, the business woman had high blood pressure, and the older mom had arthritis, you would expect each of these women to begin taking the proper medicine to help with her illness.  If they were your friends, you would support treatments including dietary consultation, fitness coaching, and group therapy to learn how to live with their illnesses.

I am curious...would you wonder what unconfessed sin they had committed to cause their illness?  Would you think they had weak faith in God's ability to heal their body without medication?  Would you suggest that they talk with their pastor for advice before taking any medication? My guess is you would probably not.  More than likely you would let them know you were sorry to hear about their disease and would be praying for them to recover.

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings

About seven years ago I started going to counseling, after having suicidal thoughts.  I didn't think I could go on living.  I did the best I could to be a good mother and wife, but I always seemed to disappoint my husband.  I am sure he felt the same way...that he could never please me.  

I was totally stressed out.  I had spent about sixteen hours shopping on the Friday after Thanksgiving.  Our income was tight, so over and over I questioned every single purchase I made.  I got up at four o'clock that morning to get the door buster specials, but by six o'clock that afternoon I could barely remember what I was doing and had horrible heart burn.  When I finally arrived in the back door of my home at eight that night, I felt somewhat pleased with myself.  I had bought all the gifts while staying close to my budget. 

My dear husband had one question as I crossed the threshold, "Did you put anything on the credit card?"  My heart sank.  The very last purchase I put on the credit card because I couldn't remember exactly how much I had spent and I didn't want to overdraw our checking account.  I felt like someone had shot me.  I went upstairs and cried and cried.  I didn't know how I could continue living under such pressure and constant failure.

After a few months of counseling, the therapist was uncovering the fact that I really had no feelings.  I was numb.  We talked about a situation in my childhood and he asked me how I felt.  I was stumped, "Felt?...happy?...sad?  What about feelings?  Feelings?  Hmm, I have never thought about feelings."  No one had ever asked me, "How do you feel?" 

"Can you give me a suggestion of what you mean by feelings?  I can't think of any?" I asked the therapist.  I will never forget that he handed me a picture chart with twenty-four different cartoon-like faces and under each face was the name of a feeling.  I was really glad to see the faces above the words because it helped me in the following months to identify what my feelings were in any given situation or memory.

Born To Die!

Born To Die!  That's encouraging?!  We all want to start off January with happy thoughts and goals.  The holidays are over and you suffered through them... well, not every minute, but certainly there were comments, feelings, and situations that could have been better avoided.  The sad truth is dysfunctional, hurting families tend to hurt each other when they gather and this can be why holidays are so hard. 

The hustle and bustle of Christmas is over.  It is January.  You have a whole entire year to think about Christmas again.  The gifts are given, the cards are tucked away, and the decorations are boxed up for storage.  What is the point of all this?  Jesus was born over 2000 years ago.  So what does that have to do with you?  Why the big celebration?  Honestly, everyone knows Jesus gets pushed out of our thoughts and we really are focused on the gifts, food, and parties.  What is the point of going through the motions?

 The point is Jesus was born to die!  Oh, that sounds real comforting.  I bet you haven't sang any Christmas carol with such a jolly jingle..."Jesus was born to die"!

I have read about and listened to many abused and traumatized people.  I understand their pain is often so severe it is numbing.  That is why 'cutting' does not  hurt or drinking and taking drugs doesn't seem like such a bad idea.  Hurting yourself physically seems to ease the emotional pain and even seems to bring relief.  Frankly, it can make you feel like you have some control in life.  What happen to you was horrible!  It should have never been done to you.  You didn't deserve to be treated like yesterday's trash. 

4 Steps to Finding a Great Counselor

So, we are in the first week of January 2009; it is time for considering what type of year you would like to have.  I want you to know that you have some control over the outcome of 2009.  You can make plans and take steps toward healing from the abuse and trauma that you endured.

When you want to heal, you will need help from someone that loves God and knows how to apply his truth to your wounds.  Finding a counselor, a person who will give you hope to heal, is like finding a piece of gold when you are panning in a running stream.  I am going to be honest with you.  Matter of fact, truth is the foundation of our Christian faith, so I hope to always be honest with you when I write.  There is a wide variety of counselors; be warned! 

Just because someone calls themselves a "Christian" counselor doesn't mean they counsel according to Biblical Truth, and using a church staff counselor doesn't guarantee that you have found a precious, godly counselor either.  Many people can be sincere, and want to help, but at the same time may not be equipped by God with experience, wisdom, knowledge, or Spirit-filled discernment.

I have seen many different counselors in my 45 years, and so have my friends and siblings.  Few counselors have been helpful or good, in a permanent, healing way. 

At this point, you might be wondering if I am just sharing doom and gloom or if I have good news.  I want to assure you, I have good news.  Great therapist/counselors are in practice and can be found!  God has called many dear Christians to heal the sick and to free the oppressed. Isaiah 60:1: says, "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is on Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and freedom to the prisoners." When you feel God asking you to seek wise counsel, I want you to be equipped to find a counselor that will help you heal, instead of harm you or waste your time and money.

Have you had a Close Encounter?

Christmas 2008 is over, but it is still time to celebrate Christ!  I know when you are hurting it is hard to celebrate, especially if you have experienced new abuse or trauma from holiday gatherings, but I want to encourage you to change your inner focus. 

The wise man came after Jesus' birth seeking the new King who was prophesied by Micah (in the Book of Micah 5:2) "But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are not the least among the rulers of Judah; For out of you shall come a Ruler who will shepherd my people Israel."  The wise men saw His star in the East and followed it to come to worship Him as King!

Who are you following?  Who do you worship?  2009 is about to begin.  Who is making the decisions for your life?  What are your plans for this new year?  

Worship involves surrender and sacrifice.  Romans 12:1 "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service."  When you have a 'close encounter' with Jesus, your life is going to be forever different. (Note: It will be different, but hurting memories will not be immediately erased).  Every living person has faith in someone/something, and also worships the object of her faith.  Who are you going to bow to this new year?

Intro: Abuse & Trauma; Hope & Healing

Dysfunctional families are more common than most are willing to admit.  The hurt and trauma from child abuse, neglect, rape/incest, divorce, and addictions leave a soul shattered in pain.  Satan has a plan to see your families godly seed destroyed, but God wants you to have hope for healing and to provide practical help you need to stop the cycle of abuse. The abuse can stop here, and healing can begin.  Run into the arms of Jehovah-Rapha, The Lord Who Heals.  He wants to redeem the years that the locus have stolen and to show you how to apply His Word – the Balm of Gilead to your pain.

By, Lindy Abbott

Column Posted Every First & Third Tuesday each Month

Group Meets over at Christian Women Take Root HERE.

Can I Be Healed?

Just yesterday I spoke with a dear friend, Beth. "Do you have time to talk?" "Sure, I am home alone and have nothing to do. What do you need?" began our conversation.

Beth had called me 4 days in a row.  Each day, she sounded very low, like she has been crying. She told me she just wanted to hear my voice. Yesterday when she called, I was on my way to Target so I told her I would buy her one of those cards that I could tape a message and give it to her, that way each time she needed to hear my voice she could push the button. Beth assured me it would not be the same.

Day after day, I listened and encouraged her for about 5-10 minutes. She didn't feel she needed to share any details. Beth thought I may guess the person she was struggling with and didn't want to be talking about another. I appreciated that and told her I could still listen and encourage without knowing details or name.

Yesterdays call was different. When she called, she was ready to share....matter of fact, she was desperate. "I don't think I am going to make it," she stated repeatedly. "I don't think God can heal me. I am not going to make it."

I assured her with Truth. "Of course, God can heal you. His name is Jehovah-Rapha, the Lord who heals. Healing is what He does. It is His character to heal."

Gradually, she shared details of a difficult relationship. She gave no names and she didn't need to... before she started in deeply I shared with her that God has given me a wonderful gift. "I don't remember what people tell me. I have been told all kinds of deep secrets and I simply forget them. Not in an uncaring way, but in a way that I do not attached it to them. When the conversation is over the details are gone." This is such a blessing to be able to see people as they are today, not as they were before.