Take Root and Write

Food: Friend or Foe?

Two women wrote and edited articles for a health magazine. One treated food like a friend, the other like a foe, even an idol. Making food an idol -- something that usurps God's authority in a person's life -- gobbles peace. Thankfully, God gives a solution to you and the Christian women you care about.   

Let's meet the two editors.

Bonnie stood pretzel stick thin. She chomped only fruit before noon, and every day after work she headed to an athletic club for intense aerobics plus thirty minutes of crunches. Once back at her apartment she inhaled a quick dinner, straddled her stationary bike, and pedaled for an hour while watching TV.

Unlike Bonnie, Carol looked like Marilyn Monroe; curvy and a little jiggly, but no one would call her fat. She walked for exercise when she had time. Divorced and the mom of two grade school kids, she blabbered about losing ten or fifteen pounds but didn't diet.

Years before, Carol hid a secret of emotional eating. Now under less stress, she occasionally spooned a pint of ice cream at a sitting, but no longer binged on cookies and cake.

Which woman has the healthier relationship with food? Do you choose Bonnie or Carol?

What Gets You out of Bed?

Do you have a burden for single women? How about troubled teens? Are you energized to open your home to others and make them feel welcome? Do you like comforting folks by bringing them meals or sending them cards?

God wired each of us for a purpose. I'm wired to encourage hurting Christian women find hope. Do you know how you're wired? Do you know your heart's passion?

In other words, what gets you out of bed other than the need for a caffeine fix? Do you know? What about your Christian friends, who may be struggling emotionally, financially or physically? Do they know their God-given purpose? Their unique fit?

If not, then you need to find out and so do they.

Often we Christian women balk at the notion God has a special purpose for us. We think we're just moms, or just wives, or just this or just that. Rather than embracing the blessing that God lavishes us with His love, we mutter, "Pish posh." Have you been there? I have.

Decades ago as life's dark side of depression strangled me -- yes, I was a Christian at the time -- I didn't think I had anything to give or even had worth. As I grabbed onto God's hand and as He pulled me from the pit, He taught me many truths, one being "you matter."

How to Develop a Kid with Character

 
To develop a kid with character, a mom needs to shepherd the child's heart. Television, the Internet, and magazines push happiness and success. But is this God's emphasis?

The Bible says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"(Proverbs 4:23, NIV).

Your child's heart is God's concern. When we moms -- including the moms you encourage -- miss the heart and we  sometimes zero in on the "what" of the behavior rather than the "why." The "why" matters most.

The heart refers to the inner person, who your child really is. From the heart flows behavior. When you focus on the heart you affect behavior.

To accomplish this, you, as the mom, need to avoid two extremes while shepherding your child's heart: a crass Rambo authoritarianism or toward being a wimp. Instead, choose to be authoritative.

An authoritative mom:

-- disciplines the child lovingly and consistently.

-- holds the child accountable.

-- expects the best.

God, Who Am I?

 
Staring in the mirror, my 14-year-old eyes spoke the question of my soul: Who am I? I really wanted to know. Knowing one's true identity is crucial in finding contentment for anyone, no matter her age. But, identity is especially important to a gangly eighth-grader; a highly sensitive, gangly eighth-grader.

Was I "spacey" like the mean girls said? No. I wasn't spacey. My name regularly appeared on the honor roll, disproving their moniker for me.

Insecure, yes. Spacey, no.

Later that year, when my dad spent more than a month in the psych ward and his diagnosis of manic-depression darkened my thoughts, I feared that I too might be or might become mentally ill. Like father, like daughter? Did his problem determine my identity?

No.

Anxious, yes. A manic-depressive (now known as bi-polar illness), no.

The Pitfall of Self Neglect

We women often fall into a dangerous trap as we reach out to help others. Call it the pitfall of self neglect.

It may seem holy and right to neglect your own needs as you care for others, but is it?

The Scripture known as the Great Commandment presupposes that you love yourself. Let's listen to a conversation between Jesus and an expert in the Mosaic law.

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher, he asked, What must I do to inherit eternal life?

"What is written in the Law? he replied. "How do you read it?"

He answered, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

"You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live." (Luke 10:25-28 NIV)

Love your neighbor as yourself -- this imperative has a curious phrase at the end: "as yourself." It suggests that you ought to care for, protect, preserve, and nurture yourself. It is a healthy love

So Long, Shame!

Shame hurts. It is the belief that you are inherently defective. You feel "less" than others, worthless, bad. Does this definition fit you? Does it describe a friend or a family member?

You can say, "So long, shame! I'm no longer playing Twister with you!" You can choose to believe you are who God says you are: blessed, chosen, forgiven, a saint.

Shame differs greatly from guilt. Shame is feeling bad for who you are; guilt is feeling bad for what you do or have done. This is a huge difference.

Here's a word picture. Let's say you pocketed a lipstick. Nagging guilt twists and turns your insides until you cry "Uncle." You wisely decide to write the store manager, confessing up to your theft. You also include money to cover the item's cost, apologize, and hope she doesn't call the police.

You feel free from guilt, from what you did, and feel like doing a happy-dance. Phew!

Knocking down shame is as easy as killing Goliath -- not easy, but with God's help, a sure thing.

So Long, Envy! Good Riddance!

Just as Eve covered up with strategically placed fig leaves after eating the forbidden, you and I (and your hurting friend) cover up too. It's time to drop the fig leaves, girls, and slip into a new wardrobe.

Aristotle said, "Envy is pain at the good fortune of others." It's a nasty, flesh-eating emotion in which one person -- the envier -- desires a possession or trait possessed by another person.

Have you envied? I have.

Chances are your hurting friend has envied too. Here at Counselors' Coach, I give you ideas and insights that help you help others. As you may know I am a biblical counselor who stays atop of the trends; namely e-counseling.

Among today's most insidious evils is discontent. It goes hand in hand with envy. Let's consider three questions:

1. Why do we Christian women envy, especially when it just makes us cranky?

2. How do we stop envying?

3. Once we drop our green-with-envy bikini, what new piece of clothing takes its place?

Stop Go-Go-Going and REST!

Rest...Everyone needs it. I certainly do! I tend to just keep going like the Energizer Bunny and then pay for my poor choice: a stress headache that turns into a pity party, or negative thinking that spouts stay-away-before-I-blow behavior.

Even you need rest. So does your hurting Christian friend. Here at Counselors' Coach you discover how to help her find real hope in practical ways.

Jesus told his motley crew of twelve and the gathering crowd, eager for a healing:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28,29, NIV)

This is a picture of a soul at rest because it submits to the authority of the One who knows best. No fretting. No whining. No worries. In place of negativity, you are content, satisfied, and rested.

Prayer Walk the Scriptures and Heal

 

Have you ever had days when things just seemed to go wrong? Maybe your husband's boss reduced his work hours or your daughter failed her geometry test and felt stupid. Perhaps the baseball coach benched your son for arguing with him or your elderly Dad called to complain nonstop about his arthritis. Maybe the computer crashed and Kitty barfed on the carpet again! Maybe all of the above occurred in the same week...same day...same hour.   

On those days was it hard to find peace? Perhaps I could offer a solution:  Prayer-walk a Scripture.

As I prayer-walk a Scripture, I connect deeply with God. Prayer-walking is like it sounds. You pray, walk, and meditate on a particular Scripture. The result is an amazing peace, even on bad days. Especially on bad days.

Here at Counselor's Coach, you discover how to help a hurting friend find hope and healing.

Your hurting friend may be tired, physically and spiritually. She may tell herself that she's "not good enough," a belief held tight since childhood. She still feels rotten no matter how many Bible studies she attends, homeless people she serves at the shelter, or Bible verses she memorizes.

You want to share something practical for her to try. The last thing you desire is to add to her to-do list. She already has a list a mile long. She has become the proverbial human do-ing rather than a human being.

Thank You! Gratitude Heals

  

The other day I read in Luke 17 the true story of the ten lepers whom Jesus healed -- from sores and blisters, missing digits and, even worse I think, alienation, to wholeness. Complete wholeness of body. 

One -- only one -- of the lepers returned to thank him.

Why didn't the others?
As I've counseled Christian women, I've made the age-old observation: Hurting people hurt. As you may have surmised, hurting people -- in part because they hurt -- withhold words of gratitude. I don't think this is purposeful. It is another sign of their pain: looking inward.

Here are Counselors' Coach, you'll continue to discover ways to comfort your hurting Christian friend and minister to her. You'll know she's getting better when she shows an attitude of gratitude.

She is no longer a living example of the beaten man whom the Good Samaritan hoisted on his donkey and brought to an inn, where he bandaged his wounds and paid for is stay (Luke 10:30-35). Now she is encouraging others. She is becoming a comforter, just as God said.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

God Protects. . .Honest

In a world where earthquakes crush tens of thousands under piles of rubble, where pilots purposely fly into buildings in the name of Allah, where sick people hurt little girls, God protects.

God protects. He is good. He is in control.

Even when bad things happen. Do you believe this? Does your hurting Christian friend wrap herself in this truth?

Here at Counselors' Coach, as you discover ways to encourage others, you receive encouragement too.

In tough times, suffering and evil give rise to questions like, If God is good and in control, why does He allow pain? Theologians have looked at this question every which way like a Rubicks cube. Among them is Randy Alcorn, whose latest book is If God Is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil (Multnomah, 2009).

Core to this book and similar ones, most importantly the Bible, is this truth that begs belief: God is who He says He is.

God says He is good. God says He is in control. As you stand at the freshly dug grave of a loved one, do you believe him?

Married But Oh-So Lonely

 
Does your friend feel alone in her marriage? Does she ache for care, communication, and caresses from her husband? Has she wondered, "God, why? Why am I in a lonely marriage in which thoughts and feelings of worthlessness bombard me?"

What about you? Are you willing to help your hurting friend in a lonely marriage? I hope so. God commands us to help "one another."

At Counselors' Coach, I coach you to counsel Christian women in a crazy world of relational difficulties, wacky emotions (including anxiety), sadness and anger, and even addictions. If you like what you read here,I encourage you to subscribe to my blogs, Real Hurts, Real Hope and The Sisterhood of Beautiful Warriors.

Here are two true stories. Names and some details have been changed to protect privacy, and both the husbands and wives are Christians.

A Stinky Story

Jessica's husband stinks. Though in his 50s, he has bad breath that could slay a monster. He not only stinks but also is a mess; a highly educated mess:

He leaves out dishes. He misses the toilet and fails to wipe the tinkle.

What's worse, he flirts with pretty ladies right in front of her.

Show the Gospel to the Hurting

 
 
How many times have you heard, "Share the Gospel with the unsaved"? A bazillion? Now how often do you hear, "Show the Gospel to the hurting in your church, in your community, in your world?

Share spells words. Show takes action.

An example: Pulling up to a red light, Kate noticed a young man holding a homemade sign. It read, "HOMELESS. NEED FOOD. PLEASE HELP." The icy wind reddened his hands. She knew what she had to do, even though it inconvenienced her. She drove to a store, bought men's gloves and returned to the sign holder. She rolled down her window and handed them to him.

And she prayed for his mother.

Kate, too, has a grown son. Addicted to drugs. Sleeping somewhere. She couldn't warm her own child but she could show Jesus to a stranger.

Debbie Macomber shares this true story in her book One Simple Act: Discovering the Power of Generosity. A sister in Christ and bestselling fiction author, she understands. She's dyslexic and her third grade teacher told her mother, "She'll never do well in school." And she didn't.

But her love of words and her parent's encouragement, and later her husband's, gave her the boost to sign up for a writers' conference in New York. Today she has more than 100 copies of her books in print.

As many of you know I have a heart for hurting Christian women. I want them to find hope and healing, to be all who God made them to be. Some women I counsel by phone or webcam, others in person. I also have two blogs. Real Hurts, Real Hope has the tagline "offering hope to Christian women who hurt and to the people who love them." I like the last part: and to the people who love them. We each know someone who needs a hug, a prayer, a safe place to cry.

A Sex-Stained Past? How to Help Your Friend!

 
 
Midnight. A teen girl has sex with a guy she knows from school. It feels good. Not the sex -- not really -- but his attention. She loves to hear him say, "I love you," though she figures it's a lie. 

3 a.m. A 40-something woman stares at her bedroom ceiling, her husband at her side. She feels guilty about her growing attachment to a guy at work. Should she say anything?

6 a.m. Headed to work, a mother of two remembers that on this day fifteen years ago, she walked into an abortion clinic. They said it was just tissue. In her heart, she knew different.

9 a.m. She can't get the images out of her head. Images of naked men and women on her computer screen the night before. She zombie-walks to the fridge, grabs the half-full pizza box and eats. She knows she'll purge in 30 minutes.

These women (all of whom are composites of Christian women I've counseled) have sex-stained pasts and need a friend like you to come alongside and show them grace and share wisdom, given to all who ask our Almighty God. Here at Counselors' Coach, you discover how to help your hurting Christian friends and offer hope. Real hope.

When you encounter a problem you cannot handle, please mention my name to your friend. As a trained biblical counselor I have counseled women in person and over the phone. Many of the women I counsel take medication (such as antidepressants) prescribed by their doctors.

When Another Guy Is More Attentive. . .

 

. . .to your married friend than her husband is -- and she likes the attention -- should you speak up?

Let's say she has met a guy -- at work or at church; the place isn't crucial -- who seems "perfect." He listens, he smiles, He puts a protective arm around her shoulder while walking into the parking garage.
Together they share not only laughter but also deep interests: the love of jazz, for instance, Starbucks' mocha, even their faith: Christianity.

You sense she's headed toward a marriage-destroying cliff. But she insists that her guy friend is just that, a friend.

Here at Counselors' Coach you discover how to help friends who are in a mess. They may recognize their pain -- or not. God has called you to encourage, to rebuke in love, to care deeply.

So what about a friend who's flirting with an affair? Or who's already in one?

First things first, we Christian women -- whether married, single or single again through divorce or death -- must recognize and embrace how God made us: for relationship. Have you ever said to your husband, fiance or boyfriend: "Please hold me"? I have. Sometimes when life gets crazy, I need reassurance from my hubby that we'll make it, and I need a tender embrace (not sex) and chat time.

Putting my anxious thoughts into words calms me, and my connection with my husband deepens as I talk about my pain. Similarly, when my work takes an exciting turn -- like my new relationship with a publicist -- I like to share my dreams with my husband.

You Need Your Head Examined

 

Are you breathing? Do you have a pulse? If you said "yes" to either question, you need your head examined. Specifically, your thoughts. Did you know that you talk nonstop in your head?

Some thoughts are neutral. Oh, mayonnaise, where are you? Some are positive.Woohoo! I found the mayonnaise in aisle 12. Good job, Lucy.You're quite the sleuth. Some are negative. What?! A bazillion calories in a tablespoon of mayonnaise.You already have cellulite on cellulite, you fatso. Put it back. Ugh!

Thoughts are powerful. Godly thoughts lead to godly living. As a friend of a Christian woman with big or little hurts, counsel her to think well. Here at Counselors' Coach you find out how to help the people you care about. You might discover something to help you too. Why not bookmark this site now?

The Bible underlines thought power. "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7, NLT).

If you think badly about yourself or your circumstances, you will feel crummy, look crummy and act crummy. Negative, ungodly thinking translates into a negative life.

Conversely, if you think well then your emotions and actions will line up with God's plan and purpose for you: an abundant life.

Protection Guaranteed!

God is your defense in a fallen world where hurricanes wipe out cities, airplane pilots fly into building in the name of Allah, and evil men hurt little girls.

The women you come alongside need to hear that God protects. Here at Counselors' Coach you learn how to help people understand this truth. It is true even when it seems unbelievable.

How do we know God protects as bad things happen? God defines himself as love with a capital L. We read in scripture that love "always protects" (1 John 4:16, 1 Cor. 13:7).

My most amazing example of God's protection stars a hamster named, well, Hammy. A teddy bear hamster, Hammy had unusually long, beige fur, black eyes (no surprise there) and was well-loved by his five-year-old mommy: Laura, my only child at the time.

God certainly used this furrball to save our little family from a fire.

Many years ago, while I wiped kitchen counters as the sun set, an inaudible voice said to me, "Check on the hamster."

"Huh? Is this you, God?"

or am I going looney?

Then again, "Check on the hamster."

Whoa, now I'm losing it. 

I thought, "If this is God, that's a weird thing to say" and "In any case, I'd better go check on the hamster to get the voice out of my head."

Give Spiritual CPR: Care, Prayer, Repair

 

Marianne felt lonely.

On the outside all looked peachy. A great husband, two girls, vibrant and busy in an under-four-kind-of-way, a master's in education, and the good looks of Jennifer Aniston. She read her Bible daily and went to church. Inside she hurt terribly. She didn't know who to tell. 

The women at church had it all together. Or so it seemed.

If we stop and look, we each will see hurting women in our churches. These women need spiritual CPR: care, prayer and repair. Here at Counselors Coach you get ideas and support to counsel the women the Lord has put in your life. If you have a specific question, email me at Lucy@LucyAnnMoll.com.

These hurting Christian women are "sheep" who have fallen down, a "very pathetic sight," writes Philip Keller in A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23. "Lying on its back, its feet in the air, it flays away frantically struggling to stand up, without success. Sometimes it will bleat a little for help, but generally, it lies there lashing about in frightened frustration."

Who is the fallen lady sheep in your congregation?

She is the woman going through a divorce, the mom with a rebellious teen who may be deep into drugs or sleeping around or shoplifting. She's the woman whose husband is out or work or whose parents have dementia and need continual care or who past is riddled with unresolved hurts from the past. Her hurt may be abuse by a neighbor boy, an abortion, or an emotional affair with a co-worker who showed her more attention than her husband. She may be depressed or angry or afraid -- or all three.

Weep, Scream, or Punch a Pillow?

"Jesus wept." The shortest verse in the Bible (John 11:35) rains deep puddles of meaning. Just think about it: Jesus-- fully God, fully man -- wept. He cried, sobbed, gushed tears. He wept.

While counseling a hurting Christian woman, have you ever wept? I have. I'll tell you a personal story in a moment. First, I want to welcome you again to Counselors' Coach, the twice-a-month column at Take Root and Write, where you discover how to minister to women who have hurts.

The question for today's column: When is it alright, even best, to weep with a hurting woman? When should we withhold emotion? And is it ever okay to scream or punch a pillow?

Let's look at John 11, the story of the death and resurrection of Lazarus, a close friend of Jesus. 

Lazarus' sisters, Martha and Mary, sent the message to Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is sick" (John 11:3), expecting him to drop everything and come at once. They believed he'd heal him.

When one my children becomes ill at school, I go ASAP. School nurse phones and in a

nano

-second I'm in my car and backing out of the driveway.

Not Jesus. He ministers where he is at for two more days. Can you imagine the look of Peter's face or John's or any of the disciples'? My mind's eye pictures raised eyebrows, furrowed brows and glances at one another.

Come to Jesus and Rest

 

Jesus told his followers, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you willl find rest for your souls" (Matthew 11: 28,29 NIV).

Rest.

We all need it. Few of us get it. Here at Counselors' Coach, women who love on hurting Christian women in the name of Christ need rest as much as the women they counsel. Dismantling the difficulties of life zaps energy -- physical, emotional and spiritual.

So what's a girl to do? Let yourself go to the One who knows best, get cuddly and rest. No fretting. No whining. No worries. In place of negativity, you experience love.

God knows life throws rocks, even boulders, at you. Jesus said, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33, NIV).

The New King James version uses a word in place of "trouble": tribulation. And this brings me to a story, unfunny then, now I laugh.

Addiction: Hope for the Hooked

 

Natalie* stared at her half-naked body in the bathroom mirror."Ugh! I'm so fat. I hate myself," she thought. She stepped on the scale. The numbers flashed 92. At five feet four inches tall, Natalie looked as emaciated as a prisoner in a WWII concentration camp. She had all but stopped eating.

Her problem? An addiction to perfectionism.

(Starred names have been changed.)

Once her son hopped on the school bus, Karrie began to feel an adrenaline rush. Today she was going shopping! She told herself she'd buy one and only one outfit for her seven-year-old. She had made the same promise last week and broke it. "I can do it this time," Karrie pep-talked Three hours and many shopping bags later, she collapsed on her couch and cried. "You can't do anything right," she muttered.

Her problem? An addiction to shopping.

Suzanne picked up after her kids in a flurry. Ben would be home any minute, usually in a sour mood, and she didn't want to make it worse. As she scooped toys and kept an eye on dinner, negative thoughts attacked: "I do everything I can to keep him happy. I wash his clothes. Make his dinner. Keep the kids quiet. Share his bed. But does he care about us? No! All he really wants is his remote and a twelve-pack of beer. Sometimes I wish he were dead." She put another block in the toy box.

Her problem? An addiction to people-pleasing.

What is an addiction? Does it occur among Christian women? Is there hope?

Think Right, Live Right

 

Allie, a 20-something Christian woman, thinks wrongly about herself. "I don't measure up," she confided in me. "I never have." Yet God sees her as a saint, as someone who possesses every spiritual blessing in Christ now, present tense. (Ephesians 1:1,3)

She measures up in the most important way. As a believer in Christ, she has become God's child, can live victoriously, and is heaven-bound.

Insistent that she doesn't measure up, depression and anxiety stalk Allie, a pretty, accomplished young woman.

You may relate to Allie's comment. Or you may know someone who does.

Here at Counselors' Coach, you discover effective and biblical ways to help hurting women in your church, workplace and neighborhood. One of their greatest needs: To stop negative thinking and replace it with God's truth. When negative thinking halts, so do negative emotions and ungodly behaviors.

This is how it works.

Let's say I think, "I'm a horrible mother." What's my likely resulting emotion?

Probably I'll feel anger or frustation, sadness or fear, or self-pity. However, I may feel nothing at all.

Now what's my likely behavior? Many possiblities exist.

Are YOU Called to Counsel?

The short answer: yes.

God calls every believer to encourage one another, rebuke one another, love one another, forgive one another, and so on. These "one another" verses sprinkle instruction all over the New Testament. As you follow them, you will reach out to a friend in pain and come alongside her, giving comfort and loving correction if needed.

So Counselors' Coach is for you even if you do not have a specific call to counsel. Here you discover how to counsel Christian women facing tough stuff: painful pasts, depression, fear, difficult relationships, loneliness and more.

Some of you have the spiritual gifting of exhortation/mercy/shepherding, and our Lord has specifically called you to help hurting women find hope and healing. This is a glimpse of how God made known to me my call to biblically counsel Christian women.

Down block, step punch, look to the right for my enemy, down block, step punch, look to the left for my enemy, step punch -- punch -- punch -- HIIIIIYAH!

Ironic, isn't it? My call to biblically counsel hurting Christian women came smack in the middle of practicing a kata (pronounced KAH-tah), a choreographed set of kicks, steps, blocks and punches in karate. In my backyard -- lilacs to my left, marigolds to my right -- I sensed in my heart: "Lucy, as I have healed you, comfort others in my power."

Whoa.

Do You Love Too Well?

Reaching out to a hurting Christian friend has its dangers. The biggie: that we who counsel may help too much and thus diss our hurting friend by doing for her what she can do for herself. This is a vital topic at Counselors' Coach, the column at Take Root and Write where you are encouraged and equipped to counsel biblically.

Back to the biggie: Too much help that, in fact, disses the woman you want to help.

Let me draw a picture.

This morning my able-bodied son groaned when I told him it was time to get dressed.

"Mom, can't you help me?"

"Your pants are right there, John."

"Help me put them on." Another groan, or was it a moan?

"You're 10 years old. Ten-year-old boys dress themselves." I left the room. Within a few minutes, he bounded down the steps and into the kitchen. Pants on. Shirt on. Socks on. And, I presume, boxers on too.

Promiscuity: Out of Movies, Into Your Church

This is the second part of a two-part series on promiscuity and its resulting pain. You may read part one HERE. 

In her mid-twenties, Naomi (a composite of women I have counseled biblically over the years) was ready to marry, in one sense but not another. She desired a Christian guy to love and cherish her all the days of her life but she had barely a clue that a godly relationship looks like.

Her teen years, from junior high through high school, read like a Harlequin. As long as she liked the guy, they concluded the date in bed. Most of her friends did the same thing.

Why the rampant promiscuity? What's the cost? Here at Counselors' Coach, you learn how to help your hurting friends. And nowadays a major pain for many Christian women results from promiscuity, or sexually immorality.

As Naomi and I talked, I learned she had never had a godly relationship with a man. Her dad was an alcoholic and emotionally unavailable. Her parents divorced. Her grandfather touched her inappropriately. She avoided him. When she became a teen, she looked to guys her age for affirmation.

She liked the attention, the sweet words, the cuddles. To get what she wanted, she gave the guys what they wanted.

Gotta Secret?

 

SWEET SISTERS, I promised Part 2 of "Promiscuity: Out of the Movies and into the Church" this week; it is postponed until next time. God placed this on my heart to share now.

Do you remember when you were a girl on the school playground? The secrets fluttered about like butterflies. Some seemed harmless.

"Hey, Suzie, guess which boy in class likes you?"

"Who?'

"I'm not suppose to tell you. It's a secret." The friend looks over her shoulder and whispers in Suzie's ear. 

"Really? He's cute."

The ones later in life can rip a hole in your soul.

"Terri, you'll never guess who got so drunk she did it with lots of guys at Sam's party?"

"Who?"

"I really shouldn't tell you. She wouldn't want you to know."

"C'mon, who?"

"Your sister." Terri's eyes shined with tears. Another secret to keep. Uggh!

FAST FORWARD ANOTHER TEN YEARS.

Promiscuity: Out of Movies, Into Your Church

 

This is the first part in a two-part series on promiscuity and the resulting pain.

You've heard the sick-to-your-stomach stats on promiscuity. But do you know how to help a women in your church who has had many sexual partners before age 25? And who may have become sexually active in junior high? Or earlier?

Do you recognize the destructive behaviors that result, at least in part, from promiscuity?

Do you know what to say? What not to say? Do you know how to listen? How to guide her? How to recognize her root sin and deal with it?

What you have seen in movies -- and movie trailers, and prime time TV, and daytime TV, and DVDs, and video games, and billboards -- is in your church. Don't misunderstand me; I'm not saying your pastor is having an affair, but what I am saying is that many seats in your worship center are occupied by folks who carry pain caused by sexual sin.

Are you surprised? Don't be. The Bible predicted increasing perversity.

Burdened? Lose the Weight!

When you or your hurting friend allow burdens of everyday life to weigh you down, pounds of stress pack on your soul. Joy flits away. So does peace of mind. You feel as crummy as a smashed Oreo cookie.

Years ago I thought that life -- as long as I did things reasonably well -- would be a breeze (or should be!). Ha! I learned the hard way that life happens.You know, when stuff gets tough:

    a flat tire and no spare (anger),
    a sick kid at 2 a.m. (fear),
    a flooded basement (frustration),
    a loss of a friendship (sadness),
    a new Audi in your neighbor’s driveway (jealousy)!

None of us can choose our circumstances, but you can help your hurting friend choose her attitude. The same goes for you and me. It is not easy.

So often we women put on the weight of guilt, comparison and — yes — self-rejection, even though we are daughters of the King. Do you relate? Does your friend? On the upside, hope for losing the weight of over-burdened women like us is just one godly thought away.

 

What Not to Do

When my husband and I adopted our first child — she’s now 19-years old and in college — we were beyond excited. We pictured a happy baby who sometimes pooped, occasionally cried, and always wanted snuggles. And for the first three weeks of her little life, Laura did just that.

Then, on infamous "Day 22", Laura has not a happy baby, and Steve and I were not happy parents. Laura had colic. But, we didn’t know that at first. When she screamed (out of nowhere!) Steve glared at me and gave me advice. (Aren’t guys good at that!) He said I might be holding her wrong or giving her too much milk, or too little, or providing her too much stimulation or not enough. I just thought I was a bad mother.

God, Why Do You Allow Suffering?

When you help a hurting woman, this question eventually arises: Why does God allow suffering?

If you too have puzzled over this question – and don’t care for simplistic answers – you’ll appreciate the honest way that the Old Testament book named Job considers God’s mysterious ways.

It tells the story of a godly man who endured unimaginable pain and loss. First, Job’s donkeys, camels, sheep and oxen die. Then his servants. Then his children. A short time later, painful sores cover Job from the soles of his feet to the top of his head, and his wife snarls: “Curse God and die!”

Ouch! Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is – NOT! When you think it cannot get any worse, his friends -- and I use the term loosely – verbally abuse him. They are certain he must have committed some terrible wrong for God to punish him.

Have you experienced something similar? What about your hurting friends? Or has she endured one hardship after another? Have you ever asked God, Why me? Why her? The author of the book of Job conveys several key concepts, which were true then and still are true today.

God is sovereign. In 1:6‐12 and 2:1‐6, when Satan questions God regarding Job’s integrity (after God points him out as a blameless, upright and reverent), God calls the shots. He tells Satan what he may and may not do. Satan has no power except for that which God allows. Satan is evil. Satan licks his lips with any chance to discredit God – as if this were possible – by inciting Job to curse God. Satan desires a throne above God’s.

Facing Fear with Faith

 

A serpent slithered to Eve, eyeing her with intent to kill.

Did she scream? Run? Choke out “Help me, Adam”? Not Eve. She and the serpent chatted up storm that crashed into her world...and yours. She disobeyed God; so did Adam. Their sinful choice was the prelude to a horrid consequence. Fear debuted and it has had center stage ever since. Is this how the drama ends? No, thank God.

Fear. It’s a quirky emotion. It has its protective side. A pitbull charges and you wisely hurdle a fence like a world‐class Olympian. Fear also has its scary sides. It may stalk you, steal your peace, and imprison you. This is bad fear, sinful fear.

The same goes for the hurting Christian woman that you've befriended.

How does she respond to sinful fear? Does she hide in her work or shop until she drops another grand? Does she shut down, blow up, or freak out? When a person responds poorly to life's circumstances, fear can take control. But, if she trusts God as her one true protector, she can face her fear courageously.

Ironic, isn’t it? God can use sinful fear for good.

A Healthy Fear

Do you know that God commands us to fear? “Fear the LORD your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name" (Deuteronomy 6:13, NIV).

Why Folks Do What They Do

 

Why does Lisa lie? Or Wanda worry? Or Brianna behave bizarrely?

Let's see what the Bible says. It speaks directly to the reasons why women hurt. As I mentioned in previous posts, your hurting friend should see a medical doctor to discern whether her difficulties have a physical cause.

In no particular order, here are some examples:

Fear. Women (or guys, for that matter) who struggle with fear may fail to understand God's love or lack love for others. 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (NIV, here and below). Since fear is caused by selfishness, it diminishes when the fearful person spends more time thinking about and serving others.

Lying. Those ruled by fear often lie. They may fear rejection or failure or being hurt. To help a friend who lies, ask her lovingly yet directly about the fears she has. When her fears are alleviated, she may stop lying. In Genesis 12:11-19, Abram lied, telling the Egyptians that the beautiful Sarai was his sister, not his wife. Even though God had promised to bless him with offspring through Sarai, he feared that Pharoah would kill him and allowed the ruler to take her to his palace.

Instability. James 1:8 says, "He is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." Double-mindedness -- the characteristic of someone who says she follows Christ but allows something else to have priority -- naturally lead to instability. Her focus is split. Indecision is her constant companion. As her friend, help her understand the cause of her problem and discover her need to serve God only.

A Skewed Image of God and Self?

 

Our deepest need is to belong, to be in relationship, to have a spiritual and emotional "home." What happens when someone grows up in an unhealthy home, where she was unloved, neglected or abused? She almost always develops a skewed image of God and herself.

As the friend of a hurting Christian woman, you need to help her change her view according scriptural truth.The Bible says, “Do not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect” (Romans 12:2, NIV).

The best place of renewal: Scripture. It is the sword of the Spirit.

Here are Scriptural truths, based on bible verses. Use them to help your friend renew her mind.

I Am Accepted in Christ

I am God’s child. (John 1:12)

I am Christ’s friend. (John 15:15)

I have been justified. (Romans 5:1)

I am united with the Lord and am one with Him in spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:17)

What to Say After an Abortion

 

Ellen sobbed. Her voice cracked as she tried to put together a sentence: "I don't think even God could forgive me."

It had been many long years of numbed pain before she broke her silence of her abortion at age eighteen. At least I truly hope she did. Women who have had abortions are in desperate need of healing.

You see, a few decades ago I helped Ellen get her abortion, sort of. I feel bad I didn't say anything back then, that I didn't talk her out of it, and that I supported her. Ellen, our best friend Sue, and I were inseparable during our last two years of high school; except when Ellen was with her boyfriend.

She became pregnant and told Sue and Sue told me. I advised Sue to buy a pregnancy test for her and, when Ellen's suspicions  were confirmed, to call the Better Business Bureau and check out the abortion clinic so Ellen would be OK. Since Ellen never told me about her pregnancy, I believed the lie that I ought to respect her choice and her privacy, and say nothing.

Ellen thought she was doing the right thing. She had plans to go to college and start a career then a family. Her boyfriend didn't want to get married. Neither did she. The women at Planned Parenthood told her that her unborn baby was a blob of tissue. Nothing more. 

They were wrong. She was wrong. So was I.

My silence was deafening.

Worship God Alone? How?

 

How do you, a friend of a Christian woman who hurts, help her toss the sin of idolatry in the trash and worship God alone?

The answer may surprise you:

1. Get right with God. Yes, you. In other words, look at yourself and repent of your sins.

2. Pray continually. For her, you, your family. . .even President Barack Obama, and anyone or anything else God brings to your mind.

3. Spend time in the Word. Listen well.

4. Respect your husband if you're married.

5. Put your family before ministry and work.

Once your spiritual life is in order, then you can effectively help your friend who hurts. What if you forget to pray or blow off Bible study for a few days? What if you sneak in an hour of planning a church outing rather than spending the time with your kids? What if you snarl at the mister? What if you covet your neighbor's Audi?

It's a cliche but get up and dust yourself off. Go to God and have a one-to-one.

Your enemy would like nothing better than to eat you for lunch. Remember, he's the roaring lion looking for someone to devour. We who help hurting Christian women might seem especially yummy. You see, by cooperating with God, we're interfering with the enemy's strategy to immobilize the saints.

Welcome to the front lines of the very real spiritual battle that wages all around us.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12)

So how? How do you help your hurting friend put God first in her life? Start with your own.

Idol Worship! Who? Me?

 

Idols are anything we worship in place of God. They receive our attention. They demand our love, and we give it. . .freely.

Why do Christian women fall into idol worship? How does it harm us? This is important for us women who help other Christian women to understand.

Consider this real-life example. (The name and some details have been changed.)

Linda deeply desires that her Christian husband stop binge-drinking. Her problem? She thinks that if she acts sweet (by picking up the toys before he returns home from work and by making nice dinners, for example), then he'd have to do what she wants. When he goes out at night, she worries. She pouts and pleads. Still, about once a month, he pounds down a twelve-pack of beer. She feels like a failure.

Her idol? The thought, "I must have a godly and sober husband, or I won't be happy."

Please don't misunderstand. There's nothing wrong with wanting a husband to stop drinking. However, in Linda's case, she is most concerned about herself and her happiness.

How do you tell if the woman you counsel is worshiping God or an idol?

Three Things a Counselor Must Know

How do you help a Christian woman stop sinful patterns that have made her an emotional mess?

Here are three basics under girding biblical counseling. While these basics are laid out nice and neat, biblical counseling is anything but. It is more like a roller-coaster ride. So buckle your seat belts and hang onto Jesus, sister!

The first basic: In biblical counseling, the counselor must confront the counselee to effect personality and behavioral change. (Confront? Did I just say confront?) Yes, I know that we women dislike confrontation. It's not comfortable. It hurts. Are you still strapped in? Good.

A key Scripture: "Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you as you teach and admonish one another, with all wisdom" (Colossians 3:16). Zoom in on "admonish." This word in the Greek has more than one fundamental meaning making it difficult to translate. One Bible scholar prefers "to put sense into." I like that description.

So "to put sense into" the counselee, you first presuppose that she has a sin problem that God wants to change. He always encourages us to take off old self (our evil thoughts, words and actions) and put on the new. As a new creation in Christ we each have the power to change. This includes your counselee, no matter where she has been or what she has done. There's hope.

A Wrong Way to Counsel?

I may step on toes, but I have to say it:

Modern psychology counsels the wrong way. Almost all Christian psychotherapists and psychologists who learned their trade in our universities and Bible colleges counsel the wrong way.

Why? Though well-intentioned, they learned a philosophy grounded on the writings of Sigmund Freud, an atheist, who is the father of modern psychology. This philosophy is worldly. It rejects God.

Former psychologist Richard Ganz wrote: "Clinical psychology comes to no consensus in its view of human beings--with one critical exception. It is unified in its belief that people are free from God."

Ouch!

What does this mean to you and to me, Christian women who want to help other women who have emotional and spiritual hurts?

It means we need to embrace biblical counseling. Biblical counseling gives women a vision that the church (the people who make up the body of Christ) makes a significant and lasting difference in the lives of others. To counsel effectively, we women (and men) use the Word and methods described in Scripture.

Years ago, when I ached for answers for my own emotional distress, I did the right thing the wrong way. 

What I did right: I reached out for help from a Christian counselor.

What I did wrong: This Christian counselor wasn't a biblical counselor, and I allowed myself to become "captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ" (Colossians 2:8).

And while I've paid for my mistake -- you'll read about it in coming posts -- God is good. He now is using what I learned to encourage and equip other women to counsel biblically.

Intro: Counselors' Coach

Do you want to help a friend who's hurting emotionally or spiritually but you don't know how? Counsel them using the best answer book: the Bible. Biblical counselor Lucy Ann Moll coaches you to offer true hope to Christian women who hurt. These women sit in every church with broken hearts looking from someone to care. Will you?

By, Lucy Ann Moll

Column Posted Every Thursday