Take Root and Write

Stay in Position

I was talking with my husband about a conversation he had at work. He said that it got so involved that he and the other person had to pull out the Bible. I thought that was a good thing! Bible study on the job is awesome and what a great opportunity to share Christ.  However, as my husband continued, he mentioned that the discussion centered on Adam and Eve and the events leading up the fall of man.

He began asking me questions that really got me to thinking. We opened the Bible and together began seeking answers. Some were obvious and others were not. Nevertheless, I noticed something that gave birth to this article. In Genesis 3:1-7, there is an account of Eve having a conversation with the serpent at the tree. As I read that over again, I considered that as women, we must stay in our position.

Since the beginning of time, many have debated who was at fault for man's downfall. Despite a biblical account, the debate continues. I concluded that both were at fault. Eve, however for a different reason. Scripture implies that she was at the tree talking with the serpent. I immediately thought: Why was Eve at the tree? Why was she not fulfilling her duties as wife and mother? Could it be that she had too much free time to be conversing with the enemy? (An idol mind is the devil's workshop.)

Striving for Oneness

A few days ago I took time to reflect on my marriage; the good and the bad. This helped me realize that God is with me and present in my marriage. Another revelation struck me: a good marriage is doable, but only if one desires mediocrity. But, an excellent marriage is obtainable with effort and sacrifice. So, what do we want? . . . good or excellent.

My marriage is no where near perfect, and there have been times it felt like I was riding a never-ending roller coaster and holding on for dear life. My marriage, and maybe yours, has bounced over many bumps and endured a lot of bruises. But as God gives me strength, and I continue to strive for oneness.

Achieving anything worthwhile in life is not easy. As women, we are always looking to lose those last five pounds, but find it hard to run that extra mile every week. We want to save money, but find ourselves in the mall because some store entices us with a huge, one-of-a-kind sale.

There is always something keeping us from reaching our desired goals. Being married is no different. At times, we've all struggled to create a great marriage, but the enemy lurks and seeks to destroy what we are trying to build.

The Grass Is Not Always Greener

A few weeks ago, my husband and I began planning our family vacation. We discussed several fun places to visit. After contemplating for a week, we agreed to return to our hometown. As part of our plans, we scheduled activities for the family, for kids, and for adults only.

We booked reservations at a hotel we like and mapped out some of our favorite restaurants. Things were falling into place and the dayof our departure was rapidly approaching; we were ready to enjoy time with our friends and family back home.

However, the day before we were to leave, my excited anticipation was usurped by sadness, misunderstanding, and anger. As our departure approached, little bothersome things opened the door for the devil to manipulate me. Thankfully in my quiet time, God allowed me to see that the grass is not always greener on the other side. If I water mine, it will be green too.

Pray for Your Husband

Several weeks ago, I was driving home on a long, curvy road that was as boring as a physics lecture oozing from the lips of monotone college professor. I began talking with God because it always helps time pass. During this time of communing, He spoke to me using a terrible tornado that had passed through my town a few days ago as His starting point.

The sight of uprooted trees and damaged homes startled me as I navigated the winding road through the countryside. Debris was strewn in yards, fences were broken in half, and several houses stood apart from their foundations. In the midst of all this devastation God spoke to me about my marriage. He reminded me of the terrible storm that blew through my relationship.

The strong gusty winds of fear, anger and depression uprooted the covenant I shared with my husband. Like the houses separated from their foundations, my spouse and I experienced a similar disconnect. God showed me that sometimes things need to be torn down so that they can be rebuilt. It was part of His plan to use my pain to make our marital foundation stronger than before. The next step He required as part of the process required me to build a foundation by praying for my husband.

Rest

Grappling with the idea of being a stay at home mom has been perplexing. The more I attempted to  humanly understand, the more I became confused. Due to the confusion, I began to seek God on a consistent basis. season. At that point, I gave all my concerns, issues and questions over to God.

My seeking could be compared to a leaking faucet. Nonetheless, I discovered that that confusion was my fault. I simply failed to ask God what is it that He would have me to do.  In return God put it on my heart to rest. 

My finite understanding of rest was certainly eye raising. Not clear on the task,God began to illustrate. Not long ago, I was in a spiritual battle. The battle manifested through the form of adultery. The enemy pounced in and wounded me. Almost, to the point of death. My ignorance to the severity wounds, forced me to bandaged them and continue life as normal. "My people perish because of a lack of knowledge" (Hosea 4:6, KJV).

Unfortunately we as women and wives alike facade the issue of infidelity. We try to hold everything  together for the sake of appearance. We bottle up our emotions and believe for the best. We even downplay or even ignore the issue hoping the problem will work itself out. God is not in the business of leaving us in a state of chaos. "He heals the broken hearted and bounds up their wounds" (Psalms 147:3, KJV). 

Transition to Submission

My family and I recently moved to a new state that provided many adjustments. I was not to worried because change is usually good.The opportunity to meet new people, experience a more frigid climate, and walk a different career path was exciting for me. Days and months passed while my enthusiasm slowly fizzled. All that I looked forward to and dreamed about was not happening. I was unemployed and at home. Oh no, this must be a mistake. I am an educated professional with two degrees. I kept rehearsing this apparent mistake on the stage of my mind.Then after several weeks of denial, I finally accepted who I really was. A wife and mother who was in transition to submission.

During this time I heard an old cliche, "If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans". I had no doubt that I would be employed once I settled in my new state; that literally was my main focus. So to accomplish this goal, I completed several online employment applications. I also applied for jobs in person. For eight weeks I frequented the post office and pounded the pavement mailing and submitting applications! By the ninth week, I became discouraged as I danced a dance that did not yield any results. So, I decided to put my energy elsewhere.

Get Out of the Box

I was talking with a relative about attending an event when it took a turn for the worse. A million and one reasons of why I could not attend dominated the conversation. The reasons played like a broken record. The, as if struck by like bolt of lightning, my mind immediately shifted and I was reminded of how God sometimes prompts us to move from a place of comfort to the less secure. His sweet spirit in the still of that morning compelled me to step out of the box.

Transition is not always easy, however, it is required to be women of God. My marriage, which has been no bed of roses, has taught me much about transition and stepping out of my box. Thankfully we serve a God that provides the much needed grace and mercy we need to live each day anew and endure the trials that ultimately make us wiser and stronger.

God's Grace is Sufficient

Have you ever experienced a season when your faith crumbled like cake? A few weeks ago, I did. I thought the pain of past infidelity ended years ago. Unfortunately, the dangerous thoughts of divorce resurfaced. For example, my mind whispered to my heart, He doesn't deserve you, and, Move on; let him go.

These thoughts raced through my mind in a never ending contest between my flesh and my spirit. I was overwhelmed, and succumbed to the flesh. I isolated myself and rejected my husband; the pressure was unbearable. I began to pray and share my problems with my heavenly Daddy who, in time, showed me that His grace was (and always will be) sufficient.

Years ago, God led me to stay with my husband; and I did! Unfortunately, years later the suggestion of divorce crept back into my life. In my finite wisdom, I tried to ignore it. However, despite my best efforts, those thoughts tormented me. I contemplated divorce, and that allowed the spirit of pride to grab control of my life. The more Pride spoke, the more I listened. As I let this dangerous voice grow, I wallowed in my flesh and began to look at my husband with contempt and disgust. My desire to be with him faded away, and I avoided him at all cost. When I couldn't avoid him, I gave him the cold shoulder. All the time, the battle of leaving or staying raged in my mind. The enemy had a hold on me and was about to win the battle.

Let's Stay in Love

A few years ago, I was confused about whether I truly loved my husband. Painful experiences caused my love to evaporate like the dew under the rising sun. However, my commitment to stay close to God created hope, and that hope provided a calm assurance. This was the breakthrough that fortified my resolve and allowed my love for him to blossom.

When my husband and I first got married we developed a dangerous routine. We were a two-income household with the typical financial responsibilities such as mortgage, car note, and utilities, to name a few.We grew accustomed to doing our "own" thing. For example, I would wake up every weekday morning and rush to get ready for work. Then, racing against the clock, I woke the kids. After scarfing down breakfast, we zoomed through the house gathering coats and backpacks. We all ran out of the house; kids to catch the bus and me to battle rush-hour traffic.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Have you ever had a discussion with your husband that did not end the way you wanted? This happened with my husband and me several weeks ago and, taking it personally, I did not talk to him for hours.The feelings of anger and rage ate away at my spirit. I was consumed with bitterness and decided that talking about my feelings with someone was better than keeping them to myself. I called my Sunday School teacher who recounted a similar experience. She mentioned that prayer and studying God's Word was the remedy. So, after our conversation I tucked myself away in a quiet corner and prayed. Talking to God like He was sitting right next to me ushered in a soothing peace. As I poured out all my feelings to Him, the realization of how I was sweating the small stuff hit me like a brick.

The desire to have my way was more important to me than inviting peace into my marriage. The folly of sweating the small stuff clouded my ability to see the bigger picture of my relationship. My selfishness toward my husband opened the door of negative opportunity so wide, that the enemy easily entered our marriage and carried out his plan of divide and conquer.

Don't Say a Word

God has a way of giving you what you need when you need it. He never runs out. He is so full of everything that you and I do not have to want for anything. (Psalms 23:1) As God was developing in me for what was ahead, I discovered how I began to resemble Him from the inside out. I certainly could not take credit for anything. In and of myself, it was impossible to achieve the work that God was doing on the inside of me. As I allowed God to shape and mold me to His image, it became somewhat difficult. I murmured and complained. But, then I realized that I had to remain steadfast, focused and steady on the promises of God.

I was sitting at my desk and pondered on the promises that God revealed to me about my assignment and who I was. Just like the natural man, I began to try and figure things out. I looked at my current situation and I murmured that things are just not adding up. I even asked God, how are you going to do this thing? Why are you using me as an example? In the natural, I wanted all the answers immediately so much so that God was completely left out of the equation.

Has God only given you a portion of your assignment and is requiring you to act on faith to get to the next level? Well, woman of God, wherever God guides, He provides. If God has said it, it will come to pass. If God has spoken a promise over your life, you can guarantee that he will do just what he said. "God is not the Son of man that he should lie, nor the son of man that he should change his mind, Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" (Number 23:19, NIV)

Earlier I mentioned, while going through the process of being conformed to God, it became difficult. It became difficult because love was one of the "hardest" fruit of the spirit for me to carry out. My flesh was in rebellion with my spirit, thereby prohibiting me from producing the kind of love described in the Word of God as "agape." Part of the conforming process with God required me to die to self and allow the God in me to show because the life "I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me Galatians 3:20" (NIV)

I Am In Preparation for What is Ahead!

Weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning Psalm 30:5 (KJV). This was a reality for me. It was now the dawning of a new day. Almost four years has passed since the trial. The embarrassment of it all was now fading away into the distant and I was now able to open my mouth and tell my story. However, before I got to that point I realized that I had to grieve. Part of my grieving involved crying. In the words of Bishop Paul S. Morton, "my tears were just a temporary release of the pain, sorrow and grief. My tears were expressions that could not be controlled. But after while, I would not have to cry no-more."

One sunny afternoon after work and standing in the parking lot with a co-worker, she began to share a revelation that God had given her at the time. Not long after our conversation, God began to speak to me. He spoke concerning how the enemy was trying to destroy my finances, my home and my marriage. The Spirit of God led me to Psalm 37. This particular passage of scripture was my light at the end of the tunnel. Even though my tears were all dried up and God had healed me, this did not stop the devil and his pursuit of trying to attack me at any cost. It was no secret that the enemy did not want me to recover. Instead, he wanted me to stay down so he could finish me out. However, through the Spirit of God and his word, there was an evacuation route. In Psalms 37, I learned that it was required for me to not only wait on God, but wait in too. God was taking me higher in him and ultimately leading me out of the storm.

Is the enemy always on your trail? Does it seem like, every time you try to do good evil is always present? (Romans 7:21 KJV) As women of God, it is very important that we stay in step with God. It is easy to want to do things our way or try and help God. He has all things under control. Wait for God to speak to you and then move on his command.

Faithfulness - Part 2

Though raised in a traditional church, I did not understand certain activities that took place each week. For example, every first Sunday was set apart for testifying. Anyone in the congregation could speak about the goodness of God. I would watch from the pews as one mother would stand up and sing a hymn titled, "O to be kept by Jesus".

Over and over I heard that phrase. Upon the third time, the spirit of the Lord came in and filled the church like a mighty rushing wind. During the service, members would run down the aisle shouting and crying. For years I wondered about that phrase and the old mother who sang it. Through my personal trials, God has allowed me to understand the true meaning of the phrase. As a result, I gave birth to producing the "spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and faithfulness" (Galatians 5:22 NIV) on the inside.

In the natural, a seed has to go through a maturation process. When the planter plants a seed he first considers the seed and what the seed will produce. Secondly, the planter considers the soil and if the soil is conducive for growing. Then the planter considers the climate and temperature of the environment. Lastly, the planter considers the time. "As long as the earth endures, seed time and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease" (Genesis 8:22 NIV).

Faithfulness - Part 1

August 9, 1997 was a special day because I made a promise to spend the rest of my life with a man sent by God. I vowed to love, honor, and obey. I was convinced that this was a marriage made in heaven. Unfortunately, the expectations fell short and my fairy tale wedding unfolded right before my eyes; many disappointments almost cost me my marriage.

When we as women enter into the covenant of marriage, we are often naive and do not posses the attributes required to carry out the true definition of faithfulness. During the course of my struggling marriage, I did not have any women in my life who I could ask for advice.

"Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and their children" Titus 2:4 (NIV).

Unfortunately, in today's society, this type of training for women is not the status quo. I was encouraged to get an education, travel the world, and find a good job to support myself. When I entered into the marriage agreement, the basic elements needed to sustain a healthy marriage were not instilled in me. I was in love with the idea of a wedding and did not completely understand what it took to make the covenant last. My ignorance led to frustration which resulted in a desire to end the union ordained by God.  

Waiting on God's Timing

Has God ever promised you that you something but then it seems like it will never happen? Did you ever feel like you were waiting an eternity and thought God had forgotten about you? Recently while talking on the phone, the other person said, "It has been three years". We finished the conversation, but once the phone call ended, the words it has been three years rang in my spirit. I began to evaluate all that I had experienced in my struggling marriage. Through God's Word, I understood that waiting on God's timing was a requirement if I was to receive His promise.  

One morning about 2 a.m., I heard a small voice, "It is a test". I did not understand what was going on, so I ignored it. "It is a test", whispered the voice once again. After realizing it was the Spirit, I got up and began to scribble down the message that God was revealing to me. The key part of the message was that I would pass the test.

Walking through a season of uncertainty is a tough time to learn about God's timing even when we have the promise of success. Our flesh consistently tries to convince us that God is moving too slow and that our pain is never going to go away.

Meet Lakeyshia Dickerson

As a woman of faith, I have learned that obeying God is not always easy. Over the past few years, obedience was required to surrender my own will and align it with God's Word. I had to constantly remind myself, "It is not my will, but God's will that must be done."

My marriage was over; the divorce papers were signed and I was on my way to a new life. Leaning on my finite understanding, I was determined to escape my lifeless, broken, unhappy, and unfulfilled marriage. I was convinced I was right because I had no more strength. I desperately sought God regarding the specifics of my departure and while reading the Bible the answer came. Unfortunately, what I found was not the answer I was looking for. In His infinite wisdom, God had other plans.

Through the story of Hosea and Gomer, God revealed the part I was playing in my marriage and it wasn't pretty. God commanded Hosea to go show his love to his wife again. God was commanding me to do the same. I had to make the tough decision to be obedient and surrender to God and mend my marriage. It was not easy. I had to pray, fast, and seek God daily with my whole heart. I wanted to give up many times. However, through the Word of God, I was able to endure. As I remained obedient to God, my strength was renewed. I kept my eyes on Jesus and remained confident in God's Word. By faith, I believed that God was going to work all things out.

God restored me, my family, and most of all my marriage. God is no respecter of persons. What he has done for me he will do for you. In this column, I will take you on a journey and show you how the awesome power of God that transformed me and my marriage can transform you and your marriage as well.

New Beginnings

The trees are starting to blossom.  Schools are out or close to it.  Swimming pools are open.  All signs of June, and summer.  June has another tell tale sign: weddings.

Weddings are romantic, traditional, fun and a chance at new beginnings.  Two become one.  A cord of three strands that won't be broken.  New traditions, celebrations, and habits.  It's an exciting time, but it can also be frustrating, nerve wracking, wonderful and everything in between.

Weddings and marriage are the ultimate new beginning but I believe all new things bring about the same range of emotions.  A move, job change, family addition, any kind of transition takes us out of the box and puts us in a new place of faith.  Cliches like "Sink or swim", "Don't knock it til you tried it", or "You only fail when you fail to try" all apply to change.

This June I'm not getting married but I am facing a new beginning.  This is my last "Marriage: Striving for Oneness" column at Take Root and Write.   Transition abounds as our youngest is about to go to school full time this fall.  I feel God's call is for me to freelance and be a good steward of His gifts in ministry.  It's out of my comfort zone but I know what God starts, He finishes.  I leave this column with all the emotions and cliches new beginnings bring.

Who or What Do You Love More?

  Chances are you are somewhat familiar with the movie, Fireproof.  Kirk Cameron stars as Captain Caleb Holt, a firefighter whose professional mantra is, "never leave your partner behind."  His wife, Catherine, grew up as a firefighter's daughter so she understands the demands.  However after seven years of marriage, she's ready to walk out.Caleb is ready to let her.

I won't give the whole movie away but neither spouse is approaching the marriage with perfect vision, choices or actions.  The movie is on DVD now and if you have not watched it, I highly recommend.  During a tense point in the movie, Caleb is faced with the fact that through his choices, Catherine believes there are other things, people and even strongholds/addictions in his life he loves more than her.

As the movie progresses, Caleb has a hard look at things and makes a choice, and wants Catherine to know, "I love you more."

Over at Christian Women Take Root, CWTR, we just kicked off reading The Love Dare challenge.  This is a resource utilized in the movie.  The book has forty days worth of readings based on Biblical principles and a practical application to apply to your marriage.  It's called a dare because it's not easy.  The Love Dare isn't about changing your spouse and all that is wrong with him, it's looking inside yourself with God's perspective and making the changes He asks you to make.  It's also a dare because you could read this book, do everything to the letter, and still face rejection from your spouse. But we are believing God is going to do a transforming work in us, and thereby, positively affecting our marriages.

Why It's a Good Thing to be Scared for The Love Dare Challenge

The Love Dare Challenge kicks off at Christian Women Take Root Monday, May 4. 

Given today's date, I have to confess, I'm queasy seeing this in print.  Less than a week and a group of us pour our hearts and marriages into a book.  A challenging book with biblical principles and practical applications to transform our hearts and marriages.

Great discussions are already happening at the Love Dare group, and I started one about having second thoughts, and third.  That for the past week I can feel this darkness hovering over me.  What started as an amazing week of praises and breakthroughs crashed for no other reason that I can see but a swirl of isolation, fear of rejection, and being plain scared.
 
Marriages endure a lot of things and for me, the hardest is rejection.  I had an experience as a tween where I walked away with the idea I was unloved and rejected.  That memory creeps up on me like a junior shadow, the tween me in a sense warning me the same thing will happen again. 

That tween version of me is sounding deafening alarms.  What if I try one of the applications and he doesn't notice?  Doesn't care?  What if somehow it's used against me?  I admit, these thoughts are rampant for me right now.

CWTR-The Love Dare Challenge...Is It For You?

Who is the new group at Christian Women Take Root, CWTR, The Love Dare, for?

It's a good question and I can't guarantee a perfect answer, but I want to encourage those who are not sure about taking The Love Dare challenge with us at Christian Women Take Root.

The Love Dare is a book by Stephen Kendrick based on the movie, Fireproof. The Love Dare was a Biblical tool the main character utilized when his marriage was teetering on the brink of divorce.  There is a daily reading over the course of forty days.  They are down to Earth, practical, Biblical readings with an application for you to do with the goal of enhancing your marriage and drawing you closer to the Lord and

your spouse.

Just like the movie, the CWTR Love Dare Challenge is for that marriage where not only are the gloves are off, but maybe the wedding rings are off too.   The Challenge is for women who have a few years of marriage under their belt and are so caught up with car pools and meetings the thought of marriage based on Christ and friendship seems foggy. 

It's also for the marriage where things are good, but seem hollow for what it used to be.  Perhaps circumstances around you like loss or change took your covenant thinking away.  Maybe choices within the marriage have you spinning.  The last years, months, week, days and maybe even hours are so full of emotion the only steady feeling you have in marriage right now is confusion.

Remember to Forget

Winter was a rough season throughout Northeast Ohio. Temperatures struggled to reach zero, snow fell and fell, and fell so more. Winds caused power outages and other damages. Looking back, our marriage saw a bit of a winter season too.

Dr. Gary Smalley writes about the seasons of marriage in correlation to nature's seasons. Winter is about what you would expect: harsh words, disappointment, misunderstandings, hurt feelings and a chill in the air.  In our case it wasn't constant, but it was a season.  Although it felt endless to both of us at times, it was a time to grow, learn, and practice something that isn't natural in relationships: grace.

Although conflict is a good thing (in moderation) the big struggle is after reconciliation, the enemy (the defeated one) loves to remind couples of all the things that were said in the heat of the moment.  Words like..
"You always..."
"You never..."
"You're just like..."
"I swear I'm going to..."
"I want to..."
"I hate you!"

The enemy of your marriage will also replay the things done during the conflict. Note, he's going to show you what your husband did wrong, painting a very tilted picture of the situation. It's an effort to rile you up so you stay angry, think you've made a mistake, and make choices based on unforgiveness and bitterness.

An Invitation for Married Women; The Love Dare

I interrupt my regularly scheduled column (coming this week) "Marriage: Striving for Oneness" to invite you to a challenge, if you dare (and I hope you do)!

To coincide with the columns at Take Root and Write, there is a social network called Christian Women Take Root. Members join groups, interact, educate, inform, and befriend each other.

One of the new groups at CWTR is "The Love Dare Challenge". Starting on May 4, we will be journeying together with the book, The Love Dare, featured in the movie Fireproof. We'd love for you to join us! Each day I'll post a discussion on the subsequent day featuring key thoughts from that day's reading and my own commentary, thoughts, etc...

You would be welcome to share as much or as little as you want. We are encouraging ladies who may be hesitant to pick up the book to let you know we are with you on this! By reading the discussions you'll see you are not alone. We want this group to encourage you.

Sound interesting? Apply for free membership to Christian Women Take Root and then join The Love Dare challenge group. You are welcome to join other groups that may capture your attention. There are many topics relating to women and each group is covered by excellent facilitators.

If you do not yet subscribe to our main site, Take Root and Write, I hope you will consider doing so! It now comes in a weekly digital magazine format that is easy to read and gorgeous. You also have the option to subscribe to individual RSS feeds or subscribe to a daily digest to your inbox of that day's columns. Again, all aspects of being a woman are covered in this magazine.

Thank you for reading and please, if joining the Love Dare challenge sounds intriguing, we'd love to have you. Please help me by spreading the word! You have my permission to copy this column to e mail friends and family, send out Tweets on it, Facebook it, skywrite it...

See you later this week.  The article title: Remember to Forget.

Throwing Your Husband Under the Bus

I shudder to even picture the visual of throwing my husband under the bus.  What a tragic scenario!  Yet God showed me earlier this year that I was doing exactly that when talking with others---about my husband.

It's a slow journey most wives aren't even aware they are taking.  Men have their locker room talk, but our  lunch dates can quickly turn to husband bashing.  Even under the guise of a joke, it's still the same scenario.

 You're throwing your husband under the proverbial bus.

Years ago I read something similar on the topic.  It mentioned all the ways we need to work on staying silent when the temptation to talk about our men---with one exception.  Get this, can you imagine talking about your husband to your mother-in-law, but in a good way?

Why talk about him to his mother?  Because statistically, she's going to be the person who is not only going to receive what you say, but she's going to make sure her son hears it too.

I'm not advocating gossip at all, in fact, the main point I'm trying to communicate is the challenge to stop verbally putting him down when around others.  I am supporting edifying our husbands with words.  As John Eldredge writes in both Wild at Heart and Captivating, men need to know they can get the job done.  That you believe in them.  That they are a man to you.  Nothing gets that point across better than your uplifting words.

I know I need to work on this, will you join me?   Let's stop throwing them under the bus and start bragging on them both in their presence and in their absence and yes, even to our mother-in-laws!

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19, NIV)

What's HIS Love Language?

February is known as the "Love Month." If you are struggling for oneness in your marriage, Valentine's Day can be a day to dread. In the years I've participated in marriage ministry, there is one resource that constantly stands out as an aid to help couples regain footing and find oneness once again (or perhaps for the first time.)

Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" continues to transform my marriage.  There are five languages that each spouse responds to.  You can typically discover your own love language by reading the summaries and recalling which language was a topic of argument.  If your conflicts sound something like, "You never...you hardly..." then your love language most likely is what completed that sentence.

As you read over the languages, focus not on your love language, but on your husband's.  This Valentine's Day and beyond, can you think of consistent ways to demonstrate his love language?  Can you apply these tools even if they are not noticed or returned?  I have a feeling, and it is my prayer that although this may happen in the beginning, he'll notice and you'll be surprised at the joy that comes into your marriage.  I'm rooting for you, but more than that, so is the Lord!

As always, you're invited to check out the group on Marriage: Striving for Oneness at Christian Women Take Root.  Feel free to start your own discussion or reply to an existing one!

What's His Love Language?

Words of Affirmation--Do his eyes light up when you say, "Good job?" Does he move mountains when you share how you believe in him?  If so, this is language.  The worst thing you could do whether this is his language or not is to imply or call him a failure or let him know you don't believe in him.  With this language, encouragement is key.  Test it by leaving him a note on his steering wheel.  Send him an e-card and don't forget to verbalize your love, too. 

New Year, New Mindset

Happy New Year! I hope your Christmas season was a blessed one where in Christ you were able to treat your husband as a gift. Now that it's January, it's a month typical of goals and resolutions. Let 2009 be a year where striving for oneness in marriage is a constant seeking for you. As we learned at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, every relationship goes one of two ways: isolation or oneness. Let's choose oneness! I struggle as much as the next person and I know there are times I want to say or do something to I get my way. With a new year, let's ask God to give us a new mindset concerning our marriage.

1. Ask God to give you a covenant mentality. Covenant is more than a business contract that you can find a loophole. Covenant is a solemn agreement between God and you. You purpose to keep it no matter what. Please understand I know there are biblical reasons for a marriage to break, I'm not talking about that. I mean those times you're frustrated, weary and just want out. A covenant mentality says I'm in it for the long haul where divorce is not uttered or fantasized.

2. Be a blessing! Again, FamilyLife gave us great information about when you are wronged in marriage(again, a hurtful remark or something like that). My first reaction is I'm going to hurt you back. I tend to curse a curse. Let 2009 be the year where we bless back, even when cursed. It's a process, it won't be overnight.

3. Laugh more than cry. There were times I stuck myself in such a rut I thought crying was my only option. There are times tears are good and helpful. Just don't let it be your reaction every time. I'm sensing a new season in our marriage because I'm laughing. Even with the stress of the economy and the tension that can bring to marriage, my husband and I have been goofier than we have in a long time. Only God can bring that kind of joy over circumstances, ask Him!

I want to adopt these principles into my marriage this year and beyond. Care to join me? We can keep this discussion going over at the social network Christian Women Take Root. Remember, you are free to start discussions as well as answer any current ones at Marriage: Striving for Oneness!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13

The Second Greatest Gift of All

As the song goes, It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Is it, though?  It can be a stressful time in marriage, especially in times of adversity.  If there has been job loss, death of a family member, or a transition of some kind, Christmas can easily become more of a burden than a blessing.

Whether the Christmas season is hectic because of events or traumatic because of some kind of loss, it's tempting to take emotions out on your spouse.  Did you ever consider that one of the greatest gifts of the season is your own mate?

A basic principle we learned through FamilyLife Marriage conferences was that your spouse is a gift.  Always.  Gifts are special.  You look forward to opening them, enjoying them, putting them in a special place.  Gifts are not to be neglected or abused.  Why would you verbally trash the one you entered a covenant of oneness with?

Creating a mindset that your spouse is a gift might seem difficult.  There is a group of us at the social network connected to this site called Christian Women Take Root.  The group is Marriage: Striving for Oneness and they are taking a challenge off the Revive Our Hearts website.  It's the 30 day encourage your husband challenge.  It is not easy, not for any of us.  Yet as we reach out and think of our husband as a gift, it becomes easier and easier.

There is also a mantra my husband and I used to say to each other in the early years, again, courtesy of principles we learned through FamilyLife.  When we were irritated with each other and I was tempted to tell God I wanted to return that gift called my husband, we'd look at each other and say, "You are not my enemy."

Christmas is so many amazing things.  The miracle of Christ's birth.  Beautiful music celebrating the season, crisp smells like chestnuts and pies.  Children with their oohs and aahhs over the wonder of it all.  Why not thank Your Heavenly Father first for giving the world His Son and second, for the gift of your marriage and your spouse?

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."  John 15:12, NIV

Before You Go...STOP!

I've heard in marriage ministry before that such a ministry isn't needed because "our marriage is good."  The thought is if a couple enters a marriage ministry, that means admitting something is wrong.  What's wrong---is that line of thinking!

Like I wrote last month, a good marriage can always be better.  There is always another level to strive for.  A marriage near divorce can survive.  A great marriage can work to be excellent.  It's a daily, constant work but the rewards are eternal.

Whether your marriage is in that great category or I'm ready to leave, there are things I learned, read, and observed that put boundaries in place that might help you (and me) wherever you are.  If you are in a good place, praise God.  Don't be complacent, marriage comes in seasons and winter can be brutal if you are not prepared.  Please don't skip this column because you don't think you need it.  We all do!

The same for if you are on the brink of separation or divorce.  I am not a counselor, I do not want for one second for you to think I am your marriage Savior.  BUT I know Who is.  I strongly encourage you to seek Biblical, Christian counseling.  There are places to go if finances are tight.  If your church is Bible believing and speaks on covenant living, make an appointment with a clergy member.  There is HOPE!

Here are boundaries for all of us.  Again, these are things I picked up a long the way, you might have ones of your own to add, or change, but the point is, pray about what boundaries you need to maintain in marriage and communicate them with your spouse.  Your marriage is worth it!

1.  Never utter the "d" word in conflict.  It's an easy threat to throw, that you want a divorce.  Words have power of life and death, do NOT utter death to your marriage, even if you are just speaking it in the heat of the moment.  Think about covenant living, this is the standard you entered when you said your vows.  I realize there are Biblical situations where divorce is understood.  I am talking about the fights you have about money or whatever where your button is pushed and you want to win by saying something harsh.  I know you've been there, because I have.  We all have.  Do not let the word divorce enter your conversation.

2.  Even and especially in ministry situations, do not go alone with a member of the opposite sex.  My husband has very rose colored glasses when it comes to approaching life.  My glass is half empty.  But when it comes to appearances and temptations, we both have to deal with reality.  When we were youth workers I put this boundary on both of us because you just do not know.  One accusation and not only is your ministry over, but your career, your reputation, everything.  Just be safe, not sorry.    When it comes to babysitters, I picked them up and took them home.  When we had boys hang out at our house for youth or young adult ministry, he took them home.  I did not give rides to male colleagues alone or go to lunch with one alone.  If I thought that might take place, I let my husband know in advance.  I want to be accountable.  So do you.

Welcome to Marriage: Striving for Oneness

God is not just good, He's funny too.  I'm the writer who is working on surrender with the Take Root and Write column, Finding Freedom and Victory Through Surrender.   I'm also the writer for the new column on marriage---striving for oneness.

As the surrendered writer, you need to know marriage is one of the areas I surrender.  Daily.  Sometimes hourly.  I do not have a perfect marriage nor am I a perfect spouse.  What do I bring to the proverbial table?  A download from God to see marriages not just survive, but thrive.  I detest mediocre, especially in marriage.  I am the most grief stricken when I see it within me.

I've been married over 12 years which again, does not make me qualified to counsel or direct a marriage.  But I can exhort and inform as God has shown us and the various resources He has given.  I have a passion because as a child I feared divorce and thought we as a family were but a step away.  Thankfully my parent's marriage survived and in time, thrived.  Yet I never forgot that knot in my stomach filled with worry.  I don't want any child to feel that way.

I also married someone who while I was growing up did not fit the picture little girls had in their head about white picket fences and easily ever after.  My husband experienced all the firsts in marriage----with someone else.  I did not know him personally until about five years after his divorce but I can tell you no one wins in a divorce.  No one.

So together we brought our baggage and placed them at the Cross on our wedding day.  As an engaged couple the Lord gave both of us that same passion for marriage ministry, and our hearts for each other and others is that like a car, you don't wait until your car is pulled over dead on the road to fix it.  Same for marriage.  A good marriage can be better.  A marriage on the brink can be resurrected.  I have seen it.

So on the second Thursday of each month, I pray you journey with me as I write about marriage and striving for oneness.  Through FamilyLife Marriage Conference I learned that every relationship every day has one of two choices: isolation or oneness.

I choose oneness, and I hope you do too.

Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.  Song of Solomon 8:7

Intro: Marriage; Striving for Oneness

No matter where your marriage is, it can always improve to the next level.  A good marriage can be better, a good marriage can be excellent and a near death marriage can be resurrected.  Each month we’ll tackle principles, boundaries, books, verses and anything else that will help your marriage strive for oneness.  Like a car, we want to see your marriage in mint condition and maintained regularly, not on the side of the road needing repair because of neglect.

By, Lakeyshia Dickerson
 Meets as a Group in CWTR HERE