Take Root and Write

The Gift of Giving

I have thought a lot about what I want to be said of me when I am no longer on this earth.  There are many things that would be nice. But summing it up in a nutshell, I would love for people to say, "She was a true gift." As pastor's wives, we have great opportunities all the time to be a gift. We don't even have to go looking for them, for they present themselves each day. One way we can be a gift to others is by giving.  

Please turn with me to 2 Corinthians 8:1-15.  I'd like you to read it and then come back to finish the rest of this article.  Ready, set, go!

Welcome back!  As you can see by what you just read, the people of Macedonia were not in a smooth sailing, problem free territory.  The Bible says they went through trouble and hard times, yet they GAVE.  They gave not only in times of abundance, but also in times of lack.  

God will test you time and again in the area of giving.  I've learned as I obey, He blows my mind!   Years ago I took some church women on a retreat.  Before we left my husband had told me, "Use the cash you have in your purse but do not take anything out of the ATM or write a check -- there's nothing there until payday."  When he said this, I realized I hadn't gotten groceries for the week. I was concerned not only about cooking our family's meals, but also having something for the kid's school lunches since we were not getting paid for another week.  I went to the retreat, trying not to think too hard about this.  Of course, I never said a word to anyone about it. 

Criticism: who do you listen to?

 

If you have been in ministry longer than about two minutes you have probably encountered criticism. I've heard it said that if you are going into pastoral ministry you had better develop the hide of a rhinoceros!  There's some truth to that. 

I have learned a whole lot about criticism over the years because, well. . .I've been criticized a lot. I used to think, "what's wrong with me?" Now I realize that any leader who is truly doing something is going to be criticized.  Edmund Burke once said, "To avoid criticism, say nothing, be nothing, do nothing."  Movers and shakers are criticized. I have always been the type of person who has a million things spinning at once - projects galore and running at about 110 miles an hour to get it all done with excellence. My husband often says that critics have to talk about me because they can't keep up with me, so they are left to do nothing but stand back and take shots at me while I whiz by! As someone who has been through quite a bit of this, I'd like to share with you some things to consider when you are criticized.

REALITY CHRISTMAS: Unexpected holiday stress -- how to survive and thrive!

 
Many years ago when my  husband and I first started out in ministry, I had a plan at Christmas time. Two great plans, actually. The first one was to continue enjoying my first pregnancy.  It was Christmas time and we were expecting a baby and all was well with the world. On December 12, I was also to be the matron of honor at the wedding of my best friend from Bible College.  My husband was also in the wedding.  I had my special dress, his tuxedo was ordered, I had my shoes, jewelry, hotel room booked, and all was ready for the big day.  I planned to celebrate with our beloved friends, have a baby a few months later and revel in the wonderfulness of all God was doing in our lives. 

All of it came crashing down when on December 6, our baby went to be with the Lord.  I was laying on the couch profusely crying and taking painkillers after coming home from the hospital having gone through an emergency Dilation and Curettage (D & C) with no anesthesia.  (Yeah, ouch!)  Just within hours of this, my best friend called sobbing and told me that her fiancee had broken off the engagement with just six days to go until the wedding. Not only had the love of her life left, but her parents had invested untold thousands for an extremely lavish wedding, none of which would take place.  It was tragic.  I laid there on the couch, feeling quite helpless and out of control in every area of my life. Christmas cheer seemed such a far away thought.  

Life's stresses don't stop just because it's Christmas time. In fact, sometimes they increase.  For all of us in ministry, we deal with the same load we were carrying before the holidays started PLUS all of the expectations at both home and church.  A Christmas cantata alone is enough to throw even the most even keeled person into emotional overdrive when your Joseph or Mary comes down with strep throat, or half of the people involved do not show up to a "mandatory" rehearsal.  How about family angst when relatives come to visit and tensions run high over small things that seem to turn into big things at times?   Throw in a tragedy here or there and it can seem insurmountable or even hopeless. How can we not only survive but thrive? Let's look back to the first Christmas ever. . .

Pastor's Kids: living a life most people could never comprehend

Last month here at Survive and Thrive Ministry Wives I wrote about protecting our PK's (pastor's kids) from the enemy's assignment. We know that it is the goal of the enemy to steal, kill and destroy all of us, (John 10:10) however I believe he has a special assignment against PK's. First of all, he knows that the greatest way to hurt a pastor is to hurt their kids! I can handle a lot of things in life, with grace. But harm my kids, and it's not a pretty scene. I am like a Momma bear, protecting her cubs, as most mothers are. There was once a mother who who was walking along pushing her baby in a stroller. Suddenly a pit bull appeared and ran up to the stroller and began barking and growling. Two men were off in the distance and saw this. One man exclaimed to the other, "oh no!"  and the other man said, "Oh no is right!  I feel sorry for that pit bull!"  One thing is for sure, mothers have a natural instinct to protect their children that sometimes borders on craziness. In the pastorate, ministry wives have an immense challenge in protecting their PK in the natural as life for the child of a minister is often so complicated. 

PK's walk such a tightrope between needing to be treated as normal kids, and having a few perks to offset the often challenging things they face.  You often hear admonitions for people in the church to "treat PK's as they would any other child" and indeed it is important to give them room to be themselves, and to just be kids. However at the same time it's important to give them some benefits or recognition to encourage them. These are the things that often keep PK's going when the going gets tough.

This past month during pastor appreciation one of our pastors -- George Dearborn and his family, came to the platform to do a presentation for my husband and I and they asked our children to come to the platform.  They honored them with gifts and then the Dearborn's daughter Rebecca, now age 23, shared how important it is to encourage PK's because in her words, they are "often harshly judged and live life under a microscope."  

Protecting Your PK from the Enemy's Assignment

The longer I am in ministry the more I realize just how true John 10:10 is: "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (NIV).   The devil did not come just to give you a bad hair day or cause your nails to chip.  His goal is to absolutely DESTROY your marriage, your children, your entire family, your church,  your life. 

No where is this more evident than with pastor's children.  The devil hates PK's because there is such potential, promise and anointing upon them from growing up in a pastor's home.  They are given at least 18 years of up close discipleship. They live in the ministry world although they are not pastors, they know a whole lot about ministry.  Quite frankly a teenage PK might have a better handle on the "ministry world" and understanding of it more than a church board member or ministry leader because they are immersed in the ministry by virtue of living in a pastor's home. They have insight about what goes on even if you don't tell them everything.  Kids aren't clueless, they pick upon so much whether you tell them or not.

I'll never forget pastoring our first church as senior pastors, that was what is known as an abusive church.  Our son Dustin who was three years old came in the room with big tears in his eyes and said, "Daddy, these people just don't love us."  We never told him they didn't love us, we never shared with him that there was strife in the church. After all, he was a mere three years old.  But he could hear and sense what was going on because he witnessed what other adults in the church did.  My children are amazingly intuitive and discerning about people and things in the church because they've been around the block with this thing called ministry. Aside from the calling of God, why do you think so many pastor's kids become pastors themselves? They basically have a lifetime of ministry schooling before they even go to Bible College. 

Vital Signs

"Stop the ministry!  I want to get off!"  How many of you pastor's wives have said that?  Every friend I've got in ministry (and I've got lots of them!) have said that at least once if not a million times.  Before I even go any further, I want you to say to yourself out loud, "I AM NOT ALONE!"  If you don't believe that and still feel like you are, email me  and say, "I feel alone."  You don't even have to share any other details, just those three words if that's all you're comfortable saying, and  I'll shoot you back an e-mail in a New York minute and reassure you the truth of the matter that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  One of the devil's biggest lies he tries to get you to believe is that you are alone.  Let me give you some statistics from a survey that show you that you aren't as alone as you might think...

 In the Enrichment Journal article, "Stress Management for Women in Ministry, author Joann Butrin says the following:  "When pastors’ wives were asked to name the things that cause the most stress in their lives, the most common responses were: balancing the demands of the congregation with the responsibilities of raising children, being a supportive wife, keeping an organized household, and feeling guilty for not giving enough time for any of these roles. Other responses included: feeling frustrated at being relegated a lesser role while feeling the same call to ministry as one’s husband, feeling unappreciated in the support role of pastor’s wife, feeling drained by the constant schedule demands that go with ministry, and feeling isolated and alone due to taboos concerning friendships in the church."

Stress is a given when we accept the role of a minister's wife but that doesn't make it any easier.  No amount of reading, training or even mentoring beforehand could ever prepare one for what they will face in full time ministry.  I stopped to think about it the other day and realized I don't have many friends who are pastor's wives who haven't faced some serious physical complications as a result of stress.  This is not only with pastor's wives at mid-life or older but even younger ones.  I came to the conclusion, we can't hear enough about stress management!   

The other day I went to a meeting for ministers in my area that was a mandatory thing for our denomination.  I have to be honest that at first, I dreaded it.  I was overwhelmed with a full schedule that day and had so much to deal with, the last thing I needed was a three hour mandatory meeting to add to the insanity that was my day.  Once I got there, my attitude changed.  Our presbyter (overseer over our area) had prepared a workshop on stress management in ministry.  He shared some things I really needed to hear and be reminded of.  

One of the first things he shared was that when a person becomes president of the United States, everything is monitored very carefully, from their diet to their sleep schedule, exercise, and even mandatory vacations!  There are those who criticize because our various presidents have taken vacations and even during critical times in the nation's history but the truth of the matter is, during that time they probably needed the vacation all the more to hold up under the pressure.  Our leader went on to say that they are very protective of the president because he must be able to function at his optimal best to lead the nation, and without these basics being well covered in his life, his health and safety is at risk.   He went on to say that we in the ministry are front line warriors and very important leaders in our nation and how much more do we need to carefully "monitor all of our "vitals?"

How in the world am I going to do this?

This is a question I have asked myself as a ministry wife over and over again.  Although the majority of people out there see me as a very strong, capable and confident woman there are times I have laid on my bed and cried my eyes out wondering how in the world I was going to manage to do whatever was before me. 

Years ago in a previous church my husband made the decision to add a new service to the church schedule.  Being the only one capable to lead worship in the church at the time, I realized this meant another additional service for me to prepare for every week.  That in itself wouldn't have been so bad had I not already been waking up at the crack of dawn, teaching Sunday School, directing the choir, leading worship for Sunday morning, entertaining guests for lunch on Sunday, directing choir practice that afternoon, leading worship for Sunday night service. . .oh and did I mention. . .this was all while taking care of a nursing newborn? Yes. I. Am. Serious. 

Some of you are not at all surprised by that scenario, as you have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt.  Needless to say when my husband said he was adding another service on top of all of this, I just calmly went in my bedroom, laid on the bed, and sobbed my eyes out.  

Yesterday I asked one of my best friends, another pastor's wife, what her favorite scripture verse is and why.  She quickly responded that Isaiah 41:10 is her favorite:  "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"  (NIV).

It's Not Worth the Price

Ghandi once said, "There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever."  Well, I've had occasion to be ashamed in this regard.  I am determined to change -- to learn to trust instead of toss and turn.    

Back in November, a few days after getting back from a missions trip to Africa, I began to have a terrible pain in my upper left side.  At first I was convinced it had something to do with the trip.  My doctor suspected malaria and I was tested several times.  The test came back negative and I was subsequently tested for all kinds of things, none of which solved the problem.  For over seven months, I dealt with pain that often woke me in the middle of the night.  Finally a few weeks ago it was finally diagnosed -- an ulcer.  The doctor says it's not a result of what I eat or don't eat, nor do I have an infection that causes it -- it's just good 'ol stomach acid mainly caused by stress. Can you relate?  

I think most ministry wives can, unfortunately.  The stress that women in ministry go through is indescribable to others. Someone once said, "The ministry defies explanation to those outside of it."  Until one has walked in your shoes they just do not understand the overwhelming expectations, and the unique pressures. Living in Tampa Bay as I do, I'd love to produce a reality show called, "The Real Pastor's Wives of Tampa Bay."  Quite frankly, I think it would be a lot more shocking than the Real Housewives of New Jersey, Orange County, or anywhere else for that matter. People have NO CLUE.  I've often had ministry friends say that if the general population did have a clue what we go through they might think twice about ever coming to church so we probably shouldn't tell them.  Another project I'd love to do is a book entitled, "Why Does a Pastor's Wife Have to Go Through Hell to Get to Heaven?"  

 For me, the years 2007 and 2008 had difficult circumstances attached to them. There is no need for me to share all the details, but I'll just say I was thankful to leave 2007 behind thinking better days were ahead. My husband and I rang in the new year with a great big kiss and said to each other, "It's over!  Yay!" but alas, another tough year was ahead in 2008. During that time I stressed privately, and could often feel myself becoming overwhelmed with anxiety. The fear was unbelievable at times. My greatest concern was, "what if this never gets better?"  There are times in our lives that we just can't see ourselves on the other side of something.  I had a lot of days like that.  One night a friend, another pastor's wife,  called a prayer meeting on my behalf out of concern for me., Depression set in and it took me months to get beyond it. During this whole time I technically knew I shouldn't worry, after all it was what I had been taught all my life -- to cast my cares upon Him, for He cares for me..." yet I honestly couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Friends would also say, "this too shall pass..." but I  wasn't so sure as it all seemed to be a bunch of empty cliches. 

Guard Your Deposit!

 

My husband and I were sitting in our living room a few years ago watching the news on TV and suddenly we saw the face of a guy we went to Bible college with and the news anchor went into a story about a cult.  Evidently these people were in a commune and stockpiling weapons and some other strange things.  Looking back to our Bible school days I would have never imagined this young man would be involved in, let alone serving as a leader in such an "organization" if you want to call it that.

It's so easy to us to get off track, isn't it?  Perhaps you can't picture you or your husband running off and starting a cult, in fact I'd say 99% of you reading this would immediately respond, "no way, no how, that will NEVER HAPPEN!"  You are probably right.  However, it's easy for us to get off track with a myriad of things that keep us spiritually healthy. You don't have to be a cult leader to be "off" spiritually.  And, as a minister's wife you ARE a spiritual leader.

Being a healthy spiritual leader requires time in the Word, prayer, accountability, rest, recreation, sleep, eating right, exercise, doctor's check ups, family time, and the list goes on.  It's easy to slip up in any of these areas.  Recently I've found myself having to bolster up a few of these areas as I've honestly backslid in recent days in some of them!  It is an absence of any one of these areas for a prolonged time that can send us careening into spiritual dryness, sickness, family discord,  and perhaps as in the case of a few examples we've all seen. . .complete spiritual depravity.

Paul, a mentor to Timothy, a young pastor, wrote and encouraged him about this.  In II Timothy 1:14 he said, "Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us." NIV

Are you distrustful of new church members?

 

Have past hurts in the ministry made you distrustful of new people? 

I will confess...I've been guilty of this.  I believe this is a common problem that ministry wives have.  We have all experienced painful conflicts with others in the church and then when somebody new comes along our first thought is often not, "wow, what a cool new person," but, "wow...wonder how long it's going to take her to hurt me...?"   I wish I was kidding  but those of you who have been in ministry longer than five minutes know I speak the truth.

I didn't realize how wrong it is to allow ourselves to maintain this prejudice and distrustful attitude until I had it done to me in a roundabout way.  When my husband and I candidated at a church (and were subsequently voted in) a woman in the congregation told me months later that she was relieved upon meeting me, her new pastor's wife...to discover that I was a brunette.  She explained that if I was blonde, she simply couldn't have accepted me.  A few years earlier her husband had an affair with a blonde haired woman, and she distrusted all of  them.  When it came to light haired ladies, she was always waiting for "the other shoe to drop" and saw all of them as potential homewreckers.  She sincerely confided to me, "Since you have brown hair, it's possible for me to accept you as my pastor's wife."  I thought to myself, "how ludicrous!  Is she serious?"   

In the same way it was really wrong and bordering on bizarre for that lady to base whether she could accept the new pastor's wife because of the color of her hair, so it is wrong of me to be distrustful of new church members, especially based upon things they have no control over.  Whatever happened with former members has nothing to do with our current ones.  How often do we punish others relationally for something they had nothing to do with?

Avoiding Resentment

When you've been in ministry for many years you start to see patterns develop concerning your spiritual life, your moods and your emotions. For that matter, I see patterns in how much I sin.Yes, you heard me right!  As committed as I am to holiness, there are still times that I fall short. Any of us who are honest will readily admit that we not only have weaknesses, challenges or obstacles -- but we have sin.

I have noticed in my own walk with the Lord and my journey of ministry that there are times my resentment factor is WAY up.  Obviously this is not pleasing to the Lord and I don't want to live this way.  

Since the time I was a little girl I have loved church.  I am crazy about the house of God and being with His people. I love the ministry!  I love the people!  I love the Lord more than all of it!  But there are moments I am feeling like I could walk straight out the doors and never come back. And what about the phone? Only a pastor's wife can understand the simple issue of the phone ringing in the pastor's home and how it gets so overwhelming at times. There have been periods of time that when I hear the phone ring I just want to scream, especially when it at home at all hours for non-emergency issues. I know I'm preaching to the choir here --you understand.  

What proves that you are a good pastor's wife?

I don't have all the answers. 

Really!

This comes as a surprise to our church people sometimes, that those of us in the ministry do not have all the answers.  But we don't.  I mean, we do know Jesus is ultimately the answer.  However, to every little thing in life that may come up, no, we do not have the corner on knowledge.  For that matter, we don't understand it all about the big things!   I often don't know why something had to happen, especially something tragic.  I don't have the answers to solve every crisis that comes along.  However, I really don't believe that when it comes down to it, this is what our church people are looking for.  In fact, I've tested this out and it's proven true.  They just want us to love them, and be there.

Right now there are many people in my congregation, and I'm sure yours as well, who are facing big problems.  Job layoffs and financial strain alone are taking America's people to the brink.  Our country's economic picture is a mess and man will not fix it.  This pastor's wife does not have all the answers, but there is one thing I can do -- I can be there for the people.  I can put my arms around them and say, "I love you and I'm praying for you."  I can drop an email to them and let them know they are not alone.  I can call them and say, "Hey, the Lord brought you to mind and I'm praying for you."  This kind of care is possible when you know the people in your congregation and are involved in their day to day lives.  I believe this is what the Bible is talking about in Proverbs 27:23 when it says, "Know well the condition of your flocks, And pay attention to your herds." (NASB)

For Many in Ministry, "Escaping" is a Reality

   

The other day my husband dropped me off at a store to run a quick errand while he went next door to the hardware store to pick up an item he needed to repair something at the house.  I finished my errand first and came over to meet him at the store.  Walking down all the aisles of the hardware store, I realized he was no where to be found which was puzzling. 

An employee of the store, a tall burly man, approached me and said, "Ma'am, can I help you with something?" 

I said, "Oh, I'm just looking for my husband." 

"Well, what does he look like?" the man inquired. 

"He's about six foot two with dark hair and he's wearing a Steelers' jersey." 

"Oh him," said the man. "...I think I saw him go out the doors and run across the parking lot yelling, 'Free at last!  Free at last!'" 

We shared a laugh and I said, "Now I know my husband, and that's not true..." as I took off determined to find him.  Sure enough he was out in the parking and was just sitting in the car listening to talk radio while waiting for me. I saw no evidence of the screaming man described to me inside the store.  

I chuckle when I recall this story however I realize that for many in ministry, "escaping" is a reality.  A study done by the Fuller Institute, Focus on the Family and the Barna Research Group shows:

• 89% of pastors have considered leaving the ministry.
• 77% of pastors surveyed don't think they have a good marriage.
• 90% of pastors say they are fatigued or worn out on a weekly basis.
• 75% feel unqualified or poorly trained.
• 37% surveyed were divorced or currently in a divorce process.
• 30% have been in an ongoing relationship or one time affair with a parishioner.
• 1500 pastors leave the ministry monthly due to moral failure, spiritual burnout, or contention in their churches.
• 50% of pastor's marriages will end in divorce.
• 50% of pastors are so discouraged they would leave the ministry if they had another way of making a living.
• 90% started off with the right call and passion but something happened to derail them. 

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

   

The sounds of the season were all around me at the store that year -- the bell ringer from the Salvation Army at the front entrance, the hustle and bustle of the shoppers, and the music wafting though the store as I shopped.  I heard the refrain, "sleep in heavenly peace...sleep in heavenly peace..." as I pushed my cart and thought to myself, "yeah, right..." as I fought back the tears and the feeling of a lump of emotion in my throat that was ever threatening to push itself the surface.  Just below was a dam of emotions that were relentlessly trying to escape that I had been suppressing for what felt like forever but in reality was a few months.

 I hadn't slept in peace in weeks. That year had been one of the most stressful ever.  Our church that we pastored at the time had been in a season of turmoil and I was under a serious amount of stress and strain although I was trying my best to cover it well.   Although I showed up every time to church looking presentable and bearing my signature pw smile, inside I was emotionally bleeding.  Weeks before I had been to  my hairdresser and the first thing she noticed was that previously unbeknownst to me, chunks of my hair had fallen out in the back.  She thought surely it must be a medical issue such as a thyroid problem and immediately sent me on my way for a test at doctors.  Upon checking it out they found it was not a thyroid condition or some other abnormality, but simply overwhelming stress.  Before each church service, I would take a deep breath and get my composure to just walk into the building each time and keep my head up,  The weeks and months of this seemed to last forever.   Only another ministry wife can understand what this is like. 

Who would do this if I didn't?

Each Saturday I find myself doing what seems like a million jobs around my house that nobody would even notice...unless I didn't do them anymore for a while.  Then certain things would become a real mess!  It takes me at least half the day to get all these things done, some days the whole day.  But they are mostly unnoticed by anyone else, because I keep up with them and maintain the smooth running of things.   Many times on Saturdays I rush around out of breath just to get everything done and meanwhile my kids don't even realize it.  They are doing their own thing.  Why do I tell you all this?  I know you really don't care about my Saturday cleaning routine but I am headed toward making a point here so stay with me!

In the church I find myself doing many things as the partner to the pastor that go undetected by 99.9% of people.  These things are behind the scenes, extremely important things, which left unchecked would leave a real void.  Because I am doing them on a regular basis, the ship runs more smoothly.  No one would be aware of the importance of these things, unless...I did not do them anymore. 

Just as we do many things in our home in serving as wife and mother, so we do many things in the church as spiritual mother that affect the welfare of our church and it's precious people.  Many people are unaware of these things but it doesn't make the things any less important.

Sometimes it's as simple as having the knowledge of a difficult time in a person's life and dropping a note in the mail to them.  It's seeing the person over in the corner at a fellowship and taking time to notice them and give an encouraging word.  It's bending down to take a child in your arms who is crying because some other children have excluded them from their group.  It's making a phone call to someone you just have a sense needs to hear a word of life.  Sometimes it entails taking care of an administrative task for your husband that was left undone by someone else that could really affect the services the next weekend.  So, you step in and "save the day" so things will go smoothly, and no one is the wiser that something almost fell through the cracks.

Wear the coat!

Genesis 37:3 -10 “Now Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other children because Joseph had been born to him in his old age. So one day he gave Joseph a special gift--a beautiful robe. But his brothers hated Joseph because of their father's partiality. They couldn't say a kind word to him. One night Joseph had a dream and promptly reported the details to his brothers, causing them to hate him even more. "Listen to this dream," he announced. "We were out in the field tying up bundles of grain. My bundle stood up, and then your bundles all gathered around and bowed low before it!" "So you are going to be our king, are you?" his brothers taunted. And they hated him all the more for his dream and what he had said. Then Joseph had another dream and told his brothers about it. "Listen to this dream," he said. "The sun, moon, and eleven stars bowed low before me!" This time he told his father as well as his brothers, and his father rebuked him. "What do you mean?" his father asked. "Will your mother, your brothers, and I actually come and bow before you?"

In this passage of scripture, we see that Joseph had his father’s favor, to the degree that he even gave Joseph a special gift – a beautiful robe, or as many of us have heard it described, “a coat of many colors.” Joseph subsequently had a dream of him being placed in a position of favor and authority in which his family would even bow down to him. Of course we know in reading the rest of the story that that is exactly what happened! However he faced a lot of things in order to get to that point. People were definitely less than excited about what was happening in his life. There was such jealousy involved that he was thrown in a pit and left to die, sold into slavery, and that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Just as with Joseph, I’ve seen this happen in ministry over the years. Do you want to be criticized by people? Just succeed!

I look around me and see certain ministers that are bringing millions of people into the Kingdom of God. Countless souls are being reached. Yet there are other ministers who are not so famous, who critically question, ”Yes, but are they bringing them in through the right methods?” Who cares! I don’t care if I have to stand on my head to get people to come to the saving knowledge of Jesus. I’ll do whatever it takes to bring people to Him.

I remember many years ago in our previous pastorate when things really started taking off and growing, there was a man who was very jealous over that and he actually criticized us and told people that the only reason our church was growing was because my husband was young and had a “trendy hairstyle.” Wow! If it were only THAT easy to experience church growth! My husband would change his hairstyle every week if that’s all that was involved.

Does the enemy have one up on you?

Welcome to the article for ministry wives! I’ll share an encouraging word with you here on a monthly basis…heart to heart, from someone who understands. I once heard it said that, “the ministry defies explanation to anyone outside of it.”  I agree wholeheartedly with this statement.  The other day I also saw a t-shirt that said, “Ahhhh…the ministry…” (it went on to say, “if you need an explanation you’re not in the ministry!”) When you click here each month, I promise you’ll be reading the words of a woman who understands your world.

This month I want to talk to you about your personal identity.  Many women, including ministry wives, do not understand who they are in Christ.  We are ministering from an unfair disadvantage because we have allowed the enemy a place in our life that God never intended him to have.  This is why we have so many pastor’s wives who quit and literally walk out on their husbands.  Or, in their woundedness, take a back seat that perhaps God never designed for them.  Yes, there are those who take more of a behind the scenes role, and that is perfectly fine if that is your calling.  But there are also those who really don’t belong there but have gone there because of hurt or wounds over the years.

Ladies, we must realize who God has made us to be, and that His divine will and purpose is being accomplished in us.  We must have this foundation in our lives or the enemy will have a foothold.

Many ministry wives wrestle with this question:  Am I in ministry because God chose me and wants me in this ministry, or… did I just "fall in love" with a man who happens to be a preacher? When women believe the lie that they just “happened to fall in love with a preacher” with no divine plan from God in mind, they have given the enemy a huge "one up" on them. He now has an advantage that God never intended for him to have in their lives, and rest assured, the enemy will whisper in their ear at every turn, "It's your husband who has the calling… not you.  You are just along for the ride.  You really aren’t all that important…" He hisses this in their ear and slithers away, and at this point, women who swallow this lie of the enemy begin to ride the roller coaster of depression, and despair as they fight the enemy’s constant attack on their identity and self esteem. 

Beginning to doubt a "call" and that their lives are not serving any purpose, these women begin to lose their sense of personal significance.

God chose us for this life, not man…not even “our man.”   Our identity and call is not rooted in our husband or our church.  God predestined us to be in ministry.  Read Psalm 139 again ladies, and look at it in light of your life and ministry.  Every day ordained for you was written in His book before one of them came to be!   Bill, Tom, Ed, Ron or Larry didn't choose you… GOD DID!!!!!    You are a pastor's wife because God wants you to be.

I learned years ago that I must derive my self identity and worth based on who I am in Christ, and my calling, not my husband or what my church thinks or how they treat me.  Bottom line ladies… it's a "God" thing… a "calling" thing… you can't get this from anywhere else… not your husband, not your church, not even your SELF.  You see, self identity for the Christian or woman in ministry isn't in self… it's in JESUS.  What we’re really looking for is not self esteem, but God’s esteem.  His approval.  Self acceptance and worth because of who He is and the fact that He has created us with a divine purpose.

If we do not truly grasp the fact deep down inside that we have been called and anointed by God, we will be lacking boldness and joy in the ministry that God wants us to have. 

Do you doubt your calling? Remember…   "And those he predestined he also called, those he called he also justified, those he justified, he also glorified…" Romans 8:30.

Intro: Survive and Thrive; Ministry Wives!

Here We Are, Pastor’s Wives!
Someone once said that the ministry defies explanation to those outside of it.  Truly women who are serving as minister's wives are in a unique role that presents challenges like no other.  However, ministry wives can not only survive, but thrive in the midst of it!  Get insight about navigating the sometimes uncertain or difficult waters of life as a minister's wife. Take a break ~ get a cup of tea or coffee, and be encouraged by someone who understands the journey you are on.  Sometimes it makes such a difference just to know you are not alone.  Yes, someone does understand!

By, Deanna Shrodes
Column Posted First Friday of the Month/ Also Group in CWTR Here.