Take Root and Write

Trust Him with All of Yourself: The Good and the Bad

 
I recently gave a homework assignment to one of my clients. It was a blank piece of paper with one question: "Who am I?" I explained that I wanted her to describe who she thought she was, e.g. wife, mother, creative, encouraging, successful. Along with the positive aspects, the exercise also gave her an opportunity to address the negative parts she wanted to change. After the exercise with my client, I decided to do the homework assignment myself to see if there was anything negative I needed to address in my life.

After completing my list, I noticed I hadn't written any negative characteristics. This realization bothered me. Like all of us, there are plenty of less-than-positive aspects (messy, impatient or forgetful) in my life too. But I wondered why none of them made it onto my list? Was I turning a blind eye to my own issues?

Anxious thoughts ran through my mind. "Am I a Pollyanna?" The thought mortified me. "Oh Lord," I prayed, "don't let me be a Pollyanna Christian!"

 In all honesty, I don't want to be blind to my own shortcomings but instead aware of where my character is tarnished. By surrendering myself to God, and praying for his grace and power to overcome those parts of me that are inconsistent with godly character, I trust all of me --the good and bad parts -- to Him, hoping for change where I need it.

Immerse Yourself in His Spirit

Day 1 of 3

It's 9:00 am, my son's had left for school, I'd finished spending my time in the Word, and was looking forward to going on a walk; just me and Jesus. I've recently felt a sense of emptiness inside from a lack of "time" with Him. True, I read his Word daily, and yes I also prayed, but what I hadn't been doing was worshiping and spending time listening to Him speak to me. I was faithfully going through the motions of relationship, yet, something was missing and it created a hole in my heart.

It was a sunny, crisp morning; ideal for a walk. I slipped on my sneakers, grabbed my i pod and headed out the door. My stride was light as I listened to Mandisa sing My Deliverer; her was voice drenched in His anointing oil. His immediate was marked by an immersion of joy and hopefulness within my spirit. I welcomed His presence.

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love in our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom he gave us" (Romans 5:5 NIV).

The Ministry of the Holy Spirit

Last time we talked about how the Lord speaks to us through the Holy Spirit who lives inside every believer. Many of us know this intellectually, however, there is more to a  relationship than the knowledge and awareness of another.

How do we have an intimate relationship with someone we can't see? It is difficult enough having relationships with those we can see and touch, but how does it work with the Spirit of God? It may seem overwhelming at first, but we must remember it's God's will that we know Him through His Spirit. So there must be a way, right?

Although the "Spirit" is discussed many times in the Old Testament, this article is going to focus on the New Testament book of Acts. Jesus had already been crucified and raised from the grave. Over the next 40 days he appeared to the disciples individually and in groups. He spokes with them, ate with them, and at one point appeared to a crowd of over 500 people. However at one point Jesus was alone with his disciples and gave them their final instructions before returning to the Father.

He Speaks Through His Spirit

It often feels as if the pastor is speaking directly to me during his sermon. Does that ever happen to you? I wonder how the Lord can send a different message to each of our hearts when presenting the identical material to a group. Even as I write this sentence I have to chuckle, after all, the same Bible has spoken divine messages to different people for over 2000 years!

The Holy Spirit is not limited by our finite minds; he is supernatural. The Spirit knows our hearts. He motives and has the capability to take one sermon and touch thousands of hearts in a thousand different ways; that is truly amazing.

If I struggle with anxiety or guilt, he has an antidote. If fear overcomes me, he is my strength. If I experience depression or feel lonely, he comforts me. God is my All in All. This statement frequently perplexes people: how can He be everything we need every second of every day?

How does he give us everything we need at all times? Well...in many different ways, but basically it all comes down to his presence through his Spirit. The Spirit speaks to our hearts through the Word of God, offering us comfort and wise counsel. The Spirit assures us of His love when we fail or doubt His goodness. How many Christians silently suffer from spiritual doubt? Too many! He wants to reassure us and strengthen us in those times; not condemn us.

What Gets You out of Bed?

Do you have a burden for single women? How about troubled teens? Are you energized to open your home to others and make them feel welcome? Do you like comforting folks by bringing them meals or sending them cards?

God wired each of us for a purpose. I'm wired to encourage hurting Christian women find hope. Do you know how you're wired? Do you know your heart's passion?

In other words, what gets you out of bed other than the need for a caffeine fix? Do you know? What about your Christian friends, who may be struggling emotionally, financially or physically? Do they know their God-given purpose? Their unique fit?

If not, then you need to find out and so do they.

Often we Christian women balk at the notion God has a special purpose for us. We think we're just moms, or just wives, or just this or just that. Rather than embracing the blessing that God lavishes us with His love, we mutter, "Pish posh." Have you been there? I have.

Decades ago as life's dark side of depression strangled me -- yes, I was a Christian at the time -- I didn't think I had anything to give or even had worth. As I grabbed onto God's hand and as He pulled me from the pit, He taught me many truths, one being "you matter."

Will Power or Spirit Empowered?

Will power...have you ever really examined what that phrase suggests? We often hear others suggest that if we have the will power we can achieve anything. It makes me wonder if such a thing could be true? Can I really achieve anything with determination and will power? Many experts say that I can, and for that matter many well-meaning friends and family members tell me I can too. So, if that is the case, why do I often fail or fall short of attaining the goals I've set out to achieve? Did my will power fail? Am I weak?

 
The answer to both these questions is a resounding yes! I fail and I'm weak; not a terribly encouraging thought, but nevertheless a reality. I've found that when we believe we are strong enough, good enough, determined enough, dedicated enough or smart enough to conquer our own battles, we are setting ourselves up for a very disappointing encounter with our human nature. You see, we don't possess the power to do great things apart for Christ's Spirit. We may use will power to motivate us to begin something like a fitness plan or to give up something such as smoking or overeating, but if we fail to invite the power of the Holy Spirit to enable us to accomplish these goals, we've left out the most critical aspect of success.

Healthy Boundaries in Our Thoughts

 

Have you ever experienced the kind of relationship where it seems that every time you talk with a certain friend a nondescript sense of guiltiness invades your emotions? There's nothing this friend says which you can really put your finger on, but somehow it feels as if you've done something wrong.

I have had these types of relationships, and although it has taken me years to identify them, I've come to understand that it's not what was said as much as its what wasn't said. Sometimes we receive a message from a friend's comments which seem to convey unspoken disapproval.

There was a time when I allowed those quiet accusations to wash over me, but I've come to realize that friends usually are not trying to hurt me; typically it's just a lack of the interpersonal skills that allow them to express their feelings with no clarity. For example they use implications and "ha ha just kidding" remarks to get their point across. However, although I understand this, it doesn't necessarily solve my quandary about the way it makes me feel. How then, do I spend time with this friend without feeling bad about myself?   

Our feelings and emotions are directly connected to our thoughts. Scripture tells us to take our thoughts captive in obedience to Jesus Christ. The Lord knows that when we are plagued with thoughts of guilt, fear, unbelief, shame, or other negative things, destructive feelings soon to follow.

Waiting Leads to Discouragement

Discouragement, unbelief, fear, and anxiety; these emotions regularly attach themselves to us as we tread the uneven roads of our lives. There are times when things don't make sense and the pressure builds with no sign of reprieve. So, we wait. We wait for our prayers to be answered, for our relationships to heal, for our financial drought to end...we wait. Have you ever noticed that we do a lot of waiting in this life?

We wait in lines and at red lights. We wait for our children to come home from school. We wait for a better time to start our diets and exercise programs because we are just too stressed; we wait. For how long though, how long do we wait? What if we wait our entire lives and never receive the "thing" for which we wait? I don't think the waiting is the bad part, I think the difficult part is how we "feel" while we wait. Do we wait eagerly; excitement oozing from our pores? Do we wait angrily, wondering why "things" take so long? Do we wait in self-pity, wondering why we must wait so long? Are we waiting, with the hope which does not disappoint? Or, are we resentful that we must wait at all?

What I've come to learn about myself recently is that I don't particularly care for delays at. In fact, I'm down right impatient with postponements in general. "I want it now, Daddy . . . I want an oompa loompa now!" And we all know what happened to that spoiled little girl in Charlie's chocolate factory; things didn't go so well for her at all; I don't want to be a Veruca Salt.

The Power to Deal With Life

One morning, after another night of drinking too much wine, I awoke very early to the words of the Spirit within me. Very clearly the Lord told me that I could keep drinking and He would still love me, however there was a catch. My salvation would still be intact, but it would cost me the precious ability to hear the voice of the Spirit of God.

Early that morning I awoke to these words from Him in my thoughts, "Lisa, you can have this sin and my love for you will remain, however when you choose to sin it separate's you from Me; it separates you from My voice". A powerful panic erupted within me and I began to hyperventilate in fear and grief; the enormity of the confrontation instantly sank into the marrow of my bones and filled me with a deep sense of dread and heartache. Weeping hysterically, I called my girlfriend, and although it was the wee hours of the morning, I begged her to pray for me that minute! I couldn't bear the thought of facing a life without the voice of the Holy Spirit teaching and guiding me.

"But when the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own, he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come" (John 16:13 NIV).

Divorce Cannot Define His Daughters

 

Although it's nothing new, divorce, both inside and outside the church, is an all too common occurrence. Nevertheless, I was initially shocked as woman after woman shuffled into my office recounting stories of their disintegrating marriages. While their heartbreaking situations all had a unique fingerprint, the blood flowing through the veins of each woman's experience was born from human suffering and broken dreams.

Discouraged, many women languish in their attempts to rebuild their lives; haunted by the uncertainty of God's approval, their hearts are filled with a prolonged sense of mourning.The fear of disappointing God often hinders our relationship with both God and others. Somehow, due to the divorce, many women feel they can no longer stand righteous, pure, and blameless before God. After all, doesn't God hate divorce?

How can the Lord be pleased with me when He hates divorce? Feeling condemned, we tend to withdrawal from the Lord and others, fearing their judgment and rejection. Too often, a destructive misuse of His Word adds further reproach to our wounded and fragile self-worth.

God, Who Am I?

 
Staring in the mirror, my 14-year-old eyes spoke the question of my soul: Who am I? I really wanted to know. Knowing one's true identity is crucial in finding contentment for anyone, no matter her age. But, identity is especially important to a gangly eighth-grader; a highly sensitive, gangly eighth-grader.

Was I "spacey" like the mean girls said? No. I wasn't spacey. My name regularly appeared on the honor roll, disproving their moniker for me.

Insecure, yes. Spacey, no.

Later that year, when my dad spent more than a month in the psych ward and his diagnosis of manic-depression darkened my thoughts, I feared that I too might be or might become mentally ill. Like father, like daughter? Did his problem determine my identity?

No.

Anxious, yes. A manic-depressive (now known as bi-polar illness), no.

Handling Our Emotional Storms Through His Spirit

I wasn't sure that I heard the Lord correctly today. After all, I'm relatively new to Take Root and Write and I wasn't sure exposing this part of me sounded like such a great idea.

Evidently He did. So,here I am,following the directions of the One who loves me and always leads me in the way I should go.

My story begins seven years ago, praying on the treadmill when the Lord direct me to share my journal with the womens Bible study I was leading at the time. Say what?! was my first response. No way! was my second; sobbing my third, and fourth . . . surrender.

The Pitfall of Self Neglect

We women often fall into a dangerous trap as we reach out to help others. Call it the pitfall of self neglect.

It may seem holy and right to neglect your own needs as you care for others, but is it?

The Scripture known as the Great Commandment presupposes that you love yourself. Let's listen to a conversation between Jesus and an expert in the Mosaic law.

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher, he asked, What must I do to inherit eternal life?

"What is written in the Law? he replied. "How do you read it?"

He answered, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

"You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live." (Luke 10:25-28 NIV)

Love your neighbor as yourself -- this imperative has a curious phrase at the end: "as yourself." It suggests that you ought to care for, protect, preserve, and nurture yourself. It is a healthy love

So Long, Shame!

Shame hurts. It is the belief that you are inherently defective. You feel "less" than others, worthless, bad. Does this definition fit you? Does it describe a friend or a family member?

You can say, "So long, shame! I'm no longer playing Twister with you!" You can choose to believe you are who God says you are: blessed, chosen, forgiven, a saint.

Shame differs greatly from guilt. Shame is feeling bad for who you are; guilt is feeling bad for what you do or have done. This is a huge difference.

Here's a word picture. Let's say you pocketed a lipstick. Nagging guilt twists and turns your insides until you cry "Uncle." You wisely decide to write the store manager, confessing up to your theft. You also include money to cover the item's cost, apologize, and hope she doesn't call the police.

You feel free from guilt, from what you did, and feel like doing a happy-dance. Phew!

Knocking down shame is as easy as killing Goliath -- not easy, but with God's help, a sure thing.

A Battle and A Promise

                                                                                                                                                                              One of my favorite Bible stories is in the Old Testament book of Joshua which records the dramatic account of God's appointed leader, Joshua, and the battles the Israelite's fought along side the Holy One of Israel. The book begins after Israelite's escaped slavery from Egypt being led by their God-appointed leader Moses. After wandering in the wilderness for 40 years, their promised land was within sight with just one problem: the current residents had to be evicted. Throughout the book of Joshua, God encourages them to be strong and courageous while facing thousands of opponents. Why? Because God had a plan for Joshua. In the same way, God has a plan for you.Take heart, He knows how to get you there.

Throughout events recorded in Joshua, God teaches us that fear is our enemy; a powerful adversary which can block our success and destroy dreams.

"Be strong and courageous, for you will give this people possession of the land which I swore to their fathers to give them." (Joshua 1:6 NASB)          

So Long, Envy! Good Riddance!

Just as Eve covered up with strategically placed fig leaves after eating the forbidden, you and I (and your hurting friend) cover up too. It's time to drop the fig leaves, girls, and slip into a new wardrobe.

Aristotle said, "Envy is pain at the good fortune of others." It's a nasty, flesh-eating emotion in which one person -- the envier -- desires a possession or trait possessed by another person.

Have you envied? I have.

Chances are your hurting friend has envied too. Here at Counselors' Coach, I give you ideas and insights that help you help others. As you may know I am a biblical counselor who stays atop of the trends; namely e-counseling.

Among today's most insidious evils is discontent. It goes hand in hand with envy. Let's consider three questions:

1. Why do we Christian women envy, especially when it just makes us cranky?

2. How do we stop envying?

3. Once we drop our green-with-envy bikini, what new piece of clothing takes its place?

Spiritual Growth, Life Purpose & Me

Two of the top reasons women contact me about hiring a Life Coach is their desire to pursue spiritual growth and purpose in life. They ask questions like, How can I become the woman that God designed me to be? Where do I start? How do I recognize the voice of God in my thoughts? How do I get to know God as my best friend, comforter, counselor, refuge, and source of strength? Does this sound familiar? If so, you are not alone.

Fifteen years ago I assumed that spiritual growth was something only for pastors or those in ministry. I'd never thought about my own spirituality or life purpose, and didn't believe I possessed any particular talents or gifts. Getting closer to the Lord through spiritual growth was way outside my comfort zone. In fact, when anyone suggested I "draw closer" to His Spirit, it made me uncomfortable. What did they mean? What was I supposed to say?  Hi Holy Spirit? That felt so unnatural. Little did I know how critical my walk with Christ through Holy Spirit would become.

I experienced a major transition in my life when I was about 30 years old; I had an epiphany. I noticed that other women had dreams and goals, but I didn't. I had spent years as a people-pleaser and running from conflict. As a result, I buried most of my individuality, my dreams, and my desires. This revelation helped me understand the unimaginable gifts and rewards this journey with God has given me. This voyage  provided an incredible awareness of freedom, hope, and joy. I hope you'll join me in traversing the highway of profound truth, and allow yourself to draw closer to God's true character, love, and transforming power through His Spirit.

A Vision for the Future

Ever wonder how your life will look five years down the road? Ten? Twenty?

What will you be doing? Will you be married? Have children? Grandchildren? Where will you live? How much money will be in your bank account? Will you even have a bank account?

How will you be serving God? Will you be a missionary? A teacher? A pastor? An evangelist? A stay-at-home-mom? Serving the homeless on Friday nights? Leading worship? Praying fervently on the intercession team? Writing encouraging articles to single women on the internet?

Where do you want to be? And what is your plan to get there?

Proverbs 16:9 tells us, "A man's [or woman's] heart plans his [or her] way, but the Lord directs his [or her] steps" (NKJV). James also brings up a similar point:

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit"; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that" (James 4:13-15 NKJV).

So, if God is in control, does that mean we just sit back and let things happen? What kind of responsibility do we have, then, over our actions as far as they affect our futures? What do we do with the desires and the visions God has placed on our hearts?

Stop Go-Go-Going and REST!

Rest...Everyone needs it. I certainly do! I tend to just keep going like the Energizer Bunny and then pay for my poor choice: a stress headache that turns into a pity party, or negative thinking that spouts stay-away-before-I-blow behavior.

Even you need rest. So does your hurting Christian friend. Here at Counselors' Coach you discover how to help her find real hope in practical ways.

Jesus told his motley crew of twelve and the gathering crowd, eager for a healing:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28,29, NIV)

This is a picture of a soul at rest because it submits to the authority of the One who knows best. No fretting. No whining. No worries. In place of negativity, you are content, satisfied, and rested.

The Gift of Giving

I have thought a lot about what I want to be said of me when I am no longer on this earth.  There are many things that would be nice. But summing it up in a nutshell, I would love for people to say, "She was a true gift." As pastor's wives, we have great opportunities all the time to be a gift. We don't even have to go looking for them, for they present themselves each day. One way we can be a gift to others is by giving.  

Please turn with me to 2 Corinthians 8:1-15.  I'd like you to read it and then come back to finish the rest of this article.  Ready, set, go!

Welcome back!  As you can see by what you just read, the people of Macedonia were not in a smooth sailing, problem free territory.  The Bible says they went through trouble and hard times, yet they GAVE.  They gave not only in times of abundance, but also in times of lack.  

God will test you time and again in the area of giving.  I've learned as I obey, He blows my mind!   Years ago I took some church women on a retreat.  Before we left my husband had told me, "Use the cash you have in your purse but do not take anything out of the ATM or write a check -- there's nothing there until payday."  When he said this, I realized I hadn't gotten groceries for the week. I was concerned not only about cooking our family's meals, but also having something for the kid's school lunches since we were not getting paid for another week.  I went to the retreat, trying not to think too hard about this.  Of course, I never said a word to anyone about it. 

Prayer Walk the Scriptures and Heal

 

Have you ever had days when things just seemed to go wrong? Maybe your husband's boss reduced his work hours or your daughter failed her geometry test and felt stupid. Perhaps the baseball coach benched your son for arguing with him or your elderly Dad called to complain nonstop about his arthritis. Maybe the computer crashed and Kitty barfed on the carpet again! Maybe all of the above occurred in the same week...same day...same hour.   

On those days was it hard to find peace? Perhaps I could offer a solution:  Prayer-walk a Scripture.

As I prayer-walk a Scripture, I connect deeply with God. Prayer-walking is like it sounds. You pray, walk, and meditate on a particular Scripture. The result is an amazing peace, even on bad days. Especially on bad days.

Here at Counselor's Coach, you discover how to help a hurting friend find hope and healing.

Your hurting friend may be tired, physically and spiritually. She may tell herself that she's "not good enough," a belief held tight since childhood. She still feels rotten no matter how many Bible studies she attends, homeless people she serves at the shelter, or Bible verses she memorizes.

You want to share something practical for her to try. The last thing you desire is to add to her to-do list. She already has a list a mile long. She has become the proverbial human do-ing rather than a human being.

Grace for the Military Wife

It's 5 p.m. and you've had one crisis after another all day. The kids are whining that they're hungry, your house looks like a F-3 tornado touched down, and the laundry is piled to the ceiling. Your youngest has just dropped the jug of milk and its exploded all over the kitchen floor. All you want to do is grab your hair and scream. Or better yet, run to your room, lock yourself in, and cry.

Here's the kicker...you're only three months into a year long deployment. Now is when you begin to slap yourself for marrying into the military. You feel you weren't made to handle this kind of stress. God didn't create you to handle the stress. No, He made you to worship Him and let Him carry the burdens.

As Christians we forget the only reason we suffer under the pressure of stress is because we take it on ourselves to do it all. Humans want to feel in control of their lives. Deployments for military wives set in motion the urge to focus on controlling everything around us when there is so much uncertainty.

A Thankful Heart

I know what it's like to celebrate someone's wedding when you're still single.

I know what it's like to see Valentine's Day come and go without so much as one little note or card.

I know what it's like to take a walk alone in the fading sunset and wish for someone to hold your hand.

I know what it's like to see your high school friend having their third baby already, and you haven't had a date in a year.

I know what it's like. It sucks. The loneliness is overwhelming at times, and you begin to wonder, "Is it worth it?" Is it worth the waiting, the soul-searching, the seemingly blind trust that God will eventually bring someone along who will match you in your pursuit of life and godliness?

In all the waiting, impatience grows in the lonely heart, and with questions swirling around regarding the value of such waiting, a crucial component of contentedness begins to fade....

. . .a thankful heart.

I can hear the question now. "Hold on just one minute, Leah, how can I be thankful for what I don't have? Did you forget that I'm missing something?"

Interview with author Sharon Gillenwater

 

To continue with my last two articles on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I'm talking today with Sharon Gillenwater about her new release, Jenna's Cowboy. While the book is labeled as a Christian romance, it's also the story of a wounded solider recently returned from several tours in Afghanistan and Iraq. Sharon delved deeply into the mindset of the soldier suffering from PTSD and those around him. I found this book a perfect follow up on my PTSD series.

Winter: Tell us a little bit about your book, Jenna's Cowboy.

Sharon: It's a book about faith, second chances in life and in love for two people who have been deeply wounded emotionally. When Nate Langley returns to Callahan Crossing, Texas after serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, all he wants is peace and a normal life. And, God willing, to marry the only woman he's ever loved, Jenna Callahan Colby. But how can he promise Jenna forever when he may be losing his mind? Jenna has gone through a devastating divorce, and she's leery of relationships. But Nate is the one man who will never hurt her. She is deeply touched by his tenderness with her and his love for her little boy. She sees that he is hurting and rallies her family to figure out how to help him.

Winter: What's the story behind the book?

Sharon: Every week there are signs up around our small Washington town welcoming home someone in the armed forces. One day as I glanced at one of the reader boards, Nate's face popped into my mind. Not the handsome hunk on the book cover, but close enough—and I knew I was supposed to write about a returning vet. I grew up on a ranch in West Texas, and I have a deep love for that part of the country and the people who live there. It's fitting that my war vet hero is a cowboy since many of them serve their country in the military.

God Protects. . .Honest

In a world where earthquakes crush tens of thousands under piles of rubble, where pilots purposely fly into buildings in the name of Allah, where sick people hurt little girls, God protects.

God protects. He is good. He is in control.

Even when bad things happen. Do you believe this? Does your hurting Christian friend wrap herself in this truth?

Here at Counselors' Coach, as you discover ways to encourage others, you receive encouragement too.

In tough times, suffering and evil give rise to questions like, If God is good and in control, why does He allow pain? Theologians have looked at this question every which way like a Rubicks cube. Among them is Randy Alcorn, whose latest book is If God Is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil (Multnomah, 2009).

Core to this book and similar ones, most importantly the Bible, is this truth that begs belief: God is who He says He is.

God says He is good. God says He is in control. As you stand at the freshly dug grave of a loved one, do you believe him?

Hollywood Romance or Real Relationship?

 
You know you've done it.

You've dreamed about a dashing romantic hero who will sweep you off your feet and take you away from the dullness of everyday life. Far away from the boredom of the mundane, you will delight in the continuous excitement of true love!

'Course, there are many, many ways this scene can play out. It's as unique as your own life, colored by the different experiences you've had and the people you've met.

For instance, you just might find yourself on a cruise ship in the middle of the north Atlantic Ocean, and a handsome young man discovers how beautiful you are. Amidst chaos and confusion, as the ship begins to sink, the two of you run away from the crowds to steal a desperate kiss.

Or, you may be listening to a radio program and hear the sorrowful voice of a young widower, struggling to survive the loss of his beloved wife. Strangely compelled to write to this man, you send off a letter inviting him to meet you on top of the Empire State Building on Valentine's Day for a second chance at love.

Even better, you risk your own life rescuing a young man who was thrown in front of a subway train. Sitting by his side, as he remains in a coma at the hospital, you gradually fall in love with his rugged older brother, who's more suited for you than you ever imagined.

Married But Oh-So Lonely

 
Does your friend feel alone in her marriage? Does she ache for care, communication, and caresses from her husband? Has she wondered, "God, why? Why am I in a lonely marriage in which thoughts and feelings of worthlessness bombard me?"

What about you? Are you willing to help your hurting friend in a lonely marriage? I hope so. God commands us to help "one another."

At Counselors' Coach, I coach you to counsel Christian women in a crazy world of relational difficulties, wacky emotions (including anxiety), sadness and anger, and even addictions. If you like what you read here,I encourage you to subscribe to my blogs, Real Hurts, Real Hope and The Sisterhood of Beautiful Warriors.

Here are two true stories. Names and some details have been changed to protect privacy, and both the husbands and wives are Christians.

A Stinky Story

Jessica's husband stinks. Though in his 50s, he has bad breath that could slay a monster. He not only stinks but also is a mess; a highly educated mess:

He leaves out dishes. He misses the toilet and fails to wipe the tinkle.

What's worse, he flirts with pretty ladies right in front of her.

Show the Gospel to the Hurting

 
 
How many times have you heard, "Share the Gospel with the unsaved"? A bazillion? Now how often do you hear, "Show the Gospel to the hurting in your church, in your community, in your world?

Share spells words. Show takes action.

An example: Pulling up to a red light, Kate noticed a young man holding a homemade sign. It read, "HOMELESS. NEED FOOD. PLEASE HELP." The icy wind reddened his hands. She knew what she had to do, even though it inconvenienced her. She drove to a store, bought men's gloves and returned to the sign holder. She rolled down her window and handed them to him.

And she prayed for his mother.

Kate, too, has a grown son. Addicted to drugs. Sleeping somewhere. She couldn't warm her own child but she could show Jesus to a stranger.

Debbie Macomber shares this true story in her book One Simple Act: Discovering the Power of Generosity. A sister in Christ and bestselling fiction author, she understands. She's dyslexic and her third grade teacher told her mother, "She'll never do well in school." And she didn't.

But her love of words and her parent's encouragement, and later her husband's, gave her the boost to sign up for a writers' conference in New York. Today she has more than 100 copies of her books in print.

As many of you know I have a heart for hurting Christian women. I want them to find hope and healing, to be all who God made them to be. Some women I counsel by phone or webcam, others in person. I also have two blogs. Real Hurts, Real Hope has the tagline "offering hope to Christian women who hurt and to the people who love them." I like the last part: and to the people who love them. We each know someone who needs a hug, a prayer, a safe place to cry.

I Don't Know You Anymore Part 2

In the previous article on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I gave you a glimpse into the lives of a military couple and a soldier who were dealing with war related PTSD. You can read the first part here.

Suicide related deaths in the military are on the rise. While there are no solid studies on how many of theses suicides are results of PTSD, it's heavily estimated that more than half are because of PTSD. In November of 2007 CBS news did a state-by-state survey of the number of veteran suicides. This was their findings:

"In 2005, for example, in just those 45 states, there were at least 6,256 suicides among those who served in the armed forces. That’s 120 each and every week, in just one year.

Dr. Steve Rathbun is the acting head of the Epidemiology and Biostatistics Department at the University of Georgia. CBS News asked him to run a detailed analysis of the raw numbers that we obtained from state authorities for 2004 and 2005.

It found that veterans were more than twice as likely to commit suicide in 2005 than non-vets. (Veterans committed suicide at the rate of between 18.7 to 20.8 per 100,000, compared to other Americans, who did so at the rate of 8.9 per 100,000.)

One age group stood out. Veterans aged 20 through 24, those who have served during the war on terror. They had the highest suicide rate among all veterans, estimated between two and four times higher than civilians the same age. (The suicide rate for non-veterans is 8.3 per 100,000, while the rate for veterans was found to be between 22.9 and 31.9 per 100,000.)"

Those were only for the years of 2004-2005. Imagine what the numbers are now almost four years later.

In Defense of Lame Religious Advice

I know, you're tired of them - those religious answers which always downplay the emotions you're feeling about singleness and your desire for companionship.

"Just wait on God!" Uh, yeah! I have been waiting....for like one hundred years, it seems!

"When you're least expecting it is when he'll appear." I'm not expecting it; I'm not expecting it; I'm not expecting it....For crying out loud, where IS he?

"Keep your focus on Jesus; He's better than any husband!" I love Jesus. He is perfect. But it sure would be nice to have a date on a Friday night. . .and someone to hold my hand.

"The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord; the married woman is distracted. You have so much time to serve." Hmmm, let's see. I do Children's Ministry on Wednesday nights, Youth on Thursday, choir on Sunday mornings, and hit up the homeless outreach every other Friday, besides working and part time college. I'm too exhausted to even have time for a date, even if I were asked!

"Maybe you have some things to work on in your life; you may not be ready for marriage." Well, I'm financially independent, a spiritual leader, physically active, and emotionally stable. I've got money in the bank for a wedding, and household items enough to fill a house. What more do you think I need?

"You simply need a little more faith." Faith? Faith? I've been believing what seems impossible for 10 years now!

"You're too picky." Is it too much to ask for a guy to love Jesus wholeheartedly and be at least partially good looking? I'm not expecting a hunk or anything!

A Sex-Stained Past? How to Help Your Friend!

 
 
Midnight. A teen girl has sex with a guy she knows from school. It feels good. Not the sex -- not really -- but his attention. She loves to hear him say, "I love you," though she figures it's a lie. 

3 a.m. A 40-something woman stares at her bedroom ceiling, her husband at her side. She feels guilty about her growing attachment to a guy at work. Should she say anything?

6 a.m. Headed to work, a mother of two remembers that on this day fifteen years ago, she walked into an abortion clinic. They said it was just tissue. In her heart, she knew different.

9 a.m. She can't get the images out of her head. Images of naked men and women on her computer screen the night before. She zombie-walks to the fridge, grabs the half-full pizza box and eats. She knows she'll purge in 30 minutes.

These women (all of whom are composites of Christian women I've counseled) have sex-stained pasts and need a friend like you to come alongside and show them grace and share wisdom, given to all who ask our Almighty God. Here at Counselors' Coach, you discover how to help your hurting Christian friends and offer hope. Real hope.

When you encounter a problem you cannot handle, please mention my name to your friend. As a trained biblical counselor I have counseled women in person and over the phone. Many of the women I counsel take medication (such as antidepressants) prescribed by their doctors.

I Don't Know You Anymore Part 1

This is the face of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

For three years, Amy* didn't sleep, she dozed waiting for those first screams from her husband, Jim*. The nightmares and cold sweats were a nightly event. Amy had to learn how to bring Jim back from his memories of Iraq and the IED's going off in his dreams. Constantly repeating he was home, in his bed, with her would break the stranglehold on his mind.

After too many near accidents on the road, Amy would drive. The safety of her two children and herself was at stake. When Jim had driven, he would return to Iraq. The gravel shoulders had been grated up, looking exactly like the detonator trails leading to the roadside bombs. Jim would swerve into the other lane to avoid the bomb. Thankfully, the times this occurred there were no oncoming vehicles. Even after Amy took over the driving, Jim would sit tensed up, waiting for the bombs to explode. Amy's  mantra of the world around them being green was the only way Jim could bring himself back from Iraq.

Public places with large crowds were impossible. If they went to a restaurant, Jim had to sit with his back to the wall. His attention was never focused on Amy, he was constantly watching the people passing by, looking for hidden weapons and certain hand movements. He couldn't turn off his high state of alertness.

Jim retreated from his family. He spent more time with his friends, and drank more. Only to feel guilty about neglecting his family. Jim was searching for that brotherhood he had with his fellow soldiers, and still is.

When Another Guy Is More Attentive. . .

 

. . .to your married friend than her husband is -- and she likes the attention -- should you speak up?

Let's say she has met a guy -- at work or at church; the place isn't crucial -- who seems "perfect." He listens, he smiles, He puts a protective arm around her shoulder while walking into the parking garage.
Together they share not only laughter but also deep interests: the love of jazz, for instance, Starbucks' mocha, even their faith: Christianity.

You sense she's headed toward a marriage-destroying cliff. But she insists that her guy friend is just that, a friend.

Here at Counselors' Coach you discover how to help friends who are in a mess. They may recognize their pain -- or not. God has called you to encourage, to rebuke in love, to care deeply.

So what about a friend who's flirting with an affair? Or who's already in one?

First things first, we Christian women -- whether married, single or single again through divorce or death -- must recognize and embrace how God made us: for relationship. Have you ever said to your husband, fiance or boyfriend: "Please hold me"? I have. Sometimes when life gets crazy, I need reassurance from my hubby that we'll make it, and I need a tender embrace (not sex) and chat time.

Putting my anxious thoughts into words calms me, and my connection with my husband deepens as I talk about my pain. Similarly, when my work takes an exciting turn -- like my new relationship with a publicist -- I like to share my dreams with my husband.

Need Some Resources? Here's A Few

Setting out into the singles scene, whether you have yet to meet that special someone or whether you have loved and lost, can seem a daunting task for even the most adventurous among us. How will we know when we have met the right one? How will we navigate a relationship? How will we learn to trust again after devastating circumstances? Besides God, who can help us through these situations and give us solid advice to make right decisions?

Many resources abound to help singles navigate the world of dating, courtship, and even contentment. As a Christian single woman, however, it is often difficult to find books and articles with appropriate content to lead one closer to Christ. One needs to choose between those resources oriented toward the world's way and those directed at Christians, without running headlong into one extreme or another!

Over the years, I have found several resources to be an invaluable addition to my library, as well as my online content.

First of all, I cannot say enough about the excellent material to be found at Boundless. Not only do they publish articles, blogs, and books, they also produce a weekly podcast and answer weekly questions from readers and listeners. They cover everything - from breaking up, to step-parenting, to celibacy, to communication, to mentoring - and they even address the hard situations like porn or pregnancy. It doesn't stop with relationship advice, either. On the blog and podcast they also address other issues facing young Christian adults, both in the political and religious arenas, even music and movies. And despite the demographic mainly focused toward the 18-30 something range, the wealth of material can easily apply to adults of any age. For a small sampling of material and an excellent resource, see their Girls' Guide to Marrying Well.

You Need Your Head Examined

 

Are you breathing? Do you have a pulse? If you said "yes" to either question, you need your head examined. Specifically, your thoughts. Did you know that you talk nonstop in your head?

Some thoughts are neutral. Oh, mayonnaise, where are you? Some are positive.Woohoo! I found the mayonnaise in aisle 12. Good job, Lucy.You're quite the sleuth. Some are negative. What?! A bazillion calories in a tablespoon of mayonnaise.You already have cellulite on cellulite, you fatso. Put it back. Ugh!

Thoughts are powerful. Godly thoughts lead to godly living. As a friend of a Christian woman with big or little hurts, counsel her to think well. Here at Counselors' Coach you find out how to help the people you care about. You might discover something to help you too. Why not bookmark this site now?

The Bible underlines thought power. "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7, NLT).

If you think badly about yourself or your circumstances, you will feel crummy, look crummy and act crummy. Negative, ungodly thinking translates into a negative life.

Conversely, if you think well then your emotions and actions will line up with God's plan and purpose for you: an abundant life.

In Case You Forgot

By the time this goes to publication a significant point in American history has passed. And I will have attended and welcomed home another National Guard unit on that most poignant day. I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about. Many of you lived through it and can recall details of that day.

As the wife of a soldier, September 11^th holds a harrowing and significant place in my life. Like hundreds of thousands, I watched in horror that Tuesday morning as two towers in New York City burned and collapsed to the ground, killing thousands. I feared what this meant for Americans and the lives of our military men and women. Because, I daily live the reminder of that day. A day that cost me a year of my married life with my husband. And could cost me another year, or something worse.

Yet, even though this attack was meant to do our country horrific harm, something great came out of it. Lives were spared, both physically and spiritually. God turned something evil into something holy. People who had ridden the fence when it came to their eternal lives found God and today they're walking with Jesus. Others who had known God all their lives reaffirmed their beliefs and love of the Lord. Patriotism walked alongside Christianity once more. Though, I have to admit, only for a short time.

Protection Guaranteed!

God is your defense in a fallen world where hurricanes wipe out cities, airplane pilots fly into building in the name of Allah, and evil men hurt little girls.

The women you come alongside need to hear that God protects. Here at Counselors' Coach you learn how to help people understand this truth. It is true even when it seems unbelievable.

How do we know God protects as bad things happen? God defines himself as love with a capital L. We read in scripture that love "always protects" (1 John 4:16, 1 Cor. 13:7).

My most amazing example of God's protection stars a hamster named, well, Hammy. A teddy bear hamster, Hammy had unusually long, beige fur, black eyes (no surprise there) and was well-loved by his five-year-old mommy: Laura, my only child at the time.

God certainly used this furrball to save our little family from a fire.

Many years ago, while I wiped kitchen counters as the sun set, an inaudible voice said to me, "Check on the hamster."

"Huh? Is this you, God?"

or am I going looney?

Then again, "Check on the hamster."

Whoa, now I'm losing it. 

I thought, "If this is God, that's a weird thing to say" and "In any case, I'd better go check on the hamster to get the voice out of my head."

Quit the Charades!

Walking into the church sanctuary, I scan for my prospects.

There's Robby. He's liked me for at least three months, but who's counting? I like him, as a person, but I don't LIKE-like him. A haircut would do him a world of good, and he's a bit too short for me - we're basically at eye level, and I'd prefer to gaze up into my husband's eyes. Yet he has a heart of gold, and he loves Jesus, so I'd say yes if he asks me out. Which he won't.

Yikes! Better move off to the right, as I can see Aaron on the left side of the room. He likes me a lot - probably a bit too much. I catch him staring at me constantly, and he will hang within a few feet of me when I'm talking to others. If he has a moment to butt in, he'll inevitably ask me personal questions and if that falls flat, at least where I'm going to hang out after church tonight. I've dropped subtle hints and not-so-subtle hints that I'm not interested to no avail.

There's John....my latest crush. He just joined the church a few months back, but he's followed Christ since the age of fifteen. He's got a sparkling personality, brilliant blue eyes, and a passion for kids, just like me. It seems as if he enjoys talking to me, and he's always asking me questions. But is it just to get to know me since we work together?

So plays out the game of charades, singles style.

Give Spiritual CPR: Care, Prayer, Repair

 

Marianne felt lonely.

On the outside all looked peachy. A great husband, two girls, vibrant and busy in an under-four-kind-of-way, a master's in education, and the good looks of Jennifer Aniston. She read her Bible daily and went to church. Inside she hurt terribly. She didn't know who to tell. 

The women at church had it all together. Or so it seemed.

If we stop and look, we each will see hurting women in our churches. These women need spiritual CPR: care, prayer and repair. Here at Counselors Coach you get ideas and support to counsel the women the Lord has put in your life. If you have a specific question, email me at Lucy@LucyAnnMoll.com.

These hurting Christian women are "sheep" who have fallen down, a "very pathetic sight," writes Philip Keller in A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23. "Lying on its back, its feet in the air, it flays away frantically struggling to stand up, without success. Sometimes it will bleat a little for help, but generally, it lies there lashing about in frightened frustration."

Who is the fallen lady sheep in your congregation?

She is the woman going through a divorce, the mom with a rebellious teen who may be deep into drugs or sleeping around or shoplifting. She's the woman whose husband is out or work or whose parents have dementia and need continual care or who past is riddled with unresolved hurts from the past. Her hurt may be abuse by a neighbor boy, an abortion, or an emotional affair with a co-worker who showed her more attention than her husband. She may be depressed or angry or afraid -- or all three.

Things to Consider When Sending Care Packages

It's been awhile since I've had to send a care package, but I thought it best to give some sound advice for those of you still sending. Whether it's your own soldier, or a friend, or someone you don't even know, these suggestions come in real handy.

First and foremost, know your soldier. Know what their likes are and what they need the most. Hubby kept a running list of things for me, but they usually ran along the lines of dried fruit and nuts, and new blades for his electric razor. Keep a note on what type of razor they have, or you'll end up like me buying the wrong kind!

When sending a box of things in general, DO NOT pack soap or other chemicals with food. The chemicals and smell will leech into the food and it will taste and smell like whatever was packed with it. In my hubby's case, he didn't need soap, the base he was on kept a good supply at the PX. If your soldier is in an area where it's hard to get a hold of soap and the likes, then send all of that in a separate box. There's nothing a soldier hates more than getting his or her favorite food and finding it tainted by soap. Yuck!

Homemade cookies can make your soldier a star. Some of them get a good meal everyday on the bases they're on, but nothing beats something from home. The best time to send cookies with chocolate in them is during the late fall, winter, and early spring months in places like Iraq and Afghanistan. The chocolate will melt and leak through the box, or get all over everything. Rice Krispy treats, oatmeal cookies, and your rolled cookies like sugar cookies work best in the hot months. I vacuum sealed my cookies right after I baked them and mailed them within the next day. You never know how long the box will sit in a warehouse before it reaches your solider. Yet stale cookies will still be a hit. It's from home after all.

Weep, Scream, or Punch a Pillow?

"Jesus wept." The shortest verse in the Bible (John 11:35) rains deep puddles of meaning. Just think about it: Jesus-- fully God, fully man -- wept. He cried, sobbed, gushed tears. He wept.

While counseling a hurting Christian woman, have you ever wept? I have. I'll tell you a personal story in a moment. First, I want to welcome you again to Counselors' Coach, the twice-a-month column at Take Root and Write, where you discover how to minister to women who have hurts.

The question for today's column: When is it alright, even best, to weep with a hurting woman? When should we withhold emotion? And is it ever okay to scream or punch a pillow?

Let's look at John 11, the story of the death and resurrection of Lazarus, a close friend of Jesus. 

Lazarus' sisters, Martha and Mary, sent the message to Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is sick" (John 11:3), expecting him to drop everything and come at once. They believed he'd heal him.

When one my children becomes ill at school, I go ASAP. School nurse phones and in a

nano

-second I'm in my car and backing out of the driveway.

Not Jesus. He ministers where he is at for two more days. Can you imagine the look of Peter's face or John's or any of the disciples'? My mind's eye pictures raised eyebrows, furrowed brows and glances at one another.

How to Find Mr. Darcy

Now, if you're a girl that loves quality books and movies as much as I do, and you've at least seen or read Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen) once or more, I've likely drawn your attention simply by the title of my article.

That was entirely intentional.

I am currently in the process of reading the book completely through, as I figured that it might be helpful to my understanding of life in general, and how to comprehend why men do what they do. Besides which I would like to enjoy the movie(s) more by having read the book. I'm pretty sure I watch the 2005 movie at least once a month, if not more. . .What can I say? I'm a romantic at heart!

But I digress.

I do not want to spend all of this article discussing the finer points of turning a well-known novel into a movie, nor expounding on the virtues of a most-desired type of man, but rather to lay out what it takes for a single woman to draw the attentions of an honorable gentleman.

I think I speak for most women when I say I want a man who is characterized by gentleman-like qualities.
I want a man whom others would refer to as a loyal companion, generous, and governed by right conduct and prudent speech. And of course, I want a man who is irresistibly head-over-heels in love with me - who just can't get me out of his head.

Of all characters in literature and now film, there are few men who have those universally attractive qualities as Mr. Darcy. No matter what kind of feminist rhetoric a woman will proclaim with her mouth, she simply cannot but take notice of a man who opens the door for her and listens politely when she speaks. I do say take notice, because even if she never dates nor marries such a man, at the minimum her interest is piqued by his actions which may give a clue to his deeper character.

Come to Jesus and Rest

 

Jesus told his followers, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you willl find rest for your souls" (Matthew 11: 28,29 NIV).

Rest.

We all need it. Few of us get it. Here at Counselors' Coach, women who love on hurting Christian women in the name of Christ need rest as much as the women they counsel. Dismantling the difficulties of life zaps energy -- physical, emotional and spiritual.

So what's a girl to do? Let yourself go to the One who knows best, get cuddly and rest. No fretting. No whining. No worries. In place of negativity, you experience love.

God knows life throws rocks, even boulders, at you. Jesus said, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33, NIV).

The New King James version uses a word in place of "trouble": tribulation. And this brings me to a story, unfunny then, now I laugh.

Addiction: Hope for the Hooked

 

Natalie* stared at her half-naked body in the bathroom mirror."Ugh! I'm so fat. I hate myself," she thought. She stepped on the scale. The numbers flashed 92. At five feet four inches tall, Natalie looked as emaciated as a prisoner in a WWII concentration camp. She had all but stopped eating.

Her problem? An addiction to perfectionism.

(Starred names have been changed.)

Once her son hopped on the school bus, Karrie began to feel an adrenaline rush. Today she was going shopping! She told herself she'd buy one and only one outfit for her seven-year-old. She had made the same promise last week and broke it. "I can do it this time," Karrie pep-talked Three hours and many shopping bags later, she collapsed on her couch and cried. "You can't do anything right," she muttered.

Her problem? An addiction to shopping.

Suzanne picked up after her kids in a flurry. Ben would be home any minute, usually in a sour mood, and she didn't want to make it worse. As she scooped toys and kept an eye on dinner, negative thoughts attacked: "I do everything I can to keep him happy. I wash his clothes. Make his dinner. Keep the kids quiet. Share his bed. But does he care about us? No! All he really wants is his remote and a twelve-pack of beer. Sometimes I wish he were dead." She put another block in the toy box.

Her problem? An addiction to people-pleasing.

What is an addiction? Does it occur among Christian women? Is there hope?

This Ain't About the Esteem

 A few weeks ago, I made a comment on my Twitter account that went along these lines:

"Being married to a soldier isn't about esteem or glory, it's blood, sweat, and a whole lot of tears. If you can't handle it, don't marry into it."

Much can be said of marrying any one. But the military lifestyle is so much more than parades and those second looks people give you as you walk by with your man when he's in uniform. It's more than bragging about having a soldier, marine, or sailor for yourself. And it's far beyond you making the decisions on how your life will go once you're married. Hero worship will not sustain you.

Yeah, I know. It's a really cool high to know you're the one a military man has set his sights on. And believe me, the very image of a man in uniform can make any woman get weak-kneed and make her heart race. It did me. Still does, despite the ACUs being my husband's suit and tie five days a week. Something about that Alpha male persona just oozes from military men when they walk around in uniform. And let's face it ladies, in some way or another we're attracted to that. Even Beta males can carry off the impression of being top dog.

And who doesn't love the idea of being swept off your feet by that man and carried off to some exotic place like Germany, Korea, Japan, or Italy? A ripped body, commanding voice, and the ultimate sex symbol all yours. Oh, and let's not forget the little perks like free housing, a constant source of income, and low cost shopping. Yeah, you've got it made, and you might not have to get a job, cause your military man's pay check is enough.

Sure you might have to consider those pesky things like war and training exercises. Big deal. He'll still come home every night for dinner. Right?

Source of Encouragement

"We all wanna be loved. We all want just a little respect....Tell me what's wrong with that?" dc Talk
 
As single Christian women, we often long for a husband simply for the fact that we desire someone to be our greatest supporter. We want someone who will encourage us daily, speak life and truth to us, and hold us accountable to help us grow in our walk with Christ.

These desires are valid, and very important. God spoke in Genesis 2:18 that it is not good that man should be alone, and if men should not be alone, neither should we!

I have observed many times among my single acquaintances, however, that in their desire for words of affirmation and encouragement, some women have placed themselves in a relationship only because the man knows what to say to make their heart melt. When it comes down to the man's character, or whether the Lord has called them to a relationship in that moment, these women struggle to find justification for remaining in that relationship. They are torn between the negative aspects of disobeying God, and the positive affirmation they receive frequently from their partner.

My Daddy Fights for Freedom

Wives, mothers, and girlfriends have a hard time coping with the absence of their soldier during a deployment. But there is one demographic I haven't touched on. . .

The children.

Many of today's soldiers are family men. When they deploy they not only leave behind a wife, they leave behind their kids. As adults, we have the means to learn how to cope with the emotional effects of our husband's absence. But the dagger to our hearts, is seeing our kids suffer when they want their Daddy and he's not home. Kids don't always understand why things happen the way they do, and young children will never be able to understand why their dad can't be there with them.

I found ways to help my own kids deal with the absence of their father. I'll share here. Take into consideration the age group of your child. Some of ideas won't work on a teenager, or a college student. But many of them will help no matter the age.

Think Right, Live Right

 

Allie, a 20-something Christian woman, thinks wrongly about herself. "I don't measure up," she confided in me. "I never have." Yet God sees her as a saint, as someone who possesses every spiritual blessing in Christ now, present tense. (Ephesians 1:1,3)

She measures up in the most important way. As a believer in Christ, she has become God's child, can live victoriously, and is heaven-bound.

Insistent that she doesn't measure up, depression and anxiety stalk Allie, a pretty, accomplished young woman.

You may relate to Allie's comment. Or you may know someone who does.

Here at Counselors' Coach, you discover effective and biblical ways to help hurting women in your church, workplace and neighborhood. One of their greatest needs: To stop negative thinking and replace it with God's truth. When negative thinking halts, so do negative emotions and ungodly behaviors.

This is how it works.

Let's say I think, "I'm a horrible mother." What's my likely resulting emotion?

Probably I'll feel anger or frustation, sadness or fear, or self-pity. However, I may feel nothing at all.

Now what's my likely behavior? Many possiblities exist.

Self-Hatred Is NOT Attractive

Meet Sue.

Sue is a young and beautiful Christian woman who would love nothing other than to marry a handsome and confident man of God. She reads clean romance novels and listens intently to older women she knows, gathering ideas about the ideal man she can expect God to send her way. She has made a list of all the things that are most important - placing "a solid relationship with God" at the top of the list.

Sue has a steady job, her debt is under control, and she has a great living situation and reliable transportation. She keeps her home clean, knows how to cook, and is a very trustworthy babysitter. She is generous with her resources and always a listening ear or a strong encourager to the people around her.

By this description, one might believe that men are virtually climbing over each other for a chance to date Sue. She's practically the perfect candidate for a wife! Yet Sue has never had a date. No handsome and confident man of God has ever asked her out. Why, you may ask? Because Sue has one major flaw that holds her back from everything she longs for - self-hatred.

Self-hatred has a fairly simple definition. In fact, I don't think I even need a dictionary - it is simply the hatred of one's self. For different people, this can mean different things. For instance, it can refer to one's physical body, one's personality, or even one's emotional state. In Sue's case, it refers to absolutely everything.

Are YOU Called to Counsel?

The short answer: yes.

God calls every believer to encourage one another, rebuke one another, love one another, forgive one another, and so on. These "one another" verses sprinkle instruction all over the New Testament. As you follow them, you will reach out to a friend in pain and come alongside her, giving comfort and loving correction if needed.

So Counselors' Coach is for you even if you do not have a specific call to counsel. Here you discover how to counsel Christian women facing tough stuff: painful pasts, depression, fear, difficult relationships, loneliness and more.

Some of you have the spiritual gifting of exhortation/mercy/shepherding, and our Lord has specifically called you to help hurting women find hope and healing. This is a glimpse of how God made known to me my call to biblically counsel Christian women.

Down block, step punch, look to the right for my enemy, down block, step punch, look to the left for my enemy, step punch -- punch -- punch -- HIIIIIYAH!

Ironic, isn't it? My call to biblically counsel hurting Christian women came smack in the middle of practicing a kata (pronounced KAH-tah), a choreographed set of kicks, steps, blocks and punches in karate. In my backyard -- lilacs to my left, marigolds to my right -- I sensed in my heart: "Lucy, as I have healed you, comfort others in my power."

Whoa.